I've just graduated from a Christian college after studying missions and children's ministry. When I first entered the program, I intended on being a children's pastor in a church. As the years went on, I felt a special calling to children who have never had the opportunity to belong to a church at all. During my college years I worked with a program for disadvantaged kids, and loved the opportunity to love them; I was the only Jesus some of the children or parents would ever see.

Upon graduating, I've had several opportunities to teach preschoolers, as an up-front Christian, but outside of a church setting. The problem is that my two wonderful parents, who are also in full-time ministry, are a little anxious about my moving out of state so soon. I think that they also suspect that I am taking an easy way out of my calling, because I am not planning to work in a church. They may also be worried because my boyfriend lives in the state I'll be moving to.

Through prayer, I am sure that the move is God's will for my life at this time. But how can I convince them of that? Is it even my place to do so? Should I leave that to God? What do you suggest?

Reply

One of the difficulties of writing this column is that I have to guess about the other side of the story. The longer I reflect on your letter, the less transparent it seems to be. I can picture two scenarios. Which one is true? I thought I knew when you first wrote, but now I'm not so sure.

Scenario #1 (the way you want me to see the picture). Your relationship with your parents has been good, but they are a little overprotective. Although the change in your understanding of your vocation seems abrupt to them, actually it has developed gradually, over a period of several years. It's true that your boyfriend lives in the state where your new job would be located, but you haven't angled for things to work out that way; they just have. Your parents are finding it a little hard to get used to your being grown up.

Scenario #2 (the way you don't want me to see the picture). Your parents fully accept the fact that you have grown up, but viewing them as overprotective helps you to dismiss their legitimate concerns. You have known for years that Christ calls you to a church-based ministry. Suddenly, because you want to be near your boyfriend, you are trying to convince yourself that He has an entirely different plan for you. You are fooling yourself about your motives, and when you pray, you are calling your own strong desires the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

This much, at least, is plain: You have come of age, and the final responsibility for the decision is yours. So, if you are completely convinced that Scenario #1 is the true one, that the move is God's will for you, and that you are not evading your calling in order to be near your boyfriend, then I think you should be gentle but firm with your parents, proceed with your plans, and trust that your parents will "come around" in time. The very fact that you do proceed may nudge them into recognizing that you have entered a new stage of life and that the relationship between you must now change. But you had better first make sure that you are not playing a fast one on yourself. If the truth lies in Scenario #2, then your evasion of your calling will only become more plain with time, and will grieve not only your parents but the Lord.

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

SCANDALOUS

Dear Professor Theophilus:

In "Is Life Stranger Than Fiction?" you mentioned that supposed manifestation gifts should be tested against various standards, including whether they give the appearance of evil. I've heard lots of people say that the Bible tells us to avoid the appearance of evil. However, I have a couple of problems with this. I mean, did Jesus avoid the appearance of evil? He spent time with sinners, Samaritans, and tax collectors, right? He healed on the Sabbath. He forgave sins. He purged the Temple. The Pharisees saw all these acts as evil. Can you clear up my puzzle? Thanks for your work. I've really benefited from your monthly articles.

Reply

You raise a good question, and the issue has come up in other columns too. The old-fashioned word "scandal" means anything which might cause another person to slip; the classical example is something which gives the appearance of evil even though it may not be evil in itself. Although Scripture commands us to not to give scandal, this command has always been understood to mean that we should not give avoidable scandal, because Scripture also recognizes that we are not to blame for scandal we couldn't have helped. "[B]ut we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block [Greek, skandalon] to Jews and folly to Gentiles" (1 Corinthians 1:22). Some scandal arose unavoidably from Christ's very mission.

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

THE AUGUSTINIAN

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I'm currently a junior in college. For the last four years, I've been going back and forth between a pursuit of God, and a pursuit of pleasure. The typical American ideal of Christianity is starting to wear thin, and I feel like nothing short of a drastic change in my relationship with God will rectify the situation. What must I do to have a permanent walk with God? More accurately, what must be done to make my walk with God a fruitful one?

Reply

That's a good question, but it can't be answered in a brief column (or even in a lengthy column). What it needs is a conversation. I do think there are a couple of things you need to do, and I mean right away. There is no time to lose.

(1) Make up your mind once and for all which one you're going to pursue with all your heart — God or pleasure — because God makes no guarantee that He will show the riches of His love to those who aren't sure whether they want it.

(2) Realize that following Christ is more like joining the Marines than like going to summer camp. It's about joy, yes, but it's also about blood and tears.

(3) Get back into regular Christian fellowship, not only on campus, but also with a real church.

(4) Form a relationship with a mature Christian mentor, or accountability group, of the same sex.

