Dear Professor Theophilus:

I have only one true enemy. He's my Dad. He and I have never been close, but when I was in high school we grew even farther apart. I remember all the times my father would beat up me and my siblings. and he always told us — and still tells us — and sometimes hits us while telling us — how stupid we are. Now that I'm in college, he still does these things, but I'm usually not there. It's very hard for me to believe that God really cares about us when he lets everyone suffer. I don't know, maybe He just made us, got bored, and left us to do our own thing.

I don't understand my father. He acts as if the way he treats us is perfectly fine and we ask for it. I hope I never become like him, although I can sometimes see (and feel) myself as his mirror image and making him drown in my hatred. That is another reason why it's so hard for me to be a Christian. How can I forgive someone who is soo self-righteous (and always right) when he continues to destroy me and my family?

Reply:

You ask two questions: How can you forgive your father for making his family suffer? And how you can believe in God's love even though God allows such suffering to continue?

We can't do without fathering. Our earthly fathers were intended, through their love, to give us glimpses of the love of our Father in Heaven. It is exactly because this is what they were intended to be that we suffer so greatly when they fall short. When they do fall short — when, like your father, they fail to be likenesses of the heavenly Father, instead becoming fountains of pain — that doesn't mean that we can do without fathering. What it means is that we must hold out our arms and get our fathering directly from God. If we refuse to do this because of our resentment of our earthly fathers, then we merely become like those earthly fathers, continuing the deadly cycle. You've caught a glimpse of that already.

That's why I think that a choice between two paths lies before you. One path is to resent your earthly father so much that you become like him, drowning in hatred and rejecting your Father in heaven too. The other is to depend on your heavenly Father so faithfully that you become like Him instead, overflowing with the strength which is sufficient even to forgive your earthly father.

Here is the bad news: If you try to do this by sheer will power, you'll fail. It can be done only in the power of God.

Therefore, trust Him. Do not ask for proof of His love before you trust; only trust, and then you will receive the proof. If you wonder how you can believe in His love even though He permits us to make each other suffer, remember that in His love He took the worst of our suffering upon Himself. I realize that I repeat that often in this column; it is such a great mystery that even the angels long to look into it (1 Peter 1:12).

Have I answered both questions?

Because you're concerned that you may become your father's mirror image, I am assuming that you are a son rather than a daughter; if so, you may also gain insight from some of the very helpful books of Leanne Payne, especially Crisis in Masculinity. In February 2001, Touchstone magazine ran a special double issue on God and fatherhood called "Return to the Father's House," which may also be helpful to you — and to many other readers. Finally, you may want to take a look at this linked article, "Pain." Please feel free to write again.

A final word. If your father is still physically injuring the younger members of your family, he must be made to stop. Report him to the authorities. This is not a violation of the commandment to honor parents, because it is not a part of honor to allow him to do injury to others.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

IS GOING TO CHURCH UNMANLY?

Dear Dr. Theophilus,

I am 22 years old and engaged to be married to my high school sweetheart. He and I have been dating for almost six years, are very much in love, and have the full support of our families. I have only one worry: His lack of commitment to "organized religion." My relationship with Christ is very important to me, and I am concerned that our differences in faith will become a serious problem. I was raised in the church and it is very important to me that we attend as a family. Because his Dad and Grandfather very rarely went to church, I think he feels that it is "unmanly" in some way.

I know this might sound foolishly optimistic to you, but I honestly believe I can gently lead him to his own faith. He is a very open-minded person, and he greatly respects my beliefs and opinions. For example, I believe using animals for food is unhealthy and causes needless pain, and after many long conversations he agreed with my point of view and joined me in eating vegetarian.

So, I have two questions: one, do you think it's possible for me to lead him to Christ by example; and two, do you have any recommendations on how to do so?

I love this man with all my heart and after much prayer do believe we are meant to be married.

Reply:

Before I answer your question, let me explain two other matters as clearly as I can. The first is that Christians are commanded by God to marry only other Christians. The second is that there is no such thing as churchless Christianity, because the Church is the body of Christ. The Bible is very clear and direct about these teachings.

First about the Church as the body of Christ — this is from 1 Corinthians 12:12-14, 19-27 (NIV).

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body— whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free— and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Now the body is not made up of one part but of many ... If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

You see, then, that if your boyfriend rejects the Church, then in effect he rejects Christ Himself, because the Church is the body of Christ; there is no such thing as a solitary Christian. Second, about not marrying non-Christians — this is from 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (NIV):

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."

