WALLS OF SORROW

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I have grown up in the eyes of the church as a son of a pastor. I never felt accepted, but tried to be the perfect son. I can honestly say that my father and I have more a business relationship than an emotional one. Life has been lonely, and I have never felt accepted by another male or had a close relationship of any value with another man. I have a deep longing of closeness which has never been filled, and have been attracted to men. Lust is present but it's mostly a longing of fulfillment of being held, or to know I have value. The Scriptures and the promises of God should fill this void, but they do not. I have felt empty for 20 years and ever since I was little I have yearned to be with a man. I have had two girlfriends and have been equally attracted to them, but I don't feel I'm straight, bisexual, or homosexual. I'm a person longing to be loved and willing to fill my loneliness Once I had some sexual activity with a coworker of mine, and when he held me and made me feel important, I felt walls of sorrow come crashing down. I felt complete for the first time and loved.

I hate feeling guilty and sad. I have to keep this a secret because it would ruin my Christian reputation. I'm overcome with sadness because I want to be loved by a man, but in the eyes of Christians and God, I can't. I want to do what is right in God's eyes, but does He understand me? Am I gay? Why would God allow me to have these feelings?

Reply

My heart goes out to you. Yes, God understands. I'll try to offer some practical advice.

One of your questions is how you should think of yourself. Think of yourself simply as a man, because God did not create us "gay" and "straight," but men and women. Even though your earthly father did not affirm your growing manhood, you are in fact a man, as well as an adopted son of the Father, a brother of Christ, and a brother of Christ's other sons and daughters. The fact that you sometimes suffer attractions for people of the same sex — because you did not receive the affirmation which every son needs from his earthly father — does not change this.

I am impressed with how well you understand this already. Add one more item to your stock of insight: It is important not to give in to those feelings of sexual attraction for other men, because although giving in may make you feel better temporarily, it cannot heal the underlying problem — the longing for fatherly affirmation — and will only cause you much greater pain. That is part of the reason why God forbids it. I know you understand me, because even though you wrote "when he held me and made me feel important. . . . I felt complete for the first time and loved," just a few lines earlier you admitted "I have never felt accepted by another male or had a close relationship of any value with another man." Your loneliness is seeking a false satisfaction.

The same thing happens to heterosexuals, by the way. A lonely girl may feel her walls of sorrow come crashing down — for an instant — in the arms of a man who wants to use her. But before long her sorrow has doubled, and her walls are twice as high. Do not be deceived: You cannot heal loneliness by sin, neither with the same sex nor with the other.

What can you do? With help from God and other Christians, many people who suffer same-sex desires do escape from them, and even those who do not escape from them entirely can experience great relief. For those who do continue to suffer from them to some degree, God also promises help against temptation. This side of heaven, He does not promise to all men complete freedom from attractions to other men — any more than he promises all men complete freedom from attractions to women who are not their wives. Everyone suffers some kind of temptation, and some of us suffer different kinds than others.

I do have several friends, of both sexes, who have been completely freed from same-sex attractions. I don't have any who were able to achieve such freedom by themselves; besides the grace of God, they all needed the support of other believers. This help may come from an understanding local church — not a congregation that lets biblical standards slide, but one that practices compassion. That's where my friends found help. Or it may come from a self-help group of Christians who are all struggling with this problem and encouraging each other in the effort to overcome it; you can find out whether any such groups meet in your area by contacting the organization Exodus International. Some people have also received help from what is called "reparative" therapy. You can find out whether anyone in your area offers reparative therapy by contacting NARTH, the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. Unlike Exodus, NARTH is not a Christian organization, but it includes Christian therapists, among others.

One of the things that support from other Christians will help you to do is learn to form normal, non-sexual friendships with other men. Learning to do this takes time, but you'll find that it helps enormously. After all, that's what you really want and need. You may also gain some insight into whether your relationship with your earthly father can be improved; if this is possible, it will be a great relief to you too. I also suggest that you make a focus of your prayer life the cultivation of the Father-son relationship between God, the Father, and you, His adopted son, mediated through your divine brother, Jesus Christ.

