DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

REPLY

Dear Catherine,

Based on all I've read and written, I'm convinced that at this late stage learning patience should not be your goal. The average age for first marriages among women in the U.S. is currently 27. That's as high as it's ever been in history. So if marriage is your goal, I'd suggest you focus on it at least as much as you are your job and ongoing education. You say that "every once in a while" you wonder about God's will for you in dating and marriage. If you don't have the traits Jesus set forth in Matthew 19 that qualify and equip a believer for lifelong celibacy, then you can be confident His will for you is the same as it is for most believers: Get married and have children. I think too often we squander the decade of our 20s wondering if it's God's will for us to marry. The irony is that for the vast majority of us, He's already told us quite plainly that it is. (Genesis 2, 1 Corinthians 7, etc.)

God designed us to marry and start having children in our 20s. Our biology, fertility, sexuality, energy and beauty all reinforce that fact. Tragically, in our current culture, many women aren't realizing till their mid- to late-30s that their lack of intentionality (as well as a lack of initiative on the part of men) has consequences. For too many, a casual wait-and-see approach finds them missing out on marriage and children altogether.

It's time we stop wasting our most marriageable years wondering if we're meant for marriage and start doing what we can to get there. I'm not suggesting you find a guy and pop the question. And I'm not unaware that in this fallen world, some will remain single because of poor decisions on their part or the part of men who might have been their mates.

But I am encouraging young women to do what they can. That includes praying boldly, guarding your purity, not settling for buddy relationships with guys, developing your hobbies and seeking out mentors. For something as important as marriage it seems to me we ought to pour at least as must initiative and creativity into the process as we do our college degrees and careers.

Every blessing,
Candice Watters

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

My name is Kristal, and I'm 21. I am in college. I'm working very hard. I am pursuing a double major in electrical engineering and computer science. I get straight A's. I plan to go to graduate school when I finish with my bachelor's degrees to get a Ph.D. and become a college professor. Lately, though, I've thought that if I get married and have children (which I want SO MUCH), I would like to stay home with my children. And, the issue I'm wrestling with is, why try so hard to get such a great career if I'm just going to stay home? Why not just change to an easy major (and avoid graduate school)? But I think if I were to do that, I would be wasting the mind God gave me. Plus, I want to go to graduate school so that I can do cool research and the like one day. Do you see my conflict? Any advice?

REPLY

Dear Kristal,

Far better to count the cost of a demanding tenure track before you marry and have children than after. Many women have started down the grueling (yet rewarding) path of becoming a professor only to find their plans derailed when they wanted time off to have babies. As you can imagine, it's been the subject of much debate among academicians. I've seen articles about it in education publications as well as the Wall Street Journal.

The best advice I can give is to find a woman who is now where you want to be and ask her what it's like. How did she get there? What, if any, sacrifices did she make to achieve her goals? What did she do right? What would she do differently? It will be most beneficial if she is a believer and willing to mentor you along your own journey.

Also, consider that we've been acculturated to believe all of our education, adventure and fun living must be front-loaded if it's to happen at all. The assumption, especially among guys, is that if there's something you really want to do, you'd better get it in before you get married. Because once you say, "I do," the high life is over.

In another day, marriage and family was the adventure. Granted, travel was more limited, as was disposable income. But even today, it's possible to see marriage as the starting point. What could make your goals and mountain-top experiences richer than getting there with your life partner and best friend?

The thing we women mistakenly believe is that life will always be in the future as it is today. But life is long and full of varied seasons. You may have time to complete one or more advanced degrees before you marry. Or you may not. But I don't think settling for an easier major is the solution. If you're blessed with a strong mind and a desire to research, the better approach may well be a willingness to punctuate your education and career advancement with life. If you marry after college and have a few babies, you'll still have plenty of time when they're grown to go back to school. You can pick up where you left off.

Back when I was pregnant with our first child, I couldn't imagine a time when I'd want to stop working completely. But that time came. It's still here. I see that my ability to work will continue as long as I'm alive. My ability to teach our son to read, however, won't.

One other thing, it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into mapping out your academic career. Don't forget that getting to marriage in our anti-marriage culture often requires just as much, if not more, preparation and prayer. Don't fall for the myth that if it's meant to be, it will just happen. Never has intentionality been more important.

I wish you well.

Blessings,
Candice Watters

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I just finished reading Single Female Seeking Home Ownership.

Mrs. Watters doesn't seem to differentiate between women renting an apartment and purchasing a home. These are two very different things. When I went away to university, I rented because I knew that it was a temporary living situation. But purchasing a home is a whole different experience. The financial and emotional commitment is huge and long term. I'm 29, single, and have been a homeowner for three years and I still wish that I wouldn't have had to build a home. For me, the decision to build and not to rent was a difficult thing. I am not disagreeing with her comments like, "How much more firmly a woman's purity is guarded when she lives under the protection of a family...." I just think that the title of her article is misleading and that she should have at least acknowledged the difference between living away from home/family, and home ownership.

[Candice interjects: I tried to be clear that the point of the article was the pitfalls of living solo or with peers v. the benefits of living with a family. I'm sorry you found the title misleading.]

I've heard of the movie Failure to Launch, which is supposed to be about adult children not moving out of the family home. I've also seen the "Can't get your kids to leave home? Stop feeding them cheese" ads. Apparently children are staying home longer, possibly due to financial advantages. Does this trend really exist? If it does, how can there be more adult children living at home and more single female homeowners?

REPLY

Sadly the trend does exist. Time magazine's recent cover story "They Just Won't Grow Up" exposed the extent of the problem. I say sadly because by and large, 20-somethings who fall into this category are not moving home after college (or living with their families while in school) as part of an intentional plan to help them marry timely and well, they are doing it because they are stuck in adolescence and unwilling to take on the adult responsibilities that come with starting their own families and building their own homes.

The whole point of my article was to raise yet another way singles, especially women, can be intentional about getting married. That's why it's not going to help to live with just any family. If you're considering a family living arrangement because you want the benefits it may afford toward marriage, then you have to choose a family that is committed to your goals and willing to pray for you, pray with you and introduce you to eligible men when that opportunity arises. In an attempt to recapture the forms that used to protect and help single women, you must also recapture the motivation that gave rise to those forms in the first place.

This is a great question, and I really appreciate the opportunity to clarify this point.

Thanks for writing.

Best,
Candice Watters

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.