Does It Matter Who You Live With?
I cannot possibly see how it is wrong or unbiblical to rent an apartment with a person of the opposite sex. We're close, but I can honestly say that we've never thought about sleeping with each other.

I don't believe you, but thanks for writing.

Is that all you have to say to me?

I don't think you should believe yourself either.

You're not taking me seriously.

I am taking you seriously — but you aren't taking the difference between male and female seriously. Here are some more considerations:

1. You may tell me that you've never thought about sex, but if you're the girl and he's the guy, you can be sure that he has.

2. You may tell me that you've never thought about sex, but if you're the girl, you can't tell me that you've never thought about romance.

3. If you're the guy, ask yourself this question. You've just learned that before meeting you, your sweetheart lived three years with Fabio. She says sex never even crossed their minds. Do you believe her?

4. Sex or no sex, thoughts or no thoughts, the situation is inherently unchaste; it corrodes the virtue of modesty. I suppose you'll tell me that you've never eaten breakfast or watched TV together in your bathrobes, or hung your stockings over the shower rail to dry.

5. It's wrong not only to commit sin, but to give the appearance of committing sin. Doing so shows lack of love for others, because you're demoralizing them through bad example.

Finally, you wanted Bible, so here's Bible. Modesty is a biblical virtue; avoiding not only evil, but the appearance of evil, is a biblical precept; and avoiding not only sin, but the risk of sin, is a counsel of biblical wisdom. "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?" (Proverbs 6:27-28, NIV.)

Missionary Dating
I've never before read a column of yours that I didn't agree with. I believe that any type of sexual behavior outside of marriage is wrong in every circumstance and that the sole purpose of dating is to find a suitable marriage partner. But my mind is boggling over "Missionary Dating." If I understand you correctly, meeting Joe for coffee is, by definition, a romantic date, despite our own feelings to the contrary. Is it sexually immoral to spend time with guys?

WOW, you move fast. Let's slow that down and break it up!

Is meeting Joe for coffee, by definition, a date?

"Date (c). An appointment or engagement at a particular time, freq. with a person of the opposite sex; a social activity engaged in by two persons of opposite sex." (Oxford English Dictionary.)

But COFFEE?

Is there something about the aroma of a coffee house that builds antibodies against the development of romance?

Are all dates romantic?

Obviously not — at first. But one thing leads to another, and no "liking" between a man and a woman is unaffected by the fact that they are of opposite sex.

So is it sexually immoral to spend time with guys?

C'mon, you know I didn't say that. Try again.

I mean, is it BAD to spend time with guys?

I didn't say that either. There are lots of ways to spend time with guys besides dating. Try again.

I mean, is it bad to DATE guys?

Dating is fine, but save it for men it would be okay to fall in love with — which, translated, is "men it would be all right to marry." Didn't you say in your letter that the sole purpose of dating is to find a suitable marriage partner?

So you're saying I CAN spend time alone with THOSE guys, right?

You're getting closer, but even with the guys it's okay to date, you should sharply limit your time alone. It's at this point that sex comes into the picture. (Remember? You wanted to bring it up before.) The more hours you spend alone together, the more likely you are to end up horizontal, no matter how firmly you had intended abstinence.

You speak as though we don't have any rational control over ourselves.

Not at all. We have rational control, and we should work to strengthen it. But we should be realistic about its weaknesses. Your rational control is:

1. Strong in deciding what circumstances to put yourself in;

2. Weak in deciding what emotions to have when you're already in those circumstances; and

3. Weakest in deciding what to do when you are already under the influence of those emotions.

For this reason, I emphasize decision 1. You want to put all your eggs in the other two baskets. Sheesh.

Relativism: A Little Confused
This question comes from a class I'm taking. How do you integrate Christianity into the philosophy of cultural relativism? It seems to me that Christianity is debunked by this theory. I'm a little confused.

It's nice to have a question about classroom issues! There haven't been many lately.

You're not confused to think that Christianity and cultural relativism are opposed, but you're mistaken if you think that cultural relativism is true. According to relativism, there is no universal right and wrong; right and wrong are different everywhere. By contrast, Christianity believes in certain fundamental principles of morality that are right for everyone. Yes, some cultures are cannibalistic, but that doesn't make eating people "wrong for me, but right for them." It isn't even true that what different cultures believe about right and wrong is as different as what your relativist teachers may have claimed. At least the cannibals admit that they shouldn't kill their neighbors; the problem is that they refuse to recognize as neighbors the members of other tribes — just as so many Westerners refuse to recognize the child in the womb.

For help in understanding and opposing relativism, try these two very readable books: Francis J. Beckwith and Gregory Koukl, Relativism: Feet Firmly Planted in Mid-Air (Baker Book House), and Paul Copan, True for You, but Not for Me: Deflating the Slogans That Leave Christians Speechless (Bethany House).

Who Can I Talk To?
I'd like to request contact with other Christians who are struggling with or have overcome lesbian desires. I've been in a homosexual relationship for about a year and a half and I want to find freedom in God's design. My youth pastor has been extremely helpful in both accountability and encouragement. However, because he is a happily married heterosexual male, he can't easily relate to what I'm feeling. Having contact with someone who has experienced this would be helpful. Thanks.

