DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I am a 30-year-old single male. Over the last five or six
years I have dated numerous women who say they want to
marry, settle down and start a family. Since I want the same
thing, I figure the relationship is off to a good start. After a
while, though, when it comes time to start thinking about
long-term plans, or even taking a serious approach to the
relationship, the woman decides she doesn't want to put the
time and effort into it, wants to date recreationally, etc. This
scenario has become extremely frustrating for me. What can I do
to encourage a woman to follow through with what she already
said she wants: marriage and family? Or what can I do to
"separate the pretenders from the contenders?"
REPLY
Maybe they're pretending, and maybe they're not. Most
women do want marriage and a family, but they come in
different categories: those who want marriage and family
eventually, but not right now; those who want to
begin pursuing marriage and family now, but not
necessarily with the guy who is pursuing her; and finally, those
who want to begin pursuing marriage and family now and
are open to exploring that with you. Obviously, it's that
last category that matters most to you.
It sounds like what is happening could be exactly what you
want to happen, maybe just not timed or accomplished the way
you'd like. If, when you begin spending time together, she
indicates that she has no interest in recreational dating, then
you can probably take her word for it; there's not much reason
for her to deliberately lie about that. And her ending the
relationship doesn't necessarily mean she was lying when she
expressed interest in marriage.
Let's say that somewhere along in the process of getting to
know you she becomes convinced for whatever reason that
you're not the man to marry and ends the relationship. That
doesn't necessarily mean she was pretending; she's probably
just acting on what she thinks is right. That's what dating is
— spending time getting to know someone to see whether
to move toward courtship.
Now, if the reason she gives for ending the
relationship is that she's had a change of heart and has suddenly
become disinterested in marriage, then she might
have been a pretender, or she could be trying to
find a way to not hurt your feelings. Sometimes to avoid the
possibility of hurting someone personally, we target something
else — in this case an idea, the "pursuit of marriage"
— hoping to avoid an awkward and possibly painful
situation. I'm certainly not condoning that approach, just making
you aware that it happens.
The best way to avoid confusion about relationship
intentions is to talk often and clearly about where things are and
where they are going. And don't forget, one person's "courtship"
could be another person's "just getting to know you." Could it be
that you assume the relationship is already in the "courtship"
stage — intentionally moving toward marriage, while she
thinks it's still in the "dating" stage — still getting to know
you enough to see if she wants to enter "courtship"? The
transitions from stage-to-stage in a relationship can be foggy
territory, and lack of communication makes it even more
difficult. Keep the conversation going to make sure that she's
not merely interested in marriage and family eventually
with somebody, but interested in pursuing that
now and open to exploring that possibility
with you.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
For much of my life I've heard the phrase "the Word of God
does not return void" as an encouragement to get in the Word
even when I don't feel like it. I can see how it's valuable to get in
the Word consistently. My problem is that sometimes when I get
in the Word I don't feel like anything is different afterward ... like
I was a void the Word fell into. I just finished reading, prayed,
and that was it. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. When I
expectantly come unto the Lord what expectations should I have
so the Word doesn't return void?
REPLY
I've been reading the Bible for some 30 years now, and the
same thing still happens to me. You're not alone and you're not
doing anything wrong, but maybe I can give you some ideas to
enhance your reading and study of Scripture. Keep in mind,
though, that you can't always gauge the results of spending time
reading the Bible by the immediate feelings you have when
you're finished. Yes, sometimes reading Scripture is like putting
a bag of popcorn in the microwave — something leaps off
the page right then and you're immediately satisfied. More often,
though, it's like planting a seed or making a long-term financial
investment. The results can be slow, but they are sure and
deep.
First, remember that reading Scripture is to be a spiritual
experience, and by that I mean that we are to consciously
submit ourselves to the teaching of the Holy Spirit as we read
and study. Jesus said that the Holy Spirit will teach us in all
things (John
14:26), so I always begin my time of reading by praying for
the Spirit's guidance, and I pray it sincerely, because I know that
if I am to learn anything, the Holy Spirit will have to teach me.
The Spirit is Who makes the words more than ink on paper; He
makes them "living and active" as Hebrews 4:12
says.
Second, from a practical standpoint it helps when I actually
understand what I'm reading. It's difficult to stay interested if I
can't follow what's being communicated. That's why I suggest
you find a translation that makes that task a little less difficult.
There are several biblically sound, theologically accurate modern
translations available, and many of them have "Student" versions. You may also consider picking up a copy of The
Message, a paraphrase that make it much easier to follow and understand
what's being communicated, and, at least for me, make it much
more interesting.
Third, a routine can become a rut if you're not careful. If
you find you're getting bored with your Bible reading, maybe you
need to change your routine a bit. Try a change of location; work
through a devotional or topical study on an issue that interests
you; team up with someone and study with them; or read
through a book in the Bible and get a discussion group going
with some friends.
Fourth and finally, remember that you have an enemy who
is striving to keep you from growing spiritually. The devil, Jesus
said, seeks to steal, kill and destroy you. Peter said the devil
prowls about seeking to devour you. And Paul said we battle not
against flesh and blood but against the devil's schemes against
us. So whenever we open the Bible and begin praying for our
hearts to change, we should expect a fight over it. Don't run
from the fight; engage it, knowing that God has given you the
weapons to win. And don't be too concerned that after reading
the Bible you don't feel as if anything has happened. Tiger
Woods doesn't feel good about every golf shot, especially the
ones that go in the water, but he doesn't stop swinging. Stay at
it. God will be faithful to make sure the seeds you are planting
will grow and bear fruit.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for
this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all
questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for
clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the
Family.
