SNARED

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I'm new to Boundless and don't know if you can help, but I hope you can. You may not be the person I should be asking, but you were the only one I could find. I'm a 19 year old college student. I became a Christian when I was 14, and it changed my life big time, man! I was so close to God, and I was highly respected by my friends as being really spiritual. People I knew at school who didn't even believe in God would come to me for advice. I'm not trying to brag, but I know God was using me a lot. Then, a few months after I turned 17, I made a huge mistake. Some friends of mine got into pornography, and they sucked me in too. Whenever I was home alone, I would turn my computer on and find whatever I could. I became addicted really fast. I knew how bad it was, and I prayed to God to help me stop, but I kept getting into it. I've quit off and on now for several years. Needless to say, my spiritual life has hit rock bottom. I recently have made a huge effort to get my life right again, but the more I try, the harder it becomes. It has got so bad that some friends and I trade porn with each other and talk about sex all the time. Masturbation has also taken control of me. Although I've still been able to save myself for marriage, I don't know that I can hold out much longer. I know that other guys struggle with this, and I know that God is disappointed, but I know He's waiting on me to come back to Him. I love God with everything in me, and I know that He won't bless my life with this in it. I want out so bad. Even if you can't write me back, I just ask that you pray for me. I'm at the bottom of a dark pit, screaming to get out. I'm about to turn 20. I never dreamed that I'd still be struggling with this now. Please help. Thanks man for listening.

Reply

Of course I'll pray for you. There are also some practical things you can do to change.

(1) You must want to change with all your heart. Jesus asked a sick man who came to him, "Do you want to be healed?" Good question. People don't always want to be.

(2) Recognize that you are in the grip of a besetting sin, and that you can't deal with it alone.

(3) Find an accountability group for people with your problem, get into it, and stay with it. The most well-known accountability groups are "Twelve-Step Groups" modeled after the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, but adapted to other addictions or compulsions such as sex or cocaine. You can find Twelve-Step Groups in any sizable town or city. Often they are hosted by churches.

(4) If you try therapy, be sure to look for a Christian therapist. He should also be one with experience in dealing with compulsive behaviors.

(5) Get rid of those friends you mentioned -- drop them cold. Get new ones who don't have the same problem. A sexual compulsive trying to stay pure around old porno buddies is like an alcoholic trying to stay sober around old drinking buddies. It can't be done.

(6) Avoid temptations. I know that sounds obvious, but have you thought through what it means? Study your life and see what you need to change. For example, if you find that you can't trust yourself to use the computer without looking for pornography, then get rid of the computer. You can live without it. If you find that you can't trust yourself to take warm baths without masturbating, then switch to cold showers. If you can't trust yourself not to stop at the porno hangouts on the way home from work, then change the route you take to get home. Or join a carpool.

(7) Keep praying. I know you feel spiritually "dry" right now, but don't worry about your feelings. It isn't the feelings that make the difference, but staying connected with God. Pray every day, even if you don't feel answered, and repent and get up no matter how many times you fall.

(8) One of the people associated with Boundless has set up a website to help people who are burdened by addictions to internet pornography. The address is www.pureintimacy.org. I think you'll find some ideas there too.

Thousands have been ensnared by pornography, but thousands have found liberty. May Christ our Liberator bless you with the true freedom of His service.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

SMOKE STORY

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I have two questions, but in a way I think I probably know the answer. The first: Is having an occasional alcoholic drink once in awhile all right if you don't get drunk? The second: How about the occasional use of marijuana and cigarettes? Thank you for your time.

Reply

The way you frame your questions suggests that you think these things are not the same. I agree.

Two points are accepted by all Christians: First, that we should not consume anything which harms our bodies, and second, that we should never become intoxicated. All the rest requires judgment. Now of the substances you mention -- alcohol, tobacco and marijuana -- some Christians think it wisest to stay away from all three, while others allow the moderate use of alcohol. One difference between alcohol and marijuana is that although a person may have a glass of wine without getting drunk, getting high is the whole reason for smoking a joint. In fact, the more experience with marijuana one has had, the less it takes to get high. Another difference among the three substances is that although even small quantities of tobacco and marijuana are harmful -- a problem even with the therapeutic uses of marijuana -- small quantities of alcohol may produce limited health benefits without harm. That's why Paul advised Timothy to take a little wine with his meals for his ailing stomach (1 Timothy 5:23). For such reasons, most of the Christian denominations do permit moderate use of alcohol, but urge abstention from the other two substances, especially marijuana. However, even if your denomination permits the moderate use of alcohol, you should avoid it if you find that you get drunk easily, that you have difficulty practicing moderation, that the use of it impairs your judgment, that you are changing your way of life to accommodate it, that you are becoming dependent upon it, that you dislike people who don't use it -- or, of course, if you are under the legal age.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

