DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
There is a guy in my church that everyone says is right for
me. I totally agree, except we aren't dating officially. We hang
out together and have a great time. So many people are talking
about us like we're dating, but he hasn't asked me yet. I don't
know what to say to people when they ask me about "us." It's
hard to admit to them that we're not dating when they all
assume we are. I've heard from several people about third-hand
conversations that are going around about us. Some are
referring to him as my husband, and I don't know what to say
when this happens. What can I do to let him know that I'm
interested in a relationship? I've always thought that it's the guy
who's supposed to do the asking, but I'm not sure.
REPLY
There's a new article on Boundless that may help you figure
out what your male friend is thinking. It's called "Not Your Buddy".
In addition to the great advice Suzanne gives, I can say with
confidence that the best way to motivate your male friend to
"make things official" is to back off from spending so much time
with him. If everyone thinks you're dating, then you're probably
acting like you are. But by giving him so much access to your
time, affection and intimate friendship — without
requiring any commitment on his part — you're removing
all the incentives for him to be forthright about his intentions.
You're right, it is the guy who's supposed to do the asking
— don't violate your instincts on this one. By giving him
less attention you may actually create the circumstances that will
embolden him to act honorably toward you.
And if he doesn't, you've saved yourself from any more
wasted time with a guy whose behavior indicates he's not
interested in moving your friendship toward marriage.
Be strong and courageous,
Candice Watters
* * *
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
How and when is it appropriate for girls to make the first
move in beginning a relationship or even a friendship with a
guy? I recently met this guy when my family and his family got
together for dinner one evening. Our moms work together and
they thought it was a good way for us to meet. Although we did
not have a lot of time to talk one-on-one, I left feeling attracted
to him and would like to get to know him better. His mom and
my family also felt like he was interested in me. He has my email
address and his parents have encouraged him to write to me; he
has not. Now his mom is suggesting that I write to him to get a
friendship started. This goes against everything I ever believed
about men initiating relationships, but do you think it is so bad
if I initiate a friendship and see what happens from there? Also,
do you know why men act so passive in these situations and is
this just adding to the problem by allowing him to remain
passive?
REPLY
I think you should trust your gut. Despite all the
encouragement this guy has received to pursue you, for some
reason, he hasn't. He may be shy. But he may not be interested.
For you to initiate out of impatience is likely to send him running
the other way. Email is a low-risk way to start a friendship and
the fact that he hasn't — even though he knows you'd be
open to it — suggests to me that he's not interested. The
fact that his mom "felt he was interested in you" is not really
much to go on, seeing as a man's heart is deep waters.
I know it's frustrating to feel like there's nothing you can do.
But you can pray and you can go about the life God has given
you; living to the full. This young man may observe you being
(truly) content and find your confidence attractive (assuming it's
genuine). That's always a possibility. What's nearly certain is that
if you're the first one out of the gate toward a romantic
relationship, you'll either scare him off or attract him in a way
that only encourages his passivity.
Stay Strong,
Candice Watters
* * *
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I am 25. I go to a fairly small church and have a small group
of friends there I hang out with-a young married couple, a girl
friend (let's call her Sarah), and a guy friend (let's call him Rob).
The problem is that I have feelings for Rob but I think Sarah
does, too. She said once that she's thought about dating him.
I'm not sure how Rob feels. He might like Sarah as more than I
friend. Should I wait around for Rob? Sarah plans to leave the
country in a few months, and our married friends are also
moving. It's going to be basically me and Rob for single people
in the church. I don't think I could be bold enough to tell Rob
how I feel, and I don't want to hurt Sarah. I feel subversive. What,
if anything, should I do?
REPLY
If it were me, I'd start by praying for wisdom. Ask God to
guard your motives and help you be a genuine friend to both
Rob and Sarah — kindness is always the standard. Then
I'd stop talking about your feelings for Rob with Sarah. Be
discreet. And remember, in the end, it's Rob's decision that
matters — not which of you girls has the strongest
feelings for him. He may choose you. He may choose Sarah. Or
he may see both of you as friends and nothing more;
disappointing you both by eventually dating someone else.
As to whether you should leave your church simply because
Sarah's leaving the country and your married friends are moving,
I think you should reevaluate your understanding of what church
is for and your role in it. These articles are a good place to
start:
Finally, why would you run from a situation where finally
you and Rob are the only singles? It seems to me this would be
the most logical opportunity for Rob to assess his feelings for
you undistracted by Sarah's attention.
And as I've been telling all the readers who've written with
questions like yours, read Suzanne Hadley's article "Not Your
Buddy." It's a must for single women who see nothing wrong
with uncommitted intimate male friendships.
Blessings,
Candice Watters
* * *
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
How assertive should women be in the process of looking
for a mate? Proverbs does says that a man who find a wife finds
a good thing; why aren't more Christian men out there looking
for Christian wives?
REPLY
You've asked two doozies; both of which could benefit from
a whole column. I may do just that. But in the meantime, here
are some things to consider:
Assertion. Women should do what they can to meet
marriable men. I've talked about it at length in a previous week's Q&A and the article "Finding a Husband."
The key is to be intentional about looking and meeting.
Where women should not assert is in initiating and
pursuing. Like any dance well-executed, one partner leads and
the other follows. If you've ever tried to dance with a man and
you both try to lead, you know how quickly you both stumble.
Once you've met a man you'd like to date, then it's time to
exercise kindness, put your best foot forward in friendship, pray like crazy and maintain
good boundaries.
Now for your second question, why aren't the men looking?
Well, that's a complicated one. There's the problem of our
culture that glorifies extended adolescence and the "freedom" of
being single. Few, if any, examples exist that model healthy,
rewarding, Godly marriage. Then there's the lack of
encouragement and expectations from friends, parents and even
the church to marry well. Most guys simply haven't been told
that marriage is something they should pursue. Finally (keep in
mind this is the simplified list), most women in a guy's universe
are content to date recreationally and remain "just friends"
indefinitely.
It's not that men have changed — they've always
needed incentives to commit to one woman for life — but
the standards have been lowered. Until the women in a
community (church, university, office, peer group, etc.) band
together to raise a new standard of "no intimacy, friendship or
otherwise, without the commitment of serious dating toward
marriage," guys will settle for getting their needs met outside of
marriage.
The good news is that as single women, there are things
you and your friends can do — actions you can take
— that may improve your lot. Stop settling for friendships
that feel like dating relationships but aren't. Stop giving away
pieces of your heart without being asked. Stop being intimate
— physically or emotionally — when men who are
not your husband. Start insisting that to gain intimacy, men
must act honorably, state their intentions and initiate official
relationships with the goal being marriage.
I pray God will encourage you that there is much young
women can do to help the situation, and that He will give you
the wisdom to do it.
Blessings,
Candice Watters
* * *
If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions
that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for
clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the
Family.
