DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I have recently gotten myself into a rather sticky situation. I needed an e-mail address of a friend and knew that my roommate had her address. I opened my roommate's account and noticed that she had several e-mails from another (guy) friend of mine. The curiosity took over and I put aside my integrity, opening and reading the e-mails.

I now have total regret as I read things about their relationship that I did not know and did not need to know. Now, being caught in a bit of a lie, I am also struggling with how I should approach my roommate. She has a boyfriend but the e-mails from my friend clearly indicated that she is also involved in a sexual relationship with him. How do I confront her when I am not even supposed to know about this?

REPLY

I think you have to come clean with your roommate: both about your snooping and about her two-timing. Start with your sin first. You read something you had no right to read, violating the trust of your roommate, and you owe her an apology. Ask her forgiveness. I think I'd start by telling her the whole story, of needing the e-mail address and snooping around and how you know it was wrong, etc. Once she's forgiven you, then I think you should let her know what you read and simply say that though what you did was wrong, now that you know — or think you know based on what you read — what's going on, that you believe she should come clean with her boyfriend.

An article that is somewhat related to your problem may help: "Deadly Secrets"

BUT, all of this is predicated on the assumption that your roommate is a professing Christian, a follower of Christ. (I'm assuming you are.) If she's not a believer, then it's likely she'll respond poorly to your confrontation since she won't have the moral imperatives in place that qualify what she's doing as sin. If that's the case, be prepared for a very negative response.

If she is a believer and responds with forgiveness toward you and repentance about her relationships, and does what's necessary to end any (all) sexual relationship(s) outside of marriage, confessing her duplicity to her boyfriend, then you can start to restore your own friendship with her, including restoring the trust you violated.

If she's a believer but rejects your apology and/or your plea to come clean on her two-timing, you have a problem. You need to rethink this living arrangement. See "Does It Matter Who You Live With?"

I wish you well.
Candice Watters

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am very grateful for the biblical advice and guidance that you give on your site. Here is my question: I am a 32-year-old female and I desire to be married and I believe it is God's will for me to be married. The problem is that at the moment I am not in a relationship. I go to a small church and there are no eligible guys, actually all the guys are much younger than me. At the moment some of my friends insist that I need to go to places where men will know I am available; they suggest joining an online dating service, changing my church. I am frustrated because there is so much pressure on me to go look for a man but I am not sure that I should be doing this.

Isn't the man supposed to pursue the woman? I want to continue to live a life that is pleasing before God. I pray a lot to be married one day but at the moment I feel pressured to do things that am not comfortable with. The circle of people I interact with does not include a lot of guys in their 30s. What are your suggestions?

REPLY

Several ideas come to mind:

For starters, don't do anything you're uncomfortable with, even if your friends say you should. You need to follow your conscience on this.

Second, keep in mind that there's a key different between pursuing a man and doing things that make it more likely you'll meet eligible men. I suggest reading these two past articles for some ideas: "Finding a Husband" and "Where to Meet People"

Next, consider the value of mentors. Telling an older married couple(s) you know and trust that you desire marriage is a great starting point. They can pray with you and keep their eyes open for eligible men to introduce you to. They can also provide valuable protection and guidance when a man does appear on the scene.

Finally, pray boldly. I've written about that, too: "Pray Boldly"

May God grant you wisdom and the desires of your heart.

Blessings,
Candice Watters

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I wanted to write and thank you for all of the helpful advice you give through the articles of Boundless. I am very thankful to have this resource. I also wanted to write and ask you a question. I am about to turn 23 years old and I am a student at Boyce College, a ministry school. Over half the student population at this college happens to be of the male gender and most of the guys are younger than myself. Should I place an age minimum for the guy I choose to date and/or enter into a relationship with?

REPLY

I'm glad you find this column helpful and trustworthy enough to submit your own question.

My answer is similar to the one I gave about different levels of education: it's not so much a matter of years but of maturity and compatibility. Granted, in this case, there's a prudential and practical age limit beneath which you should not consider going. Although a five year difference may be imperceptible when you're 35 and he's 30, right now that difference would not be only noticeable, but legally problematic. Also, given that women tend to mature faster than men (granting of course that this is a general trend, not a hard and fast rule) it's not likely you'd find an equitable level of maturity in a man five years your junior.

There's a lot of life experience that tends to happen between 18 and 23; the kinds of things that have the ability to grow a person up (if you let them). I think practically speaking, at this age, it's best to not go beyond one or two years younger.

Finally, I find your wording — "the guy I choose to date" a bit curious. So let me clarify: just because you're older, does not mean the role of leader in the relationship should shift to you. The man should always be the initiator, the one who does the choosing. At that point, it's up to you to decide how and if you will respond. Considering the potential age difference you're facing, allowing him to lead is paramount to the success of any romantic relationship.

May God grant you wisdom as you continue to grow in Him.

Best,
Candice Watters

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.