Boundless: Your Turn-Feedback And Feedforward

Feedback And Feedforward

This time our letters concern an assortment of topics both old and new.

NOT HAVING BABIES: NOT AN OPTION
You might be surprised to discover that I totally agree with your two articles on having children. I am single and 34 and in full-time ministry (I work with youth and college age). One of the challenges of being single is that it is very easy to become extremely selfish. I find that I have to be on my guard against it all the time. As I observe parents dealing with both the blessing and the challenges of raising children, and knowing the message my culture and society sends loud and clear, "LIVE FOR YOURSELF!" I am not at all surprised that Christians are now coming up with spiritual reasons for not having children. Read Romans 12:1-2, and be warned that you are not conforming to the world's ideas.

I also know that God is way more concerned about my character than he is about what I DO for him, so the excuse to not have children in order to do ministry doesn't hold any water for me. If you are truly serious about devoting yourself to full-time ministry, then read 1 Corinthians 7 and stay single. Nowhere does the Bible say, "Couples, serve in undivided devotion to God and remain childless." Corinthians 7 assumes that if you are married, you will have children and face the inevitable challenges of balancing those responsibilities with ministry. From what I can tell (from this distance), raising children is one of the most character building experiences available, and also one of life's greatest blessings.

What can I say about your marvelous letter but "Thank you"?

JEWISH FRIENDS
I have some Jewish friends, and I've visited their Chabad house to check it out. How can I tell them about my faith without offending them? I've heard their rabbi denounce Christians, and some of his points are valid. Besides, many of the things he said could almost have been taken from the New Testament. Why is my religion better? How can I explain why my friends should believe in Christ?

The most important advice I can give you is: Don't push. Jews have suffered so much persecution over the centuries that innocently sharing the Gospel may raise fears of anti-Semitism. Develop your friendships; draw your friends out about their beliefs; pray that in turn they may be led to draw you out about yours. When you ask "Why is my religion better?", you are asking the wrong question. Christianity is not a new and "better" religion in competition with Judaism; it is the continuation of Judaism. We gentiles have been "adopted" into the family of Abraham, to which the Jews, our older brothers, belong by birth (Galatians 3:29). The reason Jews should believe in Jesus is that He is the Jewish Messiah, the fulfillment of Jewish prophecy, the sinbearer: "he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5). No wonder, despite his hostility, the rabbi said so many things that sounded Christian. Christianity is Jewish.

HIGH AS A KITE
I am at a loss as to how to reach out to a dear friend. She comes from a broken home, and as soon as she graduated from high school she moved in with her boyfriend. He never worked, but she worked two jobs to support him. After a year apart, she's quitting her job to move in with him again. Naively, she claims they'll be chaste, although they weren't the first time. She also thinks shacking up will lead to marriage, just as she thought then. They both claim to be strong Christians, and I'm worried about her bad example to her non-Christian family. Although I don't want to judge her, I don't want her to think that I condone what she's doing either, and I don't know how to approach such a sensitive subject. I've been praying for her for weeks.

Your friend and her man are in equally bad shape; that's one of the reasons they're attracted to each other. Right now it's unlikely that you'll be able to get through to her, because she's high as a kite on fantasies, and doesn't want to be undeceived. But remain alert, because you may have a chance to get through when she crashes — as some day she surely will. If the opportunity to speak should present itself, listen first. Then use the plainest words you know, neither softening them nor trying to make them tough. Though you should certainly speak as a friend, don't shape your words on the assumption that she is a sister in the faith, because her life gives no evidence that this is true. Keep praying for her, because God has ways we know nothing about.

TRYING TO FIX THEM
My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months, and since the beginning we have been pretty physical. Finally I decided that this was hurting my relationship with God too much, so I set sharp limits. The "Ask Theophilus" on premarital sex helped me know where to set them. My problem is that my boyfriend is not a virgin and sees nothing wrong with sex or anything else before marriage. He won't stop pestering me to change my mind and relent on my limits. The easy answer would be to break up, right? Well, I really don't want to do that. He's got a lot of emotional problems, and I don't want to add to them, since he really does care for me.

