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by J. Budziszewski
This article is a sequel to two previous
"Office Hours" columns,
"The Live
One" and "The Live One:
Part 2." Like all Office Hours columns, these are works of fiction, although they are influenced by real-life conversations under similar circumstances.
EDWARD
I was reading my email. Dawn that day had
been spectacular, with clouds like embers of
coal. "Red sky at morning, sailors take
warning." But the day had been pleasant and I
wasn't expecting a storm. I'd finished teaching
my morning classes. In another half-hour, my
office hours would be finished. By that time
Abigail should show up — my wife. I had
promised to take her to lunch. Leaning back in
my chair, I clicked open the next message.
To:
theophilus@posteverything.state.edu
From: mackerel@fish.net
Subject: Thank you
Dear Professor Theophilus:
You may not remember me. We met briefly
last year when I brought my brother Richard to
the crisis pregnancy center. My name is
Edward Tshuv.
I did remember him. I sat up straighter.
I want to thank you for what
you did for Richard. He's a different person
these days. I don't just mean that he isn't
depressed. His outlook on life has changed.
The whole family has been influenced for the
better.
By the way, he graduated, he landed a good
job, and he's engaged to a nice Christian girl.
(Not Cindy. After the abortion their relationship
stopped working for some reason, and she
called it off. I've heard she isn't doing very
well.)
I recalled how lost Richard had felt because
Cindy couldn't understand why he was
distressed. Later, some weeks into
counseling, he confided that he was finding it
difficult to trust "certain people" any more, and
when I asked who, he included her.
Relationships usually do break up after
abortions.
But that's not why I'm writing.
I also want to thank you for what you did for
me. I mean what you did for me indirectly, by
helping Richard. Let me explain that I've
always liked playing big brother to him, and I
always thought I could fix things. I loaned
Richard and Cindy the money for the abortion,
and when he started falling apart, I told him he
hadn't done anything wrong. Instead of fixing
things, I made them worse.
When Richard first started getting better, I
was glad, but the reason he was getting better
made me uncomfortable. The more he
admitted his sin and came to terms with God,
the better he got. But if all those things about
God and sin were true, then I’d screwed up.
He never said a word of blame, but he didn't
have to. It was just like in the story. The
prodigal son comes back, the older brother
gets out of joint. For a long time I was pretty
cool toward him.
I don't know whether you said anything to him
about how to talk with me. . . .
I hadn't.
. . . but he wore me down
with his patience. Eventually I realized a few
things. To make a long story short, I've given
up trying to fix things. I've also given up trying
to do without Christ. Richard gave up first, so
for once, he gets to be the big brother.
I put off writing you about these things, but I
thought you deserved to know.
Sincerely,
Edward Tshuv
So that was what happened to Edward.
Thinking of Psalm 136, I let out a long breath
of thanks. "His mercy endureth forever."
So, apparently, does His sense of timing. The
motto about red sky at morning chose that
moment to come true.
CINDY
Just as I was about to reply to Edward's note,
the thunderhead moved across my doorway. I
sensed it before I heard it.
"So you're the son of a b____ who ruined my
life."
I stared at the girl. Her pupils were so dilated
that her eyes looked almost black. I wasn't
sure whether it was drugs or hatred. Hatred is
a kind of drug too.
"I wanted to see the son of a b____ for
myself."
"Be my guest," I said.
"Funny man. You're such a son of a b____ that
you don't even know what a son of a b____
you are."
"Why don't you sit down and tell me?" She sat
and crossed her legs. Her eyes roamed the
room, taking it in with distaste.
A student walked slowly past the doorway,
making a show of indifference.
"How did I ruin your life?"
"Don't you know? Oh, I forgot. You don't bother
to learn things about the people whose lives
you ruin. You son of a — "
"Of a b____, yes," I said. "That's established.
Who are you?"
"Of course you wouldn't know. You've talked
about me and warned people against me, but
you don't know who I am."
"Do you have a name?"
She seemed to consider whether to tell me.
"Cindy the whore. According to you." Playing a
role, she took out a compact and lipstick and
applied it. "Richard told you aaaall
about me. And you told him what he should
think. I know all about your nice,
Christian conversations."
"Cindy, that's not how it was. I can't discuss
my conversations with other people, but — "
She gave a short, bitter laugh.
"But I've never been a party to a conversation
that ran you down, and I wouldn't be. I haven't
warned anyone against you. In fact I've never
said a word about you. I'm truly sorry that the
two of you broke up."
She pursed her lips in her mirror. "That might
even be true. It doesn't change anything. You
still ruined my life."
"How do you figure that?"
Another student walked slowly past the
doorway, going in the other direction. We must
have been quite a show.
She tilted the compact and turned her head
this way and that. "You broke us up. Richard
was just fine. Or he would have been. He was
a little upset, that's all. Then you filled his head
with how we'd killed a baby, and turned him
into a basket case."
That was all wrong, but she had me at a
disadvantage. I couldn't tell her that Richard
had already convicted himself of killing his
child before meeting me. I couldn't tell her that
he’d wanted to commit suicide to atone for it. I
couldn't tell her what our conversations had
really been about.
She pressed her lips together to make the
lipstick even. "He never said what he was
thinking, but he wouldn't touch me any more.
And every time he looked at me, I knew."
"Knew what?"
"He was thinking, ‘There's the whore that got
pure, virginal me into bed. There's the b____
who killed my child and made me go along.’
Well, you got your way."
She snapped her compact shut. "I have to go.
But I wanted you to know what you'd done to
me."
"I have something to say, if you’ll listen."
She put on a look of innocent, wide-eyed
attention and kissed the air at me. "All right,
darling, but don't be long saying it. I have to go
turn some tricks and kill some babies."
It would have been a good act if she hadn’t
been shaking.
"It won’t take long,” I said. "Cindy, you're
putting terrible words about yourself in other
people's mouths, and terrible thoughts about
yourself in other people's minds. But you're
the one saying and thinking these things, and
you can't endure them. Don't you see? That's
why you put them off onto other people. It's not
going to make the pain go away. You have to
stop."
Very deliberately, Cindy put away her lipstick
and compact. She stood up. She slapped me
as hard as she could. And she burst into
hysterical sobs.
ABIGAIL
I was picking up my glasses when Abby swept
into the room like the cavalry. It was as though
she had beamed down from outer space. One
moment she wasn't there, the next moment
she was saying "There, there, has someone
been mean to you?" — Cindy leaning against
her shoulder, sobbing and indicating me.
I felt an impulse to speak, but stifled it.
Sometimes I think that I understand events. I
knew I didn't understand this one. And I've
never been so delusional as to think I
understand women.
"Did he give you a bad grade?"
Cindy shook her head and uttered some
unintelligible words.
"Did he call you names?"
Another shake. More words.
"Is he just horrid?"
Redoubled sobs. A nod.
I cleared my throat. Abby made a warning face
over Cindy's shoulder, minutely shook her
head, and waved a hand as though to say
"Shoo." She was right. My office was rapidly
becoming no place for a man.
Glancing at the computer screen to make sure
I had cleared Edward's message, I grabbed
my coffee mug and made my escape,
surprising three lurkers in the hallway.
"Show's over," I said. "Scram." They fluttered
away like startled birds.
I was pretty sure Abby knew what she was
doing.
I hoped she did.
If you have questions you’d like to Ask Theo,
send us an email and we'll pass it along to him.
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