Knowing that Americans watch an average of four hours of TV per day, let's take a huge leap of faith and assume our fellow citizens can tell the difference between reality and fantasy. For those who can't distinguish between the two, let's grab a Webster's for some help:

Reality: Not artificial, fraudulent, or illusory; genuine; a fact

Fantasy: Imaginative fiction featuring strange settings and grotesque character

You tell me. Are the shows being paraded in front of us each night reality or fantasy? Another definition I found of fantasy was "the process of creating unrealistic or improbable images." It's not only fantasy we are being fed, it's a whole dream world!

Enough sermonizing, let's find out what these four "must see" shows are! First things first, though. I need to make sure all of my living room furniture is appropriately arranged around the real American Idol, my wide screen TV. After setting myself in the big chair in the middle, I use my left hand to reach for the holy book of this pleasurable pursuit: my TV guide. That, of course, frees up my right hand to cradle "my baby," the ultra-light, quick-touch remote control I bought with three easy payments after seeing it on a late night (you guessed it) TV infomercial. It's hard to be humble, but if remotes were like guns in the old West, I could outdraw anyone!

International death and disease is looming abroad, but at least we know that all is well here in TV land. The little screen (boy, is it getting bigger and bigger) is bringing such joy and meaning into our drab and dull existence. And tonight is the mother of all TV watchers' nights. I can't wait! It's a TV addict's dream. If only I had multiple screens where I could watch all the programs at once. I'm just thankful my remote allows me to instantaneously move from one channel to the next. Here's the lineup:

1. Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People

USA Today calls it "a swimsuit competition where the only talent needed to win $50,000 is the ability to turn around." The judges use a green laser pointer, called a "flaw finder," to point out (what they deem) imperfect body parts to the contestant . . . and to the 20 million discerning viewers. I'm sure that most of those 20 million are pre-med students, forcing themselves to watch in order to better understand human anatomy. Executive Director Mike Fleiss, with such in-depth shows as The Bachelor and The Bachelorette to his credit, says that even he has to admit that "this is the most superficial show in TV history." Fleiss says he tries to accomplish four things in his shows: sex appeal, fantasy fulfillment, an elimination process, and . . . humiliation. Mission accomplished, Mike!

2. Survivor: Men vs. Women in the Amazon

Now the battle of the sexes goes to the Brazilian jungle to duke it out, for this, the sixth edition of Survivor. The 16 players are divided into the all female Jaburu tribe and the all male Tambaqui tribe. (With all the estrogen and testosterone flying around, we'll be fortunate to survive this series ourselves.) Survivor creator Mark Burnett thinks he knows the reason there's never been a love connection on their show: "Probably because they're completely smelly and, besides, who wants to make out with someone who hasn't brushed their teeth in a month?" Host Jeff Probst adds a pleasant thought as to why he thinks none of the contestants have ever found true love: "When you're not eating, you're throwing up!" If these descriptions of the show don't draw you in, then surely the anacondas, crocodiles, and piranhas will.

3. Married by America

From the creators of Joe Millionaire comes another fascinating tale sure to stimulate meaningful conversation in the cafeteria lines. Two single men and two single women, with the help of relationship experts, will have five potential mates selected for each of them. Family and friends will also get involved in the process, but ultimately the show trusts us — the viewing public — to vote on and decide which couples make the perfect match. One small detail: considering the astronomical divorce rate in this country, do these "marriages" have a snowball's chance in, uh, Miami to make it past the back doors of the TV studios? Why not give it a try, though? Just because they haven't found that special someone in their years of bar hopping and Internet chat rooms doesn't mean they can't find them on national TV.

4. World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown!

Last but not least is the one reality show that has stood the test of time. This venue is not like the others. No, this is no Johnny-come-lately fad that comes and goes within a month. Not only that, but tonight's installment is the WWE World Championship match (the third one this week!) where Hulk Hogan (the old guy on steroids) returns to answer the taunts of The Rock (the young guy on steroids). I've been watching this stuff since I was a kid, and I'm telling you they're bleedin' real blood and smashin' real chairs. This is no fantasy! You gotta take my word for it. For this Smackdown, I've even brought out all my WWE action figures one last time before I E-Bay them all.

All four shows. All one night. This is all so overwhelming, I'm getting a little emotional. Sex, greed, gambling, and violence. What more can you ask for?!

OK, OK, I know the Bible doesn't seem to condone some of these attitudes and actions, but can't we have just a little fun? TV is simply a reflection of our nation's values, right? You don't think it actually plays a part in shaping our thoughts or priorities, do you? Besides, I know it won't affect me. I've been a Christian my whole life and the two or three minutes I spend reading my Bible each day far outweighs any influence watching four or five hours of TV might have on me.

I can't understand why Robert Bianco of USA Today's Critic's Corner describes one of these shows like this: "It's a degrading, cut rate beauty contest that is about as vile a piece of televised sleaze as you're likely to find. It could have been merely harmless, if extraordinarily shallow, but fun turns into humiliation as the judges try to 'out Simon' [American Idol's] Simon Cowell. Some will think it's funny. It's not. It's heartless, cruel, and in every sense indecent."

But just in case what he says has any truth to it, I have established a strong accountability safeguard for myself. To make sure that all these shows have absolutely no influence on me, I have cross stitched a verse of Scripture, framed it, and put it right above my TV cable box to review each night before all the prime time shows come on. Here it is:

Don't let the world around you squeeze you into it's own mold, but let God re-mold your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good. . . .

— Romans 12:2 (J.B. Phillips Translation)

I admit it. Deep down, I know that the Bible, not television, should be our constant companion, and the thing that molds our minds. These "reality" TV programs are really just fantasy. Feeling a little guilty after a whole night of watching these shows, I blurted out in the presence of a friend, "What's the world coming to?!" He calmly turned to me without any expression and said, "An end."

"In the meantime," he added, "most people are grabbing onto any shred of fantasy or fulfillment this side of eternity. We don't want it to end. We want our little play world to go on and on."

It was only 1 a.m. (and the night was still young), but my friend flipped off the TV, looked at me and said, "Truth is, we are just passing through. This life is a testing ground. Heaven is reality — forever living in the presence of the One who made us. He alone defines and consummates all of reality. He laughs — and cries — at our pitiful little attempts to find meaning outside of Him."

His words really impacted me. I may have even shed a tear. But before I could get too convicted, my left hand (with my TV guide in it) started to twitch uncontrollably. It then began sending urgent messages to my right hand (clutching my quick draw remote) commanding it to do a little channel surfing. Unbelievable, but true, and just in the nick of time, I was able to peruse and choose from these mouth-watering options:

— The Pulse: Real Life Internet Dating Stories
— I'm a Celebrity — Get Me Out of Here!
— Scare Tactics
— The Bachelor 3
— Extreme Makeover
— and my personal favorite: Elimidate

Man, I'm like a kid in a candy store! Is this a great country, or what?

Editor’s Note: We have had to sternly warn the List Guy due to the nature of this article. In a willful effort to commit satire, he purposely implied that he had spent time actually watching these TV shows when, in fact, he had never even seen one of them. We apologize and will keep a closer eye on him in the future. (And that'll be a full-time job.)