(5) Get rid of the empty idea that it's even possible to have enduring pleasure apart from the One who created it.

(6) Stop blaming the Church — which, after all, is made up of sinners just like you — for your own inability to make up your mind.

(7) Pray like crazy.

You remind me of St. Augustine before his conversion, who prayed to God "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet." Some seekers need gentle encouragement. You need something more like a kick in the pants, don't you think? Now, really, don't you?

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

I TRIED TO STRETCH

Dear Editor,

Some time ago Theo wrote an article called "Taking Things Seriously". The first topic was "Does It Matter Who You Live With?", and I just would like to comment on a few things.

For a year I shared an apartment with a guy who was a year older than me. He was a man of strong principles and very decent nature. He wasn't a Christian, though, and he sometimes surprised me by his values. Although we were close, we never had sex or any sexual attraction or play. But there is a lot of truth in what Theo said. While there might be a chance that no sex occurs, the real downfall is the compromising of principles. Slowly, I began to let my boundaries down. I began to see no wrong in foreplay and petting. He brought home sexual comics and magazines, and although I didn't read them, that sort of thing puts questions and doubts in your mind that you don't need. Although he didn't make advances, the way he thought and lived his life did. He started a relationship with a woman and she came over to our place a couple of times. Needless to say I was uncomfortable about what went on, but tried to stretch what I believed. I thought I could uphold strong principles despite such temptation — especially because I was in a relationship too, and it was chaste. But we are people with sexual emotions, and certain things trigger them. My walk with God deteriorated to the point that today, I find it difficult. Note to Theo: thanks!

Reply

You're welcome! Thanks for writing. You've probably convinced a lot of readers whom I failed to reach. Just one thing: The guy's decency and principles couldn't have been as high as you thought, or he wouldn't have behaved in the ways that he did.

SECRET MARRIAGE?

Dear Professor Theophilus,

I'm about to go to college, but there are some blatant problems. You see, I'm married. I haven't been for long, but they have been the happiest and most painful months of my life. We were married secretly, basically Quaker fashion, as we would have preferred even had we been free to marry publicly. Very few people know. It gets harder every day to keep the secret, but it also gets more necessary. I have no idea what his father would do if he knew. But I suspect we're about to find out. He hung up on me when I called to speak with my husband. He's not a kind man. He might do everything in his power to keep us apart. We couldn't allow that, but what could we do? My husband has one year of high school to finish and then we have to go through college. Trust me, finances are not a concern, but where and how are we to live? This is tearing me apart. I would advise no one to do this, never. The secrecy eats at you.

If his father tries to keep us apart, we will go to the county clerks and get a marriage license. I'm resigned to the fact that life will be twice as difficult as I might have imagined, but I will not sacrifice my marriage on the whims of a cruel and fickle man! What will we do? Morally, are we right to insist upon our marriage?

Reply

Forgive me, but in my considered judgement you are not really married — certainly not in the Christian sense, and apparently not in the legal sense either. Christian marriage is a covenant between the parties, in the sight of God, and normally in the presence of the community of the faithful, as witnesses. Witnesses aren't just an extra, like cake. They are involved because Christianity is not a solitary faith. It is a faith lived out in the body of Christ, a community of people who are accountable to each other. You know, the witnesses too make a covenant — a covenant to hold the spouses to their vows. Besides, vows which the community has not witnessed are an invitation to abuse and evasion. "You promised!" "Who says I did?"

Have you read Matthew 10:32-33? If you haven't, read it now. Jesus implies that a person who is unwilling to acknowledge Him "before men" has not really acknowledged him at all. I think it is the same with marriage. If the spouses will not acknowledge each other "before men," then they are not really married at all. What has really happened, then, is that you and the young man have begun a dishonest and illicit relationship with each other and justified it to yourselves by calling it a marriage.

People pretend to themselves that they are married for various reasons. One common motive is sexual. Another common motive is manipulation — for example, you might be using the fiction of a marriage (yes, I know you are desperately trying to believe in it too) in an attempt to hold onto the young man's loyalty during the coming year when you will be a freshman in college, he still a senior in high school. In any case, there is no good reason for secrecy and deception. No wonder you are unhappy.

Come clean to your families about what you have done, and seek counsel from your ministers. If you still want to get married later, of course you can do so — once you both reach the age of majority, the law will not prevent you — but don’t even think of entering marriage until you are ready to undertake all of its conditions and responsibilities, including acknowledging each other "before men."

I know these are hard words. Believe me that they are written in love.

Grace and peace, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

If you have questions you’d like to Ask Theo, send us an e-mail and we'll pass it along to him.