DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
How do I know whether she's the person I should
marry?
REPLY
Other than her willingness, it's a combination of things
— a little bit of art and a little bit of science. By that I
mean God will likely use two sources through which to
communicate to you about such a decision: your heart and your
head.
Your head helps you address the fairly obvious things, like,
are the two of you in sync on worldview and moral values? Do
you share compatible views on family and parenting? Are your
future dreams compatible? Do those who know you best, such as
family members or friends, have any serious reservations?
These are the kinds of questions a couple might encounter
in a pre-engagement class, which are becoming increasingly
more popular, and from my view, advisable. I realize that
relationship survey questions are about as romantic as, well, a
survey, but a little planning can go a long way to helping a
lifelong romance. If you're serious enough to be discussing
marriage with her, a formal way of addressing these important
topics needs to be in the mix.
Now a few thoughts on listening to your "heart." By "heart"
I'm not just referring to how you feel about her emotionally. I
assume you have strong feelings for her or we wouldn't be
having this dialogue. What I mean by "heart" is that intangible
"peace" that God gives us when our life or our individual
decisions are moving in accordance with His will. Paul describes
it as a feeling that "transcends understanding." The more we
engage the Scriptures and commune with God, the more
sensitive we are to His leadership, often in the form of that
inward "peace."
Pray over your relationship. Pray for God's will to be done in
her life and in yours, no matter what it is. And pray that you
would be sensitive to His voice. He will lead you in the right
direction. And if you're going the wrong direction, he will let you
know. Don't ignore the red flags (or even yellow flags) that He
may place in your way. By the way, Boundless recently addressed
listening to
God.
As for my own experience, I don't recall wondering whether
my wife-to-be was the person I should marry; all I knew is that I
wanted her to be! I was crazy about her. The more I got to know
her, the more painful it was to be apart from her. It wasn't long
into our relationship that I realized how difficult it would be to
picture my life without her. To put it simply, when we were
together, peace. When we were apart, no peace. Fortunately
— and this is key — she agreed, and the rest is,
well, you know.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
* * *
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
(Note: the following question was submitted by a female
reader)
I hear a lot of people use the phrase "marriable woman,"
and I wonder, from a guy's point of view, what constitutes a
"marriable woman"?
REPLY
If you're asking what a certain guy is looking for in a certain
girl, that's as varied as the guys who are out there (see my
compatibility diatribe above). But rather than try to decipher
what a specific guy constitutes as a "marriable woman," you
need to focus on what is godly womanhood — that's the
criteria that matters.
Getting your heart around that is not always easy
(Boundless Answers: Women columnist Candice Watters came
up with a great A-Z
checklist on
her blog), but I especially like the way John and Stasi Eldredge
have described her, Captivating. Put simply, her heart is
captivated by Christ, and as a result, she is a woman who is truly
captivating.
Yes, there are very practical things you can do to
communicate your interest and availability, but first and
foremost a guy wants a girl who is brimming with captivating,
God-given life ("Z" on Candice's list). Now that is a marriable
woman.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
* * *
If you have a question you'd like John to consider for
this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all
questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for
clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the
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