As Steve Watters pointed out in his article “Why College Men Aren’t Ready to Marry,” the average age for marriage — for both men and women — has risen significantly since the middle of the last century. Is this a positive sign? Should we be glad that most college women aren’t ready — or at least don’t think they’re ready — for marriage?

Many people would say so. In a culture where a significant portion of the current adult population hasn’t been able to make a marriage last, it seems best to proceed with caution. The assumption is that that the longer you wait to get married, the more ready you will be — emotionally, financially, spiritually — to build a lasting marriage when the time comes.

And in the television shows and movies we watch, the characters enjoy lives of “freedom” — living together in Manhattan high-rises and sleeping around, all while pursuing their exciting careers for years before settling down. Given the alternatives presented in popular entertainment, why would a woman want to get married in her early 20s?

The Search for Self

The reason I hear most often for why young women aren’t ready for marriage is that we need an extended period of independence to “discover ourselves.” When I was married, at age 19, several friends and relatives voiced their sincere concerns about my readiness. They wondered: Did I really know who I was?

At the time, I shrugged off such concerns — Of course I know who I am! What’s that supposed to mean? Now that I’ve been married for a couple years, I can see that I’ve learned a great deal about who I am — because of marriage, not in spite of it.

I don’t think we can “discover ourselves” alone. We most clearly realize who we are as individuals by living in community with others. Adam discovered himself when he looked into Eve’s eyes for the first time — he realized, “This is flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones!” Many people have commented that marriage is a mirror; your spouse and your children reveal to you who you are in ways you would never have seen otherwise. (Not that spouses and kids are the only means for personal growth — siblings, parents, and even college roommates are all instruments God uses for our fine-tuning.)

College and Careerism

A second common reason I hear for delaying marriage is that college women need to focus first and foremost on getting a degree and pursuing a career. For many young women, “The Degree” and “The Career” have become idols. They are to be pursued at all costs — even the cost of delaying marriage and putting off children indefinitely. After all, this is what we’ve been preparing for since the days of AP Algebra and the ACT.

Often, there is pressure from parents, relatives, and teachers to continue on this path. But what message is this sending? Money seems to have become more of a priority than relationships. It sounds crass to put it that way, which is why most people don’t — they cloak it in terms of “financial stability” or “career opportunity.” But these are ultimately self-based goals, and they are somewhat illusory to boot — there is no true stability outside of God. If your career or finances are taken away, what are you left with? Him, and the tangible assurance of Him that our intimacy with others provides us with.

Don’t get me wrong — degrees and careers can be worthy goals. But neither are holy things, the way getting married and having children are. If the opportunity arises for a young woman to marry, she should stop and ponder what a gift God is offering her — even if it “interferes” with school or work.

Real Reasons

If enjoying your independence, discovering yourself, getting a degree, and pursuing a career aren’t real obstacles to marriage — are there any obstacles? Why aren’t most college women ready for marriage? Here might be a few reasons.

First, many young women today haven’t grown up surrounded by examples of what lasting, holy marriages look like. Even those of us whose parents have managed to keep their marriage together don’t have to look very far into the extended family tree to find broken branches hanging. Many young women are struggling to heal from their parents’ divorces, which can result in a lack of trust towards men and a fear of commitment. It may take them more time before they can healthily enter into marriage.

Second, we have soaked up so many lies from our popular culture that it takes time to unlearn them. For example, one that’s repeated in almost every movie and TV show is that sharing intimacies with a succession of men will not affect your ability to eventually achieve pure and everlasting love with “the One.” Another is the love-at-first-sight lie: that your marriage must be based on a “love” so strong it makes you want to hop into bed with your future spouse the moment your eyes meet.

There’s an assumption that you really can’t “fall” in love with someone who isn’t as good-looking as the movie stars we’ve had unrealistically shaping our ideals since puberty. I struggled with this when I was beginning to get to know my future husband — my feelings started off comfortably, not ravishingly, and I wondered if I “liked” him strongly enough. As we slowly unfolded our souls to each other, the embers began to smolder — and I realized that the “love” portrayed on screen has all the brilliance and staying power of a 4th of July sparkler.

Ready or Not

Finally, the main reason I think college women in general aren’t ready for marriage is that they haven’t been taught one key thing: Marriage is hard work. You and Prince Charming will spend a lot more time scrubbing the floors of your souls together than dancing through the clouds. It’s an intense opportunity to work towards selflessness, so that you become increasingly unified with your spouse and with Christ.

Kids are an important part of the package, for the same reasons. They are an external project that you and your spouse must work on together; and they chip away, as nothing else can, at the combined selfishness that inevitably surfaces when two fallen humans become one flesh.

The failure to understand this has had a detrimental affect on society as a whole. When most people enter marriage thinking it exists for the sake of “self-fulfillment,” it’s not surprising that divorce rates have skyrocketed over the last 50 years (at the same time the number of children per family has plummeted).

If college women learn the truth about what marriage entails, I believe they can rise to the occasion. A young woman may never quite “feel ready” for marriage, but if she prepares herself for the sacrifices ahead, she’ll be as ready as she’ll ever be.