I don't see why you say the fellow cares for you — he may have strong feelings, but the strongest seems to be "I want my way." He proves this not only by nagging you for sex, but also by using his emotional problems to keep you under control.

I'm also concerned about you, because compassion is one of the worst possible reasons to date a man. A girlfriend is not a counselor. You won't "fix" the guy; you'll only wreck yourself.

The fact that you make excuses for your boyfriend instead of realistically appraising his character is a serious danger sign. The fact that you say "I know what to do, but please tell me something else," is another. I encourage you to speak with the people in Focus on the Family's counseling department ([719] 531-3400, ext. 2700). You can count on my prayers.

ILLOGICAL, STEREOTYPICAL, UNFORGIVABLY DUMB
One young homosexual woman wrote several letters about "Homophobia: An Unfinished Story" as well as a paragraph-by-paragraph commentary on the column itself. Altogether this came to about 3100 words, so I've just strung together the highlights — four full sentences from the second letter and seven from the commentary. I've patched in three of my own from the column, for context.

[She writes] I have SERIOUS issues with how you characterized Theophilus' opponent. He is illogical, stereotypical and unforgivably DUMB. If an actual gay student talked to you that way, I think he must be pretty dumb, too. I would like to see how you respond to my points about disease and difference in same-gender relationships.

[Theophilus wrote] "Tell me what's loving about sex acts that causes bleeding, choking, disease and pain."

[She writes] These very same sex acts can be engaged in by mixed-gender couples.

[Theophilus wrote] "Aren't you the one who rejects what is different than yourself? Don't you reject the challenge of the other sex?"

[She writes] I was born and raised in [America]. My girlfriend spent the first 13 years of her life [overseas]. That in itself is a difference. We have very different personalities — I'm vocal and emotional, she's quiet and analytical. We look very different — I weigh, literally, almost twice as much as she does. We are of different religions — I'm a Vodoun/Witchcraft syncretist, she's a Gnostic Christian.

Thank you for your second note. Concerning the dialogue, yes, it's just as you now suspect: everything that my fictional character Lawrence says is taken either from conversations with, letters from or articles by people leading the homosexual life. Perhaps that will absolve me of stereotyping or disrespect. Concerning difference, I think you misunderstood my point. The sexual difference is unlike other kinds of difference, because men and women are designed for each other; each lacks something which only the other can provide. Finally, concerning disease, you're quite right that if a man and woman engage in sexual practices for which their bodies are not designed, they will suffer the same ill effects that homosexuals suffer for engaging in them. Please, my dear, consider the implications.

CLASS PROJECT
For a class project, I'm interested in your strategy of hypothetical conversation. In "Homophobia: An Unfinished Story," it's obvious that you had to walk a thin line, yet not cower from addressing the heart of the matter. How typical was the way your hypothetical composite kept changing the subject?

I've often conversed or corresponded with people like Lawrence, who become enraged at the very thought that someone might question their behavior. On the other hand, I've had conversations with people who struggle against their desires, people who celebrate them, people who debate about them — and people who, by the grace of God, have escaped from them. Every conversation is different.

For "Homophobia: An Unfinished Story," I modeled a conversation of the first kind. It isn't that the other kinds of conversation aren't also worth telling about, but I try to help where help is most needed, and I know from my mail that college Christians are stunned and baffled when hit by defensive sloganeering, accusations of hatred, tendentious redefinition of terms, willful misunderstanding and rapid-fire changes of topic — like Lawrence's. Among other things, I wanted to show the difference between how to deal with a bona fide intellectual objection and how to deal with a smokescreen. I also wanted to show that love doesn't mean softening the truth.

My correspondent also asks,

How accurate a sample were the letters about "Homophobia: An Unfinished Story" in "Ask Theophilus"?