To find people who have experienced what you are going through, try Exodus International, the interdenominational Christian umbrella organization promoting freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ. From the home page HERE, you can find links to all sorts of information, including a list of exit ministries located in your area.

Of course, some of my advice for other men and women applies to you as well: Even now, while you are still burdened by lesbian desires, you can avoid the situations which arouse them or which tempt you to give in to them. I'll pray for you.

I Liked Your Other Answers, But ...
In "Feedback and Feedforward" (posted May 17, 2000), I think your answer to "Where are the good men hiding?" missed the point. I understand what she means by attracting the wrong kind of guy. I dress very modestly — some would even call it too conservative — and I am pretty average-looking. But for some reason I draw creepy guys like a magnet! I'm sick to death of guys hitting on me, especially the ones my dad's age. It's disgusting. Any advice at all? Someone told me it was because girls like me tend to be a little sheltered and naive. I feel like I've got the word VIRGIN seared on my forehead — virginity being a good thing, of course, but not the attention it draws. I wonder if this is what your correspondent was talking about.

I hadn't thought of that. All you Christian virgins out there, what do you think? Do creepy guys hit on you because they think you'll be easier prey? And what do you use for creep repellant?

(Thanks for all your responses; we have enough now, and Theophilus will respond in a future column.)

Can Married People Study? (I Mean, Can Student People Marry?)
Professor Theophilus, I read somewhere that you and your wife were married before both of you finished college. How did you know that getting married before finishing was in each other's best interest? How does anyone know?

My girlfriend and I are both undergrads. I dearly love her. Counting graduate school, she won't be finished for five years, and I won't be finished for six.

Yes, we married at nineteen. Don't assume we were good examples; we didn't follow Christ in those years. However, marrying and having children are two of the best things we ever did. The only thing better was returning to Christ. We're convinced that the trend toward later and later marriages is bad for men and women, bad for the society and bad for the Church.

I'm not sure what you mean when you ask whether marriage is "in your best interests." Statistically speaking, married people do tend to be happier, healthier and more successful (are you surprised?). But when you get married, your calculations of interest will become obsolete, because your conception of what life is all about will change. When a man and woman marry, they are no longer two but one. They become a single organism with two souls.

Therefore, if you and your sweetheart would like to get married, don't ask "Is it in our best interest?" Instead ask questions like these:

As to your suitability. Do you both follow Christ? Would you both make good spouses? Would you both make good parents? Do you get along? Are you both such people that she can accept your headship, and you can exercise it?

As to your understanding. Do you both understand that love is not a state of the feelings but a commitment of the will? Are you both prepared to pledge your lives permanently, forsaking all others, not "if it works" but "period"? Do you understand that headship doesn't mean that she serves you, but that you sacrifice for her as Christ sacrificed for the Church?

As to your readiness. Are you both capable of keeping such promises? Are you both willing to do what it takes to support yourselves and care for your children, even if it means taking longer to get through school? Can you both put your new family, and above all Christ, before what in your selfish days you might have called your "interests"?

If you can honestly answer all these questions "Yes," why not marry?

Single Momhood
Professor Theophilus, what do you think about single motherhood? I'm not talking about having sex outside of marriage and getting pregnant, but what about artificial insemination? Or a single person adopting children? It bothers me that there are so many unwanted or uncared for children out there when I want children so badly and could give them a good home. I have been out of college for four years and could support a child financially. After all, which is worse: to have no parents, or to have a mother but no father?

Good questions. I recognize several quite different motivations in your letter — one is your desire to be fruitful, and the other is your compassion. Let's consider them separately.

If you want to bear and raise children, then do it according to God's plan, which is marriage and conjugal love. Please don't try to hotwire your body through artificial insemination. Children need a Mom and a Dad, not a Mom and a sperm bank receipt.

If you want to adopt and raise children, then I advise you not to adopt in your single condition, but to marry a good man and then adopt.

If you are sure that God has called you to a permanently single life, but think He may also be calling you to adopt — such calls do come — I offer you the following advice:

1. Adopt only a child who would otherwise have difficulty being placed with a couple. Better a Mom alone than no parents at all — but better a Mom and Dad than a Mom alone.

2. You say that you can support a child financially, but if you mean putting the kid in daycare while you work, forget it. That's not caring for a child; it's merely owning one.

3. Consider whether you can live the self-denying life that you propose. Single motherhood is difficult under the best of circumstances, and your child will be one whom no one else wanted. Finally,

4. Consider what such a self-denying life will require. You must be a mature follower of Christ, and belong to a supportive community of faith. Your child must have trustworthy males in his life too, preferably male Christian relatives. And because these men will be around a lot, you must be able to avoid complications between these men and yourself.

Grace and Peace,
Professor Theophilus

NEXT TIME: WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE "CALLED TO SINGLENESS"? HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE CALLED TO IT?

If you have questions you’d like to Ask Theo, send us an email and we'll pass it along to him.