ANOTHER SMOKE STORY

I accepted Christ only a few years ago, and there is a lot I don't know. During my teenage rebellion, I picked up the habit of smoking. No one knows, and I'd be ashamed to tell them. I've been praying earnestly for God to help me to quit, but in the meantime I wonder if my salvation is endangered. I could never ask my pastor about this one. Reply

I won't pretend that wrecking our lungs isn't sinful, but the teaching of Christianity is that, through Christ, God forgives repented sin. If you have genuinely repented and are trying earnestly to break the habit, I don't think you need to worry that you will be shut out of heaven. The reason it's so hard to stop smoking is that smoking is more than a habit; the body develops an actual nicotine addiction. Fortunately, much more help is available these days than there used to be. So, you should keep praying and working on the condition of your heart -- but you should also see a physician about the condition of your body. Tell the doctor you want to quit smoking, and ask how he can help.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

STRESSED OUT

This semester has really done me in. I never get to see my friends or my boyfriend. When I go home to see my family, I spend the whole time doing schoolwork. My poor family gets the raw end of the deal because I'm always uptight when I am home. I don't work out any more because I feel guilty about taking the time from schoolwork. I even struggle with prayer time -- I feel that I ought to be doing schoolwork instead of talking with God. That's ridiculous! But I think that way anyway! All of this is so overwhelming. What do I do?

Reply Consider carefully whether your main problem is how much work you have -- or how you go about getting it done. You may just need some tips on time management and coping with stress. There are lots of books on the subject, some written with a Christian sense of what counts as a well-ordered life.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

WHAT ABOUT JULIE?

In "The Peter Pan Syndrome" , Zack can't seem to grow up. There's a lot of talk about fathers and sons, and in the end Theophilus tells him to meditate on "the perfect Manhood of the perfect Father's Son" -- to copy Christ. That makes sense, but I'm a girl, and like Zack, I wonder what his girlfriend Julie is supposed to do.

In many ways I feel exactly like Zack. I'm 21, but I hardly feel anywhere close to grown up. To be honest, I'm terrified of being an adult. I don't come from a divorced family, so that excuse isn't going to work for me. Maybe I've just picked up the disillusioned postmodern attitude -- but still. You talked a lot about growing up into a man. This brings me back to my original question: What's Julie supposed to do?

Reply

That's a great question, and it highlights the ways in which the popular motto "What Would Jesus Do?" leaves something to be desired. One reason is that Jesus was both man and God, and in His divine nature, He often acted with an authority that we humans cannot share -- we can't "do" like God.

The other reason -- the reason which makes your letter such a good one, and the reason why this answer will make some people angry -- is that in His human nature, Jesus was not the perfect Generic Human, but the perfect Man. He was not the daughter of God, but the Son. Yes, by His incarnation He dignified the human nature shared by man and woman alike, but He wasn't both a man and a woman. Paul addresses the asymmetry of man and woman too, in his remarks on husbands and wives. The husband is to love his wife in the sacrificial way that Christ loved the Church; the woman is to submit to her husband as the Church submits to Christ. I think that's harder on the husband than on the wife, but that's not my point. My point is that they're different.

Who then is the model for women? Considering Paul's remarks, the question becomes "What woman most perfectly modelled in her own person the submission of the Church to Christ Himself?" There can be only one answer to that question: Mary, whose beautiful response to God's call to give birth to His Son was "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."

It follows then that in His Godhood, Jesus is to be worshipped, not imitated, while in his Humanity, He is the model for both men and women. But for Zack and all men, the model of Sonship and Manhood is Jesus, while for Julie and all women, the model of Daughterliness and Womanhood is Mary. And the whole Church looks to Mary as the model of submission to Christ Himself.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

WHAT IF?

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I've been thinking about "Not Much Use for God" . What if Rachel gets rid of her anger, gets right with God, becomes the "messenger" to her brothers and all that jazz -- yet her brothers don't listen anyway? What if their refusal to listen stirs her right back to her original position -- being angry with God for not showing Himself to her? Besides the fact that she might be God's only messenger to her brothers, what other reason does she have for getting rid of her anger towards Him?

Let me put it another way. Assume the best, that Rachel's father died in Christ and will be raised with the rest of the dead in Christ at the last trump (or however that goes). I can see why this would comfort a believer whose beloved dead were also believers. But what if Rachel's brothers continued to spurn Christ until their death? Then what comfort would there be for her?

Reply

Of course you're right that Rachel's brothers might not respond, just as Rachel herself might not respond. The point isn't that helping her brothers is the only good reason to be reconciled with God. It's that she is irrational to blame God for the free decisions of human beings -- whether her brothers' or her own. If she genuinely laid aside her anger and opened the doors of her sullen heart to the grace of God, she would soon discover many other reasons to trust Him. No one's motives for surrendering to Christ are pure; how amazing it is that He is willing to accept us on those terms. "I believe! Help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24.)

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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