I'll pray that God sends you strength and insight, and helps you find the other Christians who can support you in your effort to rebuild your male relationships and to walk in sexual purity. Blessings to you, brother.

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

I KNOW WHAT TO DO. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I am a 21-year-old college junior. I've had an interesting path, with some stumbles where I fell away from my parents and dabbled in some not-so-good things. During that time, though, I never lost my faith and always looked to God for help and guidance. He brought me through, restored my relationship with my family, returned me to school, put me in a amazing church, and blessed me in ways that seem impossible.

My problem is that during my time of confusion, my boyfriend moved into my apartment. Although we're not sexually active, I know people who believe that we are (fair enough). We have our own rooms and our own busy, full lives, and we totally love each other. We both are very active in our church. We've both straightened up a lot of things in our lives. Even so, I know that it's not good that we live together.

What should we do? We think we should wait to get married until after I graduate from college. But since we want to be together, should we get married sooner and make our living situation more righteous? Or do we need to move apart for a while to renew ourselves? I just want us to stand before God as two people who humbly love each other and don't want to be promiscuous. I know I wouldn't want my daughter to live with her boyfriend. I would appreciate your advice.

Reply

My dear, the tone and content of your letter show with great clarity that you already know what you should do, and that you also know the reasons. All you need now is to do it. Your boyfriend needs to move out right away. If it takes him a little while to find a permanent place, then in the meantime he should stay with a male friend — not with you. God bless you. I don't think you need me to say any more to you than this, because the picture is clear to you already. The other things will take care of themselves.

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

A "PART TWO" QUESTION

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I read your reply to the question about cohabitation in "Department s of Irreligious Studies," but I have a "Part Two" question. My fiancé and I have been living together for several months now. We've just recently moved into the house we'll be living in after we're married. I too have children involved. In fact I have two of them — a 7-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl who look to my fiancé as Daddy because they neither see nor hear from the sperm donors. Here's my question. The wedding is in three weeks, and we're both trying to do what God wants for us — not only for our marriage but also our family. Would God really want my fiancé to move out for such a short period of time, even though we're not having sex and have put limits on physical contact?

Reply

Blessings for writing. I congratulate you on your upcoming marriage, and on your desire to follow God and do the right thing. One of the right things to do — and God is quite clear about this — is not to live together unmarried, no, not even for a day. The fact that only three weeks remain until the wedding is irrelevant. Here are four good biblical reasons.

1) Three weeks is long enough for everyone you know to be convinced that your relationship with your fiance is unchaste — even if it isn't. That's a serious matter. God says we should stay away not only from wrong, but also from the appearance of wrong.

2) Three weeks is long enough to send the wrong message to your children about how unmarried people should live. There aren't any words you can say to them that will make this bad example OK. On the other hand, to show them that you are willing to change what you are doing and suffer the inconvenience of a temporary separation, just to please God, will send a strong and powerful good message — one which they may not appreciate now, but which they will thank you for some day. God holds us responsible for every detail of the example that we set our children.

3) Three weeks is long enough to be tempted, no matter how strong your resolution to be chaste. The biblical saying "Pride goes before a fall" applies to pride about your strength of resolution, too.

4) By being willing to please God even when it involves inconvenience or frustration, you will develop the muscles of spiritual obedience which your marriage will need to stay strong. A healthy marriage depends on God's will, not self-will.

Two cautions against self-deception: Don't tell yourselves "We can't find him another place to live in such a short time!" It's easy, if you're really trying. If he were living in an apartment and it burned down at breakfast, by suppertime he'd have found a temporary place to stay, wouldn't he? With a guy friend, whatever — he wouldn't be sleeping on the street. And don't tell yourselves "It's too late to set a good example for the kids and our friends, because we've set the bad one already!" It's never too late. You can set the example of changing your behavior when you realize that you're not doing the right thing! What a powerful example that would be!

May God always help you to do the right thing, now and throughout your coming marriage.

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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