EMBARRASSED

Dear Professor Theophilus:

This is a very hard subject, and I've been debating whether I should ask your opinion. Actually I'm quite embarrassed about it. So here I go. My question is on masturbation. I know it's wrong. I used to do it all the time, but now only once in a while. Except for that, my life seems to be on track. I've prayed about stopping, but it doesn't work. What do you think? I know this is a weird e-mail, but I had to write. Thanks.

Reply:

There's nothing weird about your email message. Lots of men have this problem. (For that matter, so do lots of women, although you hear a lot less about that.) The subject isn't really hard, either. Masturbation is wrong because it goes against what the sexual powers were designed for, because it is inseparable from illicit fantasies, because these fantasies take on a life of their own, and because it draws the erotic longing backward into Self instead of outward. It doesn't "release" lust, but reinforces it, so that next time the temptation is stronger yet. The hard thing, most people find, isn't figuring out that they ought to stop, but stopping. (It's also hard to ask for help — that takes courage).

Stopping takes sustained discipline over a long, long time, and even then it isn't easy (as you've discovered). But there are things you can do to make stopping easier. For example, you can learn to identify the sorts of situations that tempt you to relapse, and avoid them. For some men this may mean something as simple as avoiding long, warm baths, not looking at certain kinds of pictures, or getting up as soon as you wake up, rather than lazing in bed. Another thing you should do is learn to recognize the excuses you make for yourself when you're about to give in, so that the moment you begin to make an excuse, you can catch yourself in the act and firmly say to yourself, "No." I don't think you can force an unwanted thought out of your mind, but if an unwanted thought comes around and murmurs to you, you don't have to listen. Eventually it will wander back out.

Don't be cast down. Try not to fall, but if you fall, repent and get up. If you fall again, repent again. Your frustration with your failures is the sign that God is helping you. If he weren't helping you, you wouldn't care.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

I'M TIRED OF THIS

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I know you've addressed porn and lust in general, but my case is more complicated. The thing that plagues my soul is that I find myself aroused by images of other men. This has been plain to me for about two to two and a half years, and I don't know much about fighting it. There aren't as many "come out of homosexuality" books as there are "dating tips" books. You see, topics like "wait until marriage" are always being thrown about by speakers and friends and Bible study leaders I know, but the possibility of homosexual attractions is never addressed. I feel so alone, and I don't know how exactly to seek help. I've been putting up an exhausting front for some time; I'm afraid my friends will not understand, that others will find out, and that I will be destroyed. I've been depressed and irritable for the last few months, and I believe that my disgusting secret has kept me from establishing real bonds with people on campus and connecting within our Christian fellowship, as my other friends have. I feel sick and dirty, and I'm tired of this.

I haven't looked at internet porn or masturbated for at least two weeks now, but I feel a tremendous burden on my heart. I pray to God to give me strength to persevere. Oftentimes my eyes just water up for no reason (well, for some reason) because I am hurting so much inside. It's not healthy that I bottle it all up, but I don't know what to do. I am going to look for a Christian therapist probably, but I can't bring myself to explain my struggle to others, especially my best friend who I've always bantered with about "girls and all the mysteries of their existence." I really feel that I have been living such a lie that those who know me will desert me. Please direct me to a source of help with this, because I'm finally realizing that now, midway through my college years, this can't continue any longer. Thank you for your help, and your prayers, if you would pray for me. May God continue to bless your online ministry.

Reply:

I know these unwanted feelings are a great burden to you, but I have good news: There is a lot more help available than you think, and much, much more than there used to be. You are not alone, and you might be surprised how many letters I receive about it. In fact, if you use the “Search” feature at the Boundless homepage, you can find those of previous Office Hours and Ask Theophilus columns which have dealt with the subject.

I suggest that you get in touch with Exodus International, the umbrella organization for Christian ministries devoted to helping people find relief from same-sex attractions. Exodus has a lot of experience, and can refer you to groups that meet in your area, to resources that you can read, and finally to Christian counselors who understand problems like yours and who can help you. To visit the Exodus website, click here.

