DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I have been dating my girlfriend for four years, we are both Christians, and we love each other. We found out that she was pregnant, and we think we should get married even though we are both 18. My girlfriend's parents say that we are too young and will not allow us to get married. We live in a state that requires parent permission to get married under the age of 21. What should we do?

REPLY

Without knowing more information, I have to default to your girlfriend's parents. They understand that marriage, and especially parenting, require a level of maturity that is rarely found among today's 18-year-olds.

Now, you two might be the exception, but given that you were having sex when you knew it was wrong and didn't consider the consequences, or chose to ignore them, shows a level of maturity that brings into question your ability to handle marriage and parenting right now, not to mention being on your own and providing a living for yourselves.

I commend you for wanting to do the right thing by being responsible for your actions and of course for choosing life over abortion. And just because her parents aren't for marriage now doesn't mean they'll always feel that way. I suggest you discuss with her parents exactly what they would like to see happen before the two of you marry, and move toward that. Find out what are their concerns (lack of education? age? income?), and begin an ongoing discussion on how you might eliminate those concerns.

Although you and your girlfriend (and now child) face tough odds, they're not insurmountable by any means. Be encouraged that none of this has caught God by surprise. He can receive glory, even from this tough situation. You can make this work, but you'll have to rise to a level of maturity beyond your years.

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I overlooked an obvious piece of advice in my answer to this question a couple of weeks ago.

Ideally you would continue in dialogue with your girlfriend's parents and overcome their concerns about the two of you getting married, rise to a level of maturity beyond your years and tackle with courage the incredible challenges of marriage and parenting at such a young age.

I should have also suggested that if marriage is not an option, then the two of you, along with both sets of parents, should at least give some consideration to putting the baby up for Christian adoption. First and foremost in your minds should be what is best for the baby. A Christian home with two married, loving parents would greatly reduce the risk of negative outcomes for the child compared to being raised by a single, teen mom. There are several reputable Christian adoption agencies with long lists of married couples hoping to adopt.

Give it some thought and prayer. I know God will give you direction. And thanks to Boundless Answers: Women author Candice Watters for the reminder.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I really appreciate all that Boundless has to offer. Of particular interest in our family lately have been the articles that pertain to courtship. This leads to my (hopefully not-too-basic) question: What role do parents play in courtship? When a young man comes to my husband and me to ask to court one of my daughters, what kinds of questions should we ask? Do we speak to them both together, or separately? Do we find out if our daughter wants to be courted by this man? I'm sure there are other things we need to find out, but I have yet to read about this issue from a parent's point of view.

REPLY

Keep the big picture in mind and let that guide your actions and involvement. As a parent, you have not only the opportunity, but in many ways the obligation, to offer your blessing to your children who are entering this stage and beyond, a blessing that will last a lifetime.

That's much more than just saying, "We bless this relationship." It's offering guidance, within proper boundaries, and modeling the kind of relationship you'd like to see your children experience. It's helping them avoid the pitfalls you have experienced or seen others experience. It's cheering them on and helping them gain confidence as they navigate new waters.

As for specifics, think about what you wish someone had asked you, now that you have the benefit of hindsight. Ask him some questions that get him thinking, like, "What is it about our daughter that attracts you to her? What are some of the qualities you admire most about her? What do you hope to accomplish or discover during the courtship season? What steps will you take to seek God's guidance through this season? What are the things you are looking for to confirm that she is who you want to spend the rest of your life with? How will you be held accountable for purity during this season?"

His answers to those thought-provoking questions should give you a fairly good idea of his seriousness, and at the very least it will get him thinking about things that matter. And yes, you should make sure your daughter is on board, and that she too is being asked some of the same questions.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I had a question about which college someone attends. In my circle of friends, three went to a Christian College. I went to a secular school for my first year of my own college career. The second year I had enough money to go to a Christian college. But now since this academic year ended, I seem to have no way to afford going back to the Christian college and am forced to go to a secular school. I'm starting to realize something possibly psychological happening though. I think I felt/feel like unless I go to a Christian college, I'm not going to accomplish anything spectacular in life. I started thinking about it, this is only 4-5 years of my life here, and then I go off to my career. What do you guys think about this? Do you think it really matters THAT much to go to a Christian school?

REPLY

What matters most is not so much your environment but your own personal framework through which you view all of life, whether you're in college (Christian or secular), in a career or ministry or whatever. Your life is about God's glory — His spectacular-ness — not about what we might define as a "spectacular" accomplishment this side of heaven. What is spectacular is when we live our lives for His glory and not our own, and that is not dependent upon where we attend college or even if we attend college.

Practically speaking, we could list pro's and con's of a Christian's attendance at either a secular or Christian school, but that often comes down to the individual school and the Christian attending it. It's great if you can take advantage of the opportunity to attend a quality school that views the universe and education through a Christian framework, but not a requirement for God to receive glory from your life or for you to do the good works which God has prepared for you to do.

I did both — undergraduate at a secular school and graduate at seminary. God used them both to prepare me for what He has called me to do.

If you do decide to attend a secular school, be sure to plug yourself in to a local church body and take advantage of any ministry groups on campus such as Intervarsity or Campus Crusade. God made you for community, so don't try to go it alone.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.