Many times more mail has arrived about this dialogue than about most. A few letters have come from people who wanted to applaud or vituperate me. A much larger number have come from readers who were grateful or relieved because I had cleared up some burdensome confusion — especially how God hates sin because He loves us, not because He hates us. The most poignant letters — there have been a lot of these too — have posed practical questions: "My boyfriend is gay." "My daughter is emotionally entangled with a homosexual man." "Why am I troubled by same-sex attractions sometimes but not other times?" "My friend confessed his homosexual involvement to me and asked for my 'support.' How can I continue to be a friend, while resisting the pressure to approve?"

DOES IT MATTER WHO WE LIVE WITH?
I go to a secular school, and it's a difficult environment for evangelism. Even so, I wonder about the suggestion to room only with Christians. Last year I roomed with non-Christian girls, and though it didn't help me, it didn't seem to hurt. This year I roomed with Christian girls, and the problem was how not to form a "Christian cocoon". What are your thoughts? Thanks.

You make an interesting point, but consider two more. First, so long as you don't form a nasty clique, there is nothing wrong and plenty right with having extra-close friends; solitary Christians don't exist. Second, there is a cocooning tendency in all close girl friendships, whether the girlfriends are Christian or not. If you haven't experienced it with your non-Christian girlfriends, it probably wasn't because they weren't Christian, but because they weren't close. So the real question becomes: What's the difference between Christian and non-Christian girlfriend cocoons? Here's my answer: Both kinds of cocoon draw the girlfriends inward to themselves, but the non-Christian kind has nothing in it to balance that inward pull, while the Christian kind does: it has the love of Christ, which looks outward.

Here's another letter on the same topic:

Yes, it DOES matter who you live with! Last year I roomed with a wonderful woman of God who encouraged my spiritual and emotional health. It was my best year academically and the only year I didn't get sick. My whole ministry and service on campus was more effective because of my living situation. Last semester I roomed with two women, one of them non-Christian. I went to AA with her, cried with her and watched all the men who came, used her and went. But I had to be constantly on guard not to condone her way of life just to maintain the friendship.

I understand. You didn't have to live with her in order to cry and go to AA with her. It was living with her, not loving her, that made it hard to draw the line between being a friend and condoning her way of life. Thank you for your letter.

WHERE ARE THE GOOD MEN HIDING?
I don't know if I should write, but I don't know where to turn. I'm a senior ready to start student teaching. The problem isn't with my education, but with finding the right guy. I feel so alone — I want to share my life with someone who shares my values and beliefs. People tell me that I'm attractive, but I always seem to attract the "wrong" guys. I know that God will answer my prayers in His time, but am I doing something wrong? Where can I go to find the type of guy I am looking for? I spend many evenings alone because I have no desire to go to the bars or parties, and I am beginning to get depressed. Please help me. I love children and meeting people way too much to remain alone forever.

Yours is a common problem, and it's a double-header: Where to find the right kind of guy, and how not to attract the wrong ones.

As to the first part, the only places to look that you mention are bars and "parties," by which I think you mean not ice cream socials but the sort of debauched carouses in which fraternities tend to specialize. Right; avoid them. But you're leaving out the obvious. There are lots of good campus Christian organizations like InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. Not only that, but in most college towns you can find a good church that sponsors college groups or young singles groups too. Check them out.

As to the second part, you may be attracting the wrong kind of guy just because you haven't been looking in the right kind of place. But there's another possibility, What do you mean by "attractive"? Sometimes young women send the wrong sort of signals to young men by immodest dress or makeup. This is a spiritual issue too — see 1 Timothy 2:9-10.

So, confide in an older, married, spiritually mature Christian woman who can advise you. Don't worry, you don't have to look like Mother Hubbard — but if you don't want to attract the wrong sort of guy, then you can't afford to look like the wrong sort of girl.

If you have questions you’d like to Ask Theo, send us an email and we'll pass it along to him.