Another thing that may be helpful — at least indirectly — is to reach an understanding of what may be at the root of these unwanted desires. Often their origins lie in difficulties in the early relationship between a young man and his father. If you would find this kind of information helpful, then I can also recommend the Web site of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. NARTH is not a Christian organization, but it's Christian-friendly, and some of the members are Christians. To visit the NARTH website, click here.

Chiefly I want to encourage you to do what is necessary to get help — even though it will mean telling your story, whether to a therapist or to an Exodus-affiliated self-help group. Some of my friends who have escaped from same-sex attractions have told me that they had the blessing of belonging to churches which understood, encouraged, and supported them in their efforts to find real change. Not all churches are like that — but some certainly are, and I think that understanding of the issue is growing among Evangelical churches.

Take courage! God, who is your Father, Christ, who is your Brother, and the Holy Spirit love you greatly, and they will support your growth into the man they have planned for you to become. I'll pray for you too.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

OK, I'M OUT OF IT — WHAT NOW?

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I'm a college sophomore. Like others who have written to you, I suffered form a porn addiction for long time. With prayer and help from some good accountability buddies I've broken free. It's not like I never have temptation anymore, but ever since I started in the group I've stood strong, and it's getting progressively easier for me. Now comes the problem. I'm worried that my old habits are going to make it difficult to have a normal romantic relationship now. Just recently, in a very awkward conversation, a good friend of mine announced that she was romantically interested in me. I was shocked, flattered and turned on my head, but had to admit that I didn't feel the same way. We prayed together for guidance, then parted. Later we agreed to remain "just" friends.

That got me thinking. When I had that conversation I felt not only unready for a romantic relationship with her, but unready for any romantic relationship at all. I still feel like I'm rebuilding from my past struggles, getting back on track.

I've got a lot of female friends, so it's not like I have big problems with women in general. I'm just really wondering when it's been long enough for me to start dating. How much transition time is enough? I feel like I've come out of a big valley, but I don't feel ready to climb any mountains yet.

Reply:

Your main question is how long you should wait after escaping from your pornography compulsion before beginning to date again. I don't know enough to give you a complete answer, because you haven't told me in what way the old compulsion may have compromised your previous friendships with girls. It would also be good to know just what you're afraid might happen if you go back to dating too soon. So you may want to write again.

In the meantime, since right now you feel neither the desire nor the readiness to date, why force it? Romance isn't a prerequisite for normal life. Every single goes through periods when he has no romantic interest; some singles are even called by God to remain single for life. So there is no need whatsoever to force a romantic interest that isn't there. If at some time in the future your desire for romance returns, but you still don't feel ready, then you will have to decide whether the feeling of unreadiness is reasonable or groundless. But there is no need to worry about a decision that you aren't yet called upon to make.

But here's something else to consider. You say that you have lots of good female friends. If you spend time with them, then it seems to me that you are dating. For example, suppose you and a female friend see a movie or have a meal together. I call that a date. There doesn't have to be romantic attraction for it to be a date; it still won't be like seeing a movie or having a meal with a guy! Besides, romantic attraction might pop out of the corner and surprise you. I speak from experience. Once upon a time I spent many months "not dating" the young woman who later became my wife, before discovering that I was crazy about her.

People are so reluctant to call dates "dates" these days. One reason is probably to escape from pressure for sex; in a deranged society like ours, as soon as you admit that you're having a date, the other party may expect you to begin foreplay. But it ought to be possible to date chastely.

One more point. You mention that when the young woman friend expressed romantic interest which you couldn't return, the two of you prayed about it together. Big mistake. It was wise to pray about it, but you should have done so when you were by yourself, and without mentioning it to her. Centuries of experience show that praying with a person of the opposite sex can itself arouse strong romantic feelings. This makes it difficult to tell the difference between the still, small voice of God, and the gurgle and swoosh of the endocrine system — and even if the experience didn't have that effect on you, it may still have had that it on her. A married man and woman can pray by themselves together safely, but when unmarried male and female friends pray together, they are wiser to do so in groups.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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