DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
Your website has been such a blessing to me over the past
few years, and I have recommended it to so many Christians my
age as a wonderful tool for spiritual growth.
My question is about femininity. I am a 25-year old young
woman, a Christian and a college student. There are very few
guys my age at either my college or my church, and most of my
interactions with the opposite sex are either with non-Christian
men or married men at my church. I am a strong believer that
modesty in clothing and attitude is a must for Christian women,
and I try to live that out.
My problem is that I have a hard time feeling very feminine.
When all the girls my age are dressed in sexy, very revealing
clothes, it is hard to feel attractive. On the other hand, I don't
want to start compromising my modesty, especially since most
of the men I am around are married! Do you have any
suggestions on how to maintain my femininity without
compromising my modesty? Is there any way, in today's society,
to stay modest without ending up androgynous?
Thank you so much for your help with this problem and all
the help you have given over the years.
REPLY
Thank you so much for writing. I really appreciate the
opportunity to answer your question. The answer is YES! There
are many things you can do to achieve your goal of modest
femininity.
The first and simplest thing you can do is wear dresses and
skirts. No one will ever think you masculine or asexual in
something pretty. Obviously skirts and dresses that are too
tight, too clingy, too see-through, or cut too high, too low or
with slits "way up to there" will defeat your goal of modesty. So
you'll have to shop with both modesty and femininity in mind.
That said, there are plenty of clothing companies that make very
feminine, very pretty, very stylish skirts and dresses that are
modest.
And don't think that only one style —
lace and frills and tiny-little-flower patterns — is
feminine. I happen to prefer black and white solids, not prints,
and typically buy more tailored, crisp fabrics. But just because
my closet doesn't have any flowing, flowery rayon dresses
doesn't mean my clothes aren't feminine. There are so many
choices today, it's possible to dress according to your own
personal style — whether sporty, classic, sophisticated,
whimsical, frilly, etc. — and still be modest.
Even women who live in small towns with few stores to
choose from can access the Internet where virtually every
clothing company is available. And by watching websites, you're
often able to catch items on sale that you might otherwise
miss.
In addition to your clothes, another easy change, though a little more time consuming, is to grow your hair long. Many men have said they prefer long hair on women.
A quick rule of thumb is that what's modest is that which
conceals, and what's feminine is that which adds to a woman's
beauty. This includes not only her clothes, hair and makeup but
also her heart — this is the second and more complex
aspect of your femininity. 1 Peter
3:3-5 says
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment,
such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine
clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the
unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great
worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the
past who put their hope in God used to make themselves
beautiful.
This verse is not saying that outward beauty is wrong
— many of the holy women of old were quite beautiful.
Rachel, Abigail, Vashti, Esther and the Shulamite come to mind.
In fact two of them were so beautiful in outward appearance,
Sarah and Rebecca, that their husbands, Abraham and Isaac, lied
about being married to them in order to protect their lives.
What this verse is saying is that true and biblical external
beauty flows outward from your inner character. The most
beautiful form and figure can be made ugly by a rebellious,
selfish or angry heart (see Isaiah 3:16-24 for a look at what
happened to the women of Israel who were concerned
only with their outward appearance).
Ideally you learn these things from your mom and dad. My
Mom taught me what was appropriate, and when I tried to slip
something past them, my Dad spoke up about what wasn't. He
was always loving about it, but clear that I wasn't allowed to
leave the house until I was dressed modestly. That included
everything from hair that was too wild, to too much eye makeup,
to a skimpy bathing suit. I always knew he was acting on my
behalf, as my protector, even when I didn't like the fact that I
had to go back upstairs to change.
I still use the "what would my Dad think" test when I'm in
doubt about buying or wearing a certain garment.
I realize that not every woman has parents who took an
active role in teaching her how to dress, let alone how to be
feminine. And fashion magazines are little help. In most cases,
those magazines do more harm than good. For me, the
temptation they raise is to buy what I don't need and can't
afford. Beyond that, they make me feel inferior and inadequate.
For others, the immodest standard they raise is irresistible. Add
to that all the crass, unbiblical advice and you've got plenty of
reasons to steer clear of them.
Thankfully, as believers, we have a provision for modeling
beyond our natural family — and far superior to glossy
magazines — in the form of mentoring. Ever since the
church started, we've been exhorted to look to older godly
women in all areas of our womanhood (see Titus 2).
If you didn't have parents who took an active part in
teaching you how to dress modestly and look and act feminine,
it's not too late. Consider the married women in your church.
How do they dress? Find one you admire — one who's
stylish, pretty and modest, and who also exhibits godly
character. Ask her if she'd be willing to coach you in this area of
biblical femininity.
As women we must not indulge our desire to stir up a
fleshly reaction in men.1
It's tempting to want to do things that get us noticed. But it's sin
on our part to be soliciting notice for the wrong reasons. And
ultimately, any relationship that would come out of such notice
would be corrupted from the start.
It's well worth your effort as a single woman to cultivate
beauty both inward and out. Not only does it honor the One who
made you lovely, it works to protect you from the kind of suitors
who have less than honorable intentions. How you dress does
affect the type of men who will want to get to know and date or
court you. If you are careful with your appearance, balancing
your efforts to enhance your God-given beauty with your
attentions to your heart and soul, you will be more attractive to
the men whose intentions are honorable.
I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Candice Watters
* * *
NOTES
- Douglas Wilson, Her Hand in Marriage. Canon
Press, Moscow, Idaho. Copyright 1997, p. 49.
* * *
If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for
this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions
that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for
clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the
Family.
