DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am a college student, and about to graduate next year. It's what many deem as that part of life where "it's time to find a wife."

I am not pursuing anyone, nor is that my goal by the end of college, but I still have a burning question. I have made the decision to save my next kiss for the altar, and feel very strongly about saving that for my future wife. I get the chance to explain this idea of purity to my friends, and one once asked me, "So you're going to go from the first kiss, all the way to sex, in one day? Isn't that a bit awkward?"

I thought about it, and then another question popped into my head: "Do you have to have sex on your wedding night?" I honestly don't know the answer, and perhaps you could shed some light on the issue for me.

REPLY

You've asked a great question. Here's the answer: What you do on your wedding night is between you and your new spouse. As long as you are both in agreement, and your actions honor and respect one another, then there's no set physical agenda.

The wedding night can be terribly intimidating, especially if there are expectations of hours of rapturous sexual ecstasy, an idea fueled more by Hollywood than reality, and one that most assuredly will leave one or both spouses disappointed. You'll do yourself a favor by getting the perfectly-timed hot and steamy love scene from the movie out of your head now. Somebody wrote that script for two actors, and they're getting paid to fake you out.

There's nothing magical about saying "I do" that suddenly makes a person an expert about the other person's body. The wedding night is the first of hopefully thousands of nights (and mornings and days and afternoons) together — there's plenty of time to learn and discover.

The process of discovery is a blast, as long as you know the key: COMMUNICATION, which means TALKING. The couple should talk with one another about their wedding night (a good pre-marriage counselor will help facilitate this) and what are proper expectations. Even two of the world's greatest musicians would have difficulty suddenly having to play a duet that neither had ever heard before. There would be plenty of notes missed. But as they took time to practice, things would begin to click.

Here I'm speaking from experience: if the couple has reserved sex for marriage, they can expect plenty of notes to be missed early on as they begin the process of physical discovery. But not to worry, with patience, practice and good communication, each will continually enjoy the song more and more as the years go by (now 13 years for my wife and me and still getting better). Continual discovery for a lifetime is, in fact, the way God designed marital sex, and He wired it so that the two must communicate in order to fulfill its design.

One more thought. There could be issues that make sexual expression especially difficult for a couple, such as pre-marital promiscuity, a past abusive relationship or event, past pornographic addictions, etc. These issues might require help from a trained counselor to work through. No couple should be afraid to ask for help as they learn to navigate new and sometimes difficult waters. They'll be glad they did.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I have read the Bible through from cover to cover six times and the New Testament more times than I can count. I don't get the concept of reading the same message day after day. The Scriptures state that the word will be written on our hearts. I am bored reading the Scriptures. I wish I wasn't but the fact of the matter is, I am bored.

I would like to hear what you have to say regarding my comments.

REPLY

When you practice a spiritual discipline, whether it's reading the Bible or praying or fasting or whatever, it's absolutely critical to remember the goal: greater connection with the living God. Behind all of these disciplines is not a discipline; it's a Person, Jesus Christ, Who desires to know us, to be in relationship with us. Reading the Bible can become boring when the point is just to "get through" a certain amount of Scripture in a certain time period. That's not the point. The point is daily connection with God, ultimately leading to a moment-by-moment connection. God wants us not merely to read about Him, but to walk with Him.

I suggest that you take a step back to see the big picture regarding your discipline of reading the Bible, and ask yourself a key question: Why am I doing this? Is it merely to accomplish a reading goal? To check off a "to do" list? To please God? What pleases God is not simply the practice of a spiritual discipline, but the end result of a deeper and more intimate connection with His heart, leading to a passionate, vibrant relationship with your Creator. Sometimes that's accomplished by reading, sometimes praying, sometimes just sitting reflecting and meditating on His Word and His character, and sometimes just listening quietly.

I remember reading in seminary a book on teaching the Bible, written by Dr. Howard Hendricks, a professor at Dallas Theological Seminary. In it he tells the story of a person who came to him one day and said, with a hint of pride, "I've been through the Bible 15 times, Dr. Hendricks!" I'll never forget Dr. Hendricks' response: "Wonderful! Now, how many times has the Bible been through you?"

That little encounter has stuck with me over the years, gently reminding me that when I sit down to read my Bible, it's not about how much of it I can get through, but how much of it gets through me.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.