DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I recently read the article addressing issues dealing with single men and how they treat women. It was an informative, straight-forward article which I appreciated. But reading it stirred up a question in my mind.

As a 28 year old, Christian, single guy, I've heard this message preached countless number of times. I need to honor the girls in my life and treat them w/respect. I need to view them as sisters in Christ. Great message. What I was hoping this article would tackle is the question, "How does a single man deal w/the lack of physical intimacy?" Although I am very secure in myself and thoroughly enjoy the stage of life I am in, physical intimacy is one of the areas that seems ... how can I put it ... non-existent. However, the "male urges" are still existent. How are single Christian guys supposed to handle this issue in a Christ-like manner? I think the majority of us already know how we are supposed to treat women. On top of that it's our strong desire to give them the respect that they deserve. So instead of us just hearing what we are not supposed to do, it would be nice to hear how we can fill that seeming void that exists when we do the right thing.

I think this unfortunately dives into the problem w/porn in the Christian church today. Although I am not trying to condone it in any way, I'm sure that many times pornography turns into the coping mechanism for the lack of physical intimacy in Christian single men. I already know and could teach the lesson about the harms of porn, so that's not the issue. It's a battle in which I already know right from wrong. Sometimes that battle is lost. And I know for myself, one of the justifications that runs through my mind is that this is one way to achieve the facade of physical intimacy w/o hurting the "sisters in Christ" immediately surrounding me. This in no way REALLY justifies the act and guilt always follows. I may be the only one that thinks that, but I guess I'm hoping that I'm not.

If this issue was tackled by a brave soul, it would be nice to hear it coming from a positive standpoint of Godly ways to fulfill that desire as opposed to an article coming down on the graveness of pornography and uncontrolled flirting.

Thanks for taking the time!

REPLY

We've received numerous variations on this same question, and I have much to say about it -- too much for one response -- but let's at least get started. I could give you the standard "flee temptation/be pure" answer and leave it at that, but it wouldn't do you much good. Don't get me wrong, the Bible is chock full of "flee temptation/be pure" instruction, but that really doesn't get to heart of it. We're going for a holistic approach.

I want to acknowledge John Eldredge for helping me organize my thinking on this issue in his book Wild at Heart. I encourage you to read it -- once now and again when you turn 40. You'll get a different message a decade or two from now.

What is this illusive male "urge"? It is not -- I repeat -- not merely the sexual impulse or desire for orgasm. The male urge goes much, much deeper than sexual release. A man needs -- "urges" for -- three primary things: A battle to fight, a beauty to rescue and an adventure to live. Eldredge points out that all three desires are placed in a man's heart by God himself, dating back to Adam. It's a theme that recurs over and over in mythology and romantic stories. The knight in shining armor fights valiantly for the noble cause of the kingdom, defeats the enemy and rescues the damsel in distress. From Cinderella to Braveheart, the theme is the same -- a beauty, a battle, an adventure.

We men desire to be that hero. We desire to live that adventure, to fight that fight and unveil the beauty of a woman. We think, but I'm not on the streets of Baghdad fighting terrorists; there are no more knights or gladiators. I'm just a regular ol' guy in the modern world, earning a degree or working my job. There are no more battles to fight, no adventures to live, no beauties to rescue. So we retreat to the illicit, and are distracted for a few moments from our boredom.

2 Samuel 11-12 is a snapshot of exactly what I'm talking about, the infamous Bathsheba Incident. David, the once great-warrior, has quit fighting, even while a battle raged around him. While the other men fought valiantly, he lounged back home on his couch watching Bathsheba, someone else's wife, take a bath (porn), and then used her. In contrast, her warrior-husband Uriah wouldn't even think of sleeping in his own house with his own wife while a battle raged. His heart called him into battle. The beauty would have to wait.

Satan's Big Lie to you, to every man, is that there is no battle, or at least not one worthy of your participation. Here, he says when he offers the illicit, here's a little something to keep you busy in the meantime, while you wait for something to happen. But Scripture disagrees, "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary [tell me, if there's no battle, why do you have an adversary?] the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour [nope, no battles here ...]. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world." Let me ask you, if a real lion were about to literally eat your heart, would you be thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalog? No. You'd be fighting for your life. Most of us live like life is a trip to the mall, but, as Eldredge says, in reality it's more like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan (Normandy Beach, D-Day, WWII).

Your adversary, the devil, is not merely trying to get you to be sexually illicit, whether through sex or masturbation. The enemy is trying to destroy your masculine strength, hoping to distract you from battle against him, thus making you ineffective.

He might offer counterfeit battles (a lifetime dedicated to the accumulation of things), counterfeit adventures (Jackass: The Movie activities), and/or a counterfeit beauty (the detached women of porn and advertising). But those aren't really the problems. Your urges are not the problems. Your heart's deepest longings are God-given, but for them to be fulfilled, you must get out on the front lines in the battle for your heart.

Here's my advice: The next time you're tempted to satisfy your urges illicitly (and married men, by the way, have the same temptations and urges), let me give you a new image. Picture yourself in full military gear, strapped head to toe with weapons. It's scorching hot. You're on the wall of the castle, the center of the kingdom, and inside that castle is its most valuable possession -- your heart as God desires it to be. The sweat and blood are dripping from your face. Your hands are gripping a fully automatic 50 caliber machine gun. Your job is to stop any enemy force that dare attack -- no, devour -- your heart. Now, pull the trigger.

I wish I could grab every young man by the shoulders and say, The battle! The battle! The battle! The battle is raging, but it's not a battle merely against porn or any other illicit behavior. The battle raging is for your heart. Even as a Christian, your old nature acts as an insurgency. You must fight that battle, every day. Your weapons are spiritual disciplines (Ephesians 6:10-20), especially prayer and reading God's Word.

Next time I'll look at some strategies for pulling the trigger and engaging God's battle, living His adventure and unveiling the beauty He has for us.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

* * *

If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.