More Marriage On The Brain
Professor Theophilus, you were dead wrong in your approach to the girl who is struggling with thoughts about marriage. I too am a 19-year-old college sophomore and have experienced the same feelings. So have many of my friends. It is completely natural. We buy bride's magazines occasionally. We talk about what we imagine our weddings will be like. We plan the colors and the flowers — all in fun of course. This is something that all girls go through. Please, please tell her not to worry, not to try to change her course of study, and NOT to drop out of college. I promise that it passes.

I think you are confusing two very different things. Yes, it's good and natural for girls of a certain age to spend time dreaming about what their weddings will be like. However, my correspondent wrote because her preoccupation had passed beyond dreaming into obsession. It wasn't "occasional"; she could think of nothing else, and she was neglecting other important matters. There was also more to her letter than we had room to print.

Notice, too, that I didn't tell her that she had to drop out of college — I merely included it among the possibilities. Perhaps she had been forcing herself to pursue something that wasn't for her. You see, I don't agree with you that everyone must go to college. Why shouldn't a guy who just wants to be a good carpenter pursue an apprenticeship instead? Why should a girl who has no interest in differential calculus have it crammed down her throat? If a young person is uncertain about college, why not work for a few years, then try it again?

But this part of your letter was wonderful: "My advice? Commit everything in prayer to God — tell Him the desires of your heart. Jesus is called the Lover of our Souls, and we are called His bride. Let Him be the man in your life right now — commit yourself to Him alone — and then wait. Pray for patience and for peace."

Here's another letter about my response to "Marriage on the Brain" — this one from a guy.

Thank you for the wise words and counsel I have read from you over the last few months. I do have some questions regarding your recent letter to "Marriage on the Brain" though. It seems to me that a more appropriate recommendation would be for her to put down the marriage mags. These magazines do the same things to women that pornography does to men. They encourage lust and fantasy.

If a man had written saying "In the last year, I've had sex on the brain. I pore over pornographic magazines and dream about what it will be like. I can't seem to kick this sexual obsession. What do you think?" Most of all you would have said, "if you want to stop thinking about sex and lusting, then you need to stop reading porn."

There is such a thing as pornography for women — the steamy sort of novel euphemistically sold as "romance" but known in the trade as the "bodice-ripper." ("Taken captive by the alarmingly virile sultan of a dangerously exotic land, Pippa was promptly draped in diaphanous lingerie and clapped into his glittering palace harem. Could she escape? Worse, once the darkly romantic Mikolar made her his 'wife,' would she even want to?") It's also true that some women become ensnared in the more conventionally male sort of pornography. Readers of either sex who are ensnared by it may find help HERE.

On the other hand, I am very far from agreeing that all romantic fantasy is lustful fantasy, or that a dreamy girl's thoughts about marriage are mirror images of a horny guy's preoccupations with sex. That's a typical male misunderstanding. Give them a break, fella. They're are a lot more different than that.

My Friends Are Scared For Me
I am a Christian. Most of my closest friends are Wiccan. Half of them are also gay or bi. I think that I am doing a good job of being their friend and showing them Christ. Before I became friends with them I was scared of them. (And for good reason.) Most of them used to hate Christians with a passion. They have told me that I am the only Christian that they have seen try to live like Jesus did.

My problem comes with my Christian friends. One of them is really scared. They don't know why I would be friends with these people. I need to maintain my friendship with Christians because they are the ones that will help me grow and will uplift my spirit. I don't know how to decide between them or whether I should or not.

Your willingness to befriend people who are lost and confused should be praised. I hope you won't be hurt, though, when I suggest that your Christian friends are right to be concerned about you. To minister to those who live disordered lives is one thing; to prefer their company, and to such a degree that they make up most of your closest friends, is quite another. It suggests that something in addition to Christian compassion is moving you.

Your susceptibility to their flattery — "You're so different than all those other disgusting Christians" — is another danger signal. Your gullibility about their twisted-Christian stories is a third. Your thought that you might have to choose between them and your Christian friends is a fourth. There is no evidence in your letter that they are absorbing your view of the faith; rather you are absorbing theirs. This is why the Bible cautions us about our companions.

No, I'm not suggesting that you're gay (though before long your companions may suggest to you that you are). However, at certain stages of life, moral and spiritual confusion can seem strangely attractive. Your letter reminds me a bit of a young woman I knew who took classes only from professors who would tear down her faith. In another way, it reminds me of young women who date only the most unsuitable guys. Of course we see the same behaviors in guys.

And so, although the warnings of your Christian friends may come from hardness of heart toward the lost, I think it more likely that they come from love and concern toward you. They see you drifting, already in the second ring of a whirlpool that wants to suck you in. Though if you begin to paddle now, you can yet swim to safety, you're pointed in the wrong direction.

Me, My Baby, And Her Baby
My friend and I have only known each other for about a year, but recently our relationship has grown past the point of being friends. She is afraid that she is basing her decisions in part on the fact that I am good with her baby. A friend has told her that this should not be a factor, so she wants to take our relationship back to what it was formerly. Because of the strength of our feelings, we both know that's impossible. What is your opinion? Can you lead me to any Scripture that clarifies things for me?

It's hard to figure out what Scripture might be addressed to your situation, because you don't say exactly what your situation is. People use expressions like "more than just friends," "back to what it was," and "decisions" to mean quite different things.

First possible meaning: Before you were just dating, but recently you and the young woman have been considering marriage. After talking to her friend, she wants to keep dating but dump the marriage plans. "Decisions," in this case, are decisions about marriage, and "feelings" refer to affection.

Second possible meaning: Before you were chaste, but recently you and the young woman have been in bed together. After talking with her friend, she wants to keep dating but return to the practice of chastity. "Decisions," in this case, are decisions about sex, and "feelings" refer to lust.

If you mean the former: Remember that the reason for dating is courtship: choosing a suitable spouse. If your friend is a Christian, then she should select someone who shares her commitment to follow Christ. He must be someone who would make a good husband, and who would make a good father. He should also be a person to whom she could truthfully promise to be a loving and faithful wife until death — remembering that love not primarily an emotion (which cannot be promised), but a commitment of the will to the true good of the other person (which can be). Finally, he should be a person whom she could trust to keep his promise to be a loving and faithful husband until death. You, of course, should be applying the same kinds of criteria to your choice of a wife.

Now look over what I've written. A suitable husband must be a good father, because the good of the children is one of the purposes of marriage. This includes not only the children yet to come, but the children already born. For that reason, it is only right that how you are with her baby should affect her decisions. On the other hand, her susceptibility to the foolish advice of her friend suggests that she is not really comfortable with the permanent commitment of marriage to you. If she isn't, then she shouldn't do it. Considering the purpose of dating, if she is sure she won't change her mind about marrying you, then she should also stop dating you, but if she is considering the matter, then you may continue to date.

If you mean the latter: There is no decision to make; the decision has been made by a Higher Authority. Get out of the sack. Return to chastity. There are specific Scriptures about that situation.

If you mean both: If you are already sexually involved, you cannot make rational decisions about marriage. It is simply impossible. Among the inbuilt purposes of sex is to serve as a glue, sealing the bond between husband and wife. How can you make a wise decision whether to be bonded if you are already getting sticky?

Grace and peace,

Professor Theophilus

If you have questions you’d like to Ask Theo, send us an email and we'll pass it along to him.