DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I was out recently with some friends, and the conversation
turned to the issue of premarital sex. I was trying to defend my
position to an acquaintance who held the opposite view, and he
said something to me that I just could not adequately respond
to. I'm a little embarrassed because it wasn't exactly an original
argument. He said, "Would you buy a car, without first
test-driving it?" Do you have any ideas on a thought-provoking
answer that would display the error in that argument?
REPLY
You could tell him that his view trivializes sex, is a one
dimensional view of marriage, and demeans, demoralizes and
dehumanizes women. How's that for starters?
OK. Let me take a deep breath and calm down.
Our female readers' hearts must be just melting with
romantic euphoria at the thought of being compared to a Volvo.
Him to her dad: "She's pretty; no doubt about that.
Mind if I take her for a spin? Can you tell me about her warranty?
I mean, what if she turns out to be a lemon? What kind of
mileage does she get? You don't have one in metallic silver, do
you? I know you're asking $20K but would you take $15? What
about with a trade-in?"
You might remind your friend that despite men's fondness
for naming their vehicles, a car is a soul-less, inanimate piece of
metal. The woman you marry is a human being, like him, made
in the image of God, with whom — unlike a car —
you're commanded by God to become one flesh for a lifetime.
Marriage and buying a car have little to do with each other.
One is, as Michael Lawrence points out in this Boundless piece, about being
a consumer, the other is about being a servant. It's apples and
oranges. Your friend is making what's called a "straw-man"
argument: presuming a premise, then knocking it down, but the
premise he starts with is false, merely a "straw-man." Car buying
and spouse finding are not the same thing, despite how much
guys love their cars, nor is sex anything like taking a car on a
test drive — thankfully! Sex is but one part of a lifelong
relationship, and trust me, a "test spin" of sex will tell you
absolutely nothing — nothing —
about how your sexual life with your wife will be or how your
marriage will be. That's an adolescent boy's view of sex. Period.
What exactly is he hoping to discover with the sexual
"test-drive" anyway? What about a sexual encounter would
disqualify someone from being his wife? A guy says something
like that and actually has no idea what he means by it.
Let's turn the tables and see how it feels. Let's say he finds
the woman he wants to marry. She's perfect in every way, except
for one thing: she's been "test driven" by all the guys who have
the same mentality he does. She's been treated like a commodity
by guys who needed to "kick the tires" to make sure she'd do,
but for one reason or another they rejected her. How does that
make him feel about those guys who "test drove" his
now-fiancé? When she says, "Keep in mind I've had to
sleep with a lot of guys because, as you know, guys need a
test-drive," will he understand? Or is he expecting brand new
"cars" just to keep rolling up to him for his test drives?
Or better yet, how would he feel if he were
taken on a test drive? What if, after having had premarital sex
with the woman he wants to marry, she said to him, "I'm sorry,
everything about you is perfect, but I just can't marry you
because you were a horrible 'test-drive,'" and then discards him
into a junk-yard heap? See how hurtful that is?
Tell him you're not buying a car; you're searching for the
person you'll spend the rest of your life with, raise a family with,
and grow old with. You're much better off to look for connection
in other areas — spiritual, personal and emotional
compatibilities. The last thing you need to worry about is sexual
compatibility or performance. You'll just have to trust me (and
thousands upon thousands of marrieds) on this one: sexual
compatibility is something that grows, matures, enhances over
time, and surely can't be judged on a "test-drive."
There. I feel much better.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
* * *
If you have a question you'd like John to consider for
this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all
questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for
clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the
Family.
