DEAR PROFESSOR:

About 2 years ago, my very best friend — a Christian, who is married — confessed to me that she had had an affair with someone. Since then, she was living a wild secret life; getting involved with men in bars. Well, I am also one of her husband's best friends. We have all been very close friends for a long time. I held that secret within myself for a year. Finally, I told a mutual friend some of the things our friend was doing. I didn't tell him anything concrete, but led him to think of the worst case scenario (an affair). I told him because I wanted his opinion as to what to do. I realize NOW that I shouldn't have bothered him with my concerns. He believes the husband has a right to know what his wife did to him. The wife says she feels terribly guilty, and wants to tell her husband everything, but is afraid to say anything for fear that she will lose him and her children. My confidant thinks that if the wife doesn't confess, he should take it upon himself to tell her husband. I disagree. It's like a cycle. My friend, "unburdened" herself by telling me to ease her own discomfort, but she put that burden of knowledge on me. I didn't know what to do with it — so I put the burden on another friend. He doesn't want it either — and has no idea what to do with it.

What does it mean in the scripture when it says to "share one another's burdens"? Should I tell her husband? Or leave it alone? And what if my confidant takes it upon himself to tell the husband?

DEAR CONFUSED:

Brace yourself. The husband has a right to know what has been going on. Aside from all the other reasons, your friend is putting his life at risk because of sexually transmitted disease. It's best for him to hear the truth from his wife, but one way or another he has to hear it. Don't let your confidant perform this unpleasant duty for you; he's not the one she confessed to. You're the only one who can do it. Call your friend immediately. Today. Tell her, "Either you tell your husband the whole truth, or I do." Give her a time limit — no more than a week. Don't argue, don't discuss, don't apologize, and don't back down. Then get off the phone.

Make sure you have a way to know whether she does tell her husband. It isn't enough for her to tell you that she has. She has been using her husband, she has been using you, and she will lie.

If you do wind up having to tell her husband, say to him, "Your wife has confessed to me various instances of adultery against you. The behavior is still going on. I told her that if she didn't tell you, I would. Please don't ask me for details. You'll have to find out the rest from her." Then follow the same rules as before: Don't argue, don't discuss, don't apologize, don't back down — and get off the phone.

Don't concern yourself with what may happen. Your obligation before God is to do the right thing, not to make the right thing happen; what happens isn't up to you. And don't concern yourself with making people like you. No one but God will like you for this. Everyone else will be angry with you, and your friendship with the woman will be over.

Remember that sharing one another's burdens doesn't mean helping others keep sinful secrets from those who have a right to the truth. The husband has a right to the truth.

That's hard to take, I know. One wishes there were an easier way. In this case, there isn't. Don't put this off, or you will probably put it off forever. I'll pray that God will help you.

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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