DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I recently read the article addressing issues dealing with single men and how they treat women. It was an informative, straight-forward article which I appreciated. But reading it stirred up a question in my mind.

As a 28 year old, Christian, single guy, I've heard this message preached countless number of times. I need to honor the girls in my life and treat them w/respect. I need to view them as sisters in Christ. Great message. What I was hoping this article would tackle is the question, "How does a single man deal w/the lack of physical intimacy?" Although I am very secure in myself and thoroughly enjoy the stage of life I am in, physical intimacy is one of the areas that seems ... how can I put it ... non-existent. However, the "male urges" are still existent. How are single Christian guys supposed to handle this issue in a Christ-like manner? I think the majority of us already know how we are supposed to treat women. On top of that it's our strong desire to give them the respect that they deserve. So instead of us just hearing what we are not supposed to do, it would be nice to hear how we can fill that seeming void that exists when we do the right thing.

I think this unfortunately dives into the problem w/porn in the Christian church today. Although I am not trying to condone it in any way, I'm sure that many times pornography turns into the coping mechanism for the lack of physical intimacy in Christian single men. I already know and could teach the lesson about the harms of porn, so that's not the issue. It's a battle in which I already know right from wrong. Sometimes that battle is lost. And I know for myself, one of the justifications that runs through my mind is that this is one way to achieve the facade of physical intimacy w/o hurting the "sisters in Christ" immediately surrounding me. This in no way REALLY justifies the act and guilt always follows. I may be the only one that thinks that, but I guess I'm hoping that I'm not.

If this issue was tackled by a brave soul, it would be nice to hear it coming from a positive standpoint of Godly ways to fulfill that desire as opposed to an article coming down on the graveness of pornography and uncontrolled flirting.

Thanks for taking the time!

REPLY

In the first part of my response, I advised addressing this issue at a more foundational level than merely "flee temptation," even though that is without question a valid and biblical response. I suggested some deeper truths about manhood that must be engaged if you are to understand your God-wired design. Borrowing from John Eldredge's Wild at Heart, I mentioned three ultimate desires of every man: the desire for adventure, for a beauty, and for a battle. Satan tries to use your masculine wiring against you, to disarm you in this intense, cosmic battle you're smack in the middle of, to make you an ineffective by-stander while flaming arrows whiz past your head and the battle rages all around you. I suggested that at least some portion of illicit behavior is because we're not engaged in the battle and frankly, we're just bored.

In this part, I want to issue a challenge to you. I want to call you into the battle, to fight like you've never fought before. If I told you that there is someone who right now is stalking you, watching your every move, with the intent of stealing from you, killing you, destroying you, literally devouring your masculinity, would you view life differently? Of course you would. You'd be on high alert every minute -- a Special Ops soldier on night patrol down the streets of Baghdad -- finger on the trigger, watching for flashes of light, ready to fire.

What I just described is not hypothetical. It is your reality. Your enemy the devil is at war with you, and according to 1 Peter 5:8, is prowling around you, seeking to devour you. Every day you wake up, your enemy has your heart in his sights. What better way to keep you ineffective than by offering you counterfeits for the desires God has placed in your heart? Rather than embracing THE adventure of a vibrant, Christian life, you chase the short-lived adrenaline rush. Rather than pursuing THE beauty of your life -- your wife or wife-to-be -- you retreat to the detached women of porn and advertising. Rather than engaging THE battle for your heart and the hearts of others, you settle for fighting for material gain or prestige. As a result, you are partially satisfied, fairly bored, and completely distracted from war.

Every day you wake up, you wake up in an arena. You're Maximus. And when you open your eyes, the enemy starts swinging, because he knows that if you really engage, you are dangerous. You've got to get your hands on some armor and some weapons, and fast. Ephesians 6:10-18 tells you what those are.

That passage assures you that you are not fighting porn, per se, or anything else you can see with your flesh and blood eyes. You are fighting the unseen powers of darkness -- Satan and his demons and their schemes against you -- and therefore your weapons are spiritual. I know this can be very, very unfamiliar territory for you, but it is absolutely essential that you go there. It feels like wilderness, but that's OK. You can train yourself.

The passage describes your armor and your weapons. There is an extensive list, but I'm going to challenge you on just two weapons that leap out of the passage: prayer and God's Word. Those are the nuclear bombs in your arsenal. You must get serious about these two disciplines of the Christian life. Any Christian I know who has any depth has these two things in common: they pray and they study the bible with disciplined regularity.

Here's my advice in the form of a challenge: every day for the next seven days, set your alarm 15 minutes earlier than usual, and start the next seven days with 15 minutes of prayer and reading God's word. Start by reading a Psalm and a chapter of Proverbs (choose the chapter that corresponds with the day of the month if you wish) and then finish the time by praying (if you need some guidance on prayer, consider using ACTS, an acronym for Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication). After seven days is up, set your alarm for 15 more minutes earlier, and start the next seven days with 30 minutes of reading and prayer. Continue this cycle and in about a month you'll be starting your day with an hour of prayer and reading. You'll soon discover that even an hour isn't enough. Here's my story about the first time I tried to start the day with prayer.

I commend you for addressing the issue of physical intimacy as a single person and wanting to respect and honor the young women in your life. You showed a lot of courage in writing us. Rest assured though, that being single is not the reason this is an issue. The struggles and temptations continue after marriage, because the battle for your heart continues. Go to battle on behalf of your masculine wiring. Fight for your heart every day. Be active in the pursuit of the beauty -- the wife -- God has for you. Live the adventure of a life committed to Christ. Focus on these things and the rest will fall into place.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

P.S. Anyone willing to take the challenge? Let us know.

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.