These words may shock you. Are we so righteous? Is everyone else so much more wicked than we are? Doesn't Paul say elsewhere that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God? Yes, of course he does (Romans 3:23). Then when Paul says this, has he changed his mind? Not at all. He doesn't mean that you're righteous and the nonbeliever is wicked; he means that you've grabbed onto the righteousness of Christ and the nonbeliever hasn't. Christ offers himself as a sin offering for the nonbeliever too, but the nonbeliever refuses to accept Him. Therefore, in the one thing that matters most of all, the believer and the unbeliever are tragically divided. No marriage can paper over that division! It will always be like a canyon between them. The more the believing spouse grows in the love of Christ, the wider and deeper the canyon will grow.

Now about your question. You ask whether you might be able to lead your boyfriend to Christ through your example. The answer is: Maybe, maybe not. Wait and see. If, through your example, he does come to Christ, then he would become someone you can marry. But if, despite your example, he does not come to Christ, then to marry him would be disobedient to Christ.

Two serious warnings: First, you say that you love this man with all your heart and that "after much prayer do believe we are meant to be married." This belief if premature. The answer to your prayer, "God, are we meant to be married?", will be revealed not in how you sincerely feel about it now, but in whether your boyfriend turns to Christ. Assuming that he is suitable for marriage in all other ways, then, if at last he does turn to Christ, you will know that God's answer is "Yes." But if he doesn't, then you will know that God's answer is "No."

Second, don't start thinking that you can marry him now and convert him later! How could you count on that, if the marriage itself was based on your disobedience to God? How could you count on God's blessing upon it? How could you convert him to Christ by your example, if your example was disobedience to Christ?

These are hard words, I know. But God intends them for your salvation, and for your boyfriend's salvation too. Remember that God loves your boyfriend even more than you do — far, far more than you can even dream — and that His commands are meant in love. To marry the young man before he becomes a Christian may keep him from ever becoming one. It is all right to cry about this if you need to, but be sure to do your crying on the shoulder of the Lord.

A final thought. Your boyfriend's feeling that Christian faith is somehow unmanly is quite common. I have two suggestions. One is that in order to learn that we find our true manhood in Christ alone, he needs strong male Christian role models. Ask Christ to provide these to him — and keep your eyes open, because we often get what we pray for. The other is that some churches and student fellowships really have been feminized. Haven't you ever heard those praise chorus that sound like secular I-wanna-kiss-ya songs, but with the name "Jesus" substituted for the name of the girl? Being a typical man, I cringe with shame whenever I hear them — and their substitution of romantic sentiment for faith isn't just unmanly, it's unChristian. Your boyfriend needs not only strong models of Christian manhood, but a church which respects the Fatherhood of God and the Manhood of Christ — in its teaching, its worship, and its leadership.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

KNOWING THE WILL OF GOD

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I have a question for you pertaining to the will of God. I am a college freshman, and in my humanities class this semester, we have been reading the book on the will of God. Much of what the author says in this book I find in contrast to what I have been taught at church and by my parents. His main idea seems to be that if we seek first the kingdom of God, all of the decisions we make become God's will for our lives. I find it very hard to believe that God would have His will for our lives be whatever we ended up choosing. True, if we are totally given over to God, and He controls every aspect of our lives, then I suppose our will would be aligned with His will, so we would make decisions accordingly. However, who among us has completely surrendered everything yet? If we were, wouldn't we be perfect? None of us are perfect this side of eternity.

I have been taught all my life that in whatever situation a person may be, there is one option (or combination of options) that God wants the person to do. One must discern from the Bible, trustworthy spiritual leaders, situations and a variety of other sources what the will of God is.

I would like to get your input on this matter. Thank you for your help!

Reply:

That's a super letter — but you are really asking three questions, not one. Your first question is, "Is it possible that in some of the choices I make, God might be equally pleased with more than one of my possible decisions?" Your second is, "Is it true that if my will is completely surrendered to God, then I will never make the wrong decision about anything?" And your third is, "Can I ever be certain that my will is completely surrendered to God?"

As to question 1: Suppose that among all the many paths open to you, there were two that would equally glorify God through the employment of the gifts He had given you. Then yes, I suppose He would be equally pleased no matter which of these two paths you chose. Of course this raises another question: Is it ever the case that more than one of the paths before you would give equal glory to God through the employment of the gifts He has given you? I don't think we know the answer to this question, but I don't think we need to. The important thing to remember is that His glory should be our aim.

As to question 2: Suppose that your will were completely surrendered to God, but your head were as empty as a schoolhouse on the first day of summer break. It would be pretty reckless to assume you could do no wrong. To do the right thing, you do need purity in your will — but you also need wisdom in your mind.

But as to question 3: I think you've hit the nail on the head. In this life, not even the holiest believer can be sure that his will has been surrendered entirely to God. In fact, except for Jesus, the holiest people we know of have been the least willing to trust their own holiness. David knew what he was talking about when he prayed, "Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression" (Psalm 19:12-13, NIV, emphasis added). John's first letter is even more emphatic: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His word has no place in our lives" (1 John 1:9-10, NIV).

Keep thinking; God has given you a gift for it.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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