Fortunately, research has come a long way since that historic first re-entry when college freshman "Biff," a test-monkey, came home for the summer and fell into a catatonic stupor for a month, apparently a result of having no Chalupa access after 2 a.m. He recovered from his Post Yo Quiero Mucho Foodo de Fasto Disorder only after being administered 24 liters of Mountain Dew (not recommended without a prescription).

There are many challenges you will face. The first thing you’ll notice is how much smarter you are than before. Thanks to that semester of Philosophy 101, you know practically — no, scratch that — you know everything. A little Plato and Nietzsche under your belt and watch out!

Warning! Your parents will not share this sentiment!

Your parents will not be impressed that you believe the practice of daily personal hygiene to be "bourgeois conformity." Just do your best to understand that some people are not as self-actualized as you are. Not everyone will appreciate your ability to say words like "epiphenominalism" and "solipsism" without producing spittle, and cool Latin phrases like sine qua non, and my personal favorite, reductio ad absurdum without causing injury to your larynx. So do your best to keep your wisdom to yourself and you’ll avoid being called "college smarty-pants." You’ll also avoid having someone ask you what those words actually mean.

Another problem you’ll face will be adjusting to the odd hours people keep in the "real" world (as parents will constantly refer to it). For instance, just as you begin to drift off for an evening’s rest, beloved family members will be waking up, slamming doors throughout the house, having entire conversations just inches outside your bedroom door and running a vacuum cleaner up and down the hallway until every dirt proton has been eradicated. Jack Hammer crews will conduct a treasure hunt up and down your street trying to determine "where that pesky gas leak is." Airplanes will have re-routed their flight patterns for the summer, making your home the first hurdle to clear at take-off. And the washing machine, located just beyond your bedroom wall, will be woefully unbalanced during the hazardous spin cycle.

Adjusting to this pernicious "zip code lag" will prove difficult. I suggest you invest now in a top-of-the-line set of earplugs. Or, do what I do and strap a pillow over each ear. Make several loops around your head and pillows with duct tape, and be sure to leave breathing and drooling space.

Being too smart and continuously sleepy will unfortunately be the least of your re-entry problems. Your greatest challenge will be passing the pop quiz your parents will verbally fire at you before allowing you to exit or enter your home. I’ve provided a sample quiz with which to prepare:

1. True/False
"You did make the Honor Roll this semester, didn’t you?"

Correct answer: True

Incorrect answer: Funny you should ask that, Dad, because I was just thinking about how the world puts so much significance on "grading" and "achievement" and making silly, and really, unjust, comparisons between "good" grades and "bad" grades, which really are nothing more than relative, random standards of measurement anyway. I mean really, what is the meaning of "good" or "bad"? I believe that this prejudiced approach to judging one’s inherent value is dangerous to one’s self-esteem — all this emphasis on "performance." Besides, some people just aren’t "book" people, if you catch my drift. Some people can be very smart — even have very high I.Q.’s — but have problems learning in the traditional teaching environment like lectures and textbooks and tests. Didn’t Einstein drop out of school in the 8th grade or something like that? Anyway, I think you know what I mean, Dad, don’t you?

2. Where are you going?

Correct answers: to find a job; to the library; to the science museum; to re-shingle the roof; to church; to volunteer in a soup kitchen or nursing home; to attend a lecture series on the importance of financial responsibility; to write a letter to the editor promoting the concept of "honoring one’s parents."

Incorrect answers: bungee-jumping; shopping for a new summer wardrobe at Abercrombie and Fitch; to get tongue pierced or head shaved; to a friend’s house to watch FOX’s Dawson’s Creek 12-episode marathon; to buy an iguana; to take a ride upstate on your new boyfriend’s Harley; "I dunno."

3. When will you be home?

Correct answers: whenever you would like me to be (this is the only correct answer).

Incorrect answers: sometime; later; later on; maybe tonight; "I dunno."

4. Where have you been? See #1 above.

5. Have you found a summer job yet?

Correct answer: Yes. It pays well and has medical, dental and life insurance benefits, a 401K plan, and my paychecks are directly deposited into a savings or college tuition account (based upon the parent’s preference).

Incorrect answer: Um, well, yeah, about that job hunt thing — I haven’t, like, actually gone out and really looked for one, but, like, I have heard that there’s some company doing some sort of research on this, like, new drug treatment for skin rashes or somethin’ like that, and, uh, I figured I’d, like, go down and check that out cause it sounds pretty promising, and they’re paying, like, 50 bucks to anyone who’ll take this, like, experimental pill or somethin’. So, you know, I dunno, I thought that sounded pretty good…

Score: 5 out of 5: "Son/Daughter of the Year" award.
4 out of 5: You should have a fairly good summer barring any unforeseen misfortune you cause with the family vehicle.
3 out of 5: You still have a couple of months to redeem yourself.
2 out of 5: Outside of earning a Purple Heart in the last half of the summer, you don’t have enough time to redeem yourself.
1 out of 5: Consider summer school.
0 out of 5: Join the Ugandan Peace Corps immediately.

Well my homeward-bound friends, these helpful tips should be enough to get you through the dog days of summer. If things get tough just remember those inspirational words from someone who also experienced the challenges of going far away and returning home: "Being home for the summer is one small step for man, and one giant load of laundry for Mom."

For more laughs, check out:
Changing Majors? Don't Forget to Tell Mom and Dad

Remembering Summer Camp: A Tribute to the Counselors