DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

My husband recently came back from a co-ed recovery retreat. He did a lot of emotional work in this group and a lot of healing and expression of repressed emotions. A few women in the group that are also going through the same kinds of therapy and working on the same kinds of issues are wanting to meet with my husband for dinner or coffee.

My husband and I are Christians and want to have appropriate boundaries between us and our opposite sex friends. Is it appropriate for husbands to meet with other unmarried women to talk about emotionally intimate things or married women to meet with unmarried men to discus intimate things? Where do the boundaries lie? What is God-honoring? I know emotional affairs begin this way and we want to avoid this at all costs.

REPLY

Then do. Your instinct is right: For him to meet with other women, whether married or not, to discuss "emotionally intimate things" is not only inappropriate but unwise and dishonoring to you, to God and your marriage vows. It's never appropriate for a married man to meet with a woman not his wife in a date-like setting (e.g., dinner or coffee). The same would apply if it were you wanting to meet with other men. The only proper place for emotional intimacy across the sexes is within family relationships, most obviously the marriage relationship.

Two further cautions. I think any future recovery retreats of this nature would be best attended by both of you together. What better way for him to heal than in the context of your respect, support and involvement. How much better it would be if the woman he's bonding with during all this healing is not some single stranger, but his wife.

I can't help but wonder if the retreat was explicitly Christian or biblical in its approach. That's a must. It's no good getting counseling to heal in one damaged area if the format lacks appropriate safeguards against other worse problems (like creating opportunities that lead to the break-up of Christian marriages).

Second, I believe this question, though asked by a married reader, has implications for our single readers. It's a reminder that patterns of emotional intimacy that are set during dating or courtship have important implications for life after the wedding. Too much emotional intimacy too soon can be a red flag that the person you're considering as a future spouse lacks appropriate personal boundaries.

Some things are meant for the marriage relationship alone. Most obviously that includes sex. But that's not all. True emotional intimacy is only as intimate as it is limited to the two people sharing it. Any man willing to bond too deeply with women not his wife will be more likely to continue the pattern after he's married. After all, he's developed a habit in that direction.

Better a man who makes an effort not to do anything that could be misinterpreted as inappropriate attention than one who gushes over every new woman he meets.

Sincerely,
Candice Watters

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am a 21-year-old who is getting married this coming May. My fiancé is a Christian, and we both have the same views on what God has to say about infidelity and living an adulterous life.

My father left my family seven years ago. He since has failed me as a father and as a spiritual leader. This poses a dilemma for our upcoming wedding. We decided to allow him to be part of the wedding (whether he deserved the honor or not), but he keeps telling me that he refuses to come if we don't allow his girlfriend (the one he left us for seven years ago) to attend. I feel like because he is living in sin and neither my fiancé nor I agree with his sinful lifestyle that she shouldn't be allowed at our wedding. Besides that, I don't even like her.

Because of this, my father keeps telling me that I am and always have been self-centered and completely selfish. I don't understand how he can be that hypocritical because his lifestyle and choices just prove that he is self-centered.

Now he refuses to even talk to me until I get "professional counseling." I am at my wit's end. This emotional abuse has been going on for seven years and I am just exhausted from it. Do I just give up trying and just keep praying? I don't know what to do.

REPLY

I'm so thankful that you and the many other readers with similar stories have our heavenly Father to look to when our earthly dads let us down! I pray, too, that your fiancé brings a healthier son/father relationship with him into your marriage. What a blessing that would be for you.

As for your own father, I think you've gone above and beyond in your efforts to honor him by inviting him to your wedding. I also agree with you that it would be inappropriate and insulting to you and your mom and the rest of the family — not to mention God's standards of morality — to include the girlfriend in that invitation. You are under no obligation to have her at your wedding, the celebration of the very vows your dad seemingly disregarded so lightly.

John the Baptist came to mind as I read your e-mail. Not only did he think what Herod was doing, by having an affair with his brother's wife, immoral and against God's law, he took a public stand. A stand that ended up costing him his life.

Finally, I think that at this point, yes, prayer is your best occupation. Spend time asking God to do what only He can: convict your dad of his sin. And for your part, continue to be honorable in your behavior toward him without compromising your need to exercise what Dr. Dobson has called Tough Love (you may want to get a copy of that book, in addition to Henry Cloud and John Townsend's Boundaries).

While it's certainly understandable that you wouldn't like this woman who broke up your parents' marriage, you gain nothing by sharing your disdain for her with your dad. It's best to stick to the facts (e.g., Dad, we don't want to dishonor mom by including your girlfriend at the wedding. Dad, this is what we've decided and our decision is firm. Dad, we hope you'll come but if you decide not to, know we'll miss you., etc.). Personal attacks and insults against his girlfriend will only add fuel to the fire.

Your dad's attempts to bully you into changing your mind, compromising your principles and legitimizing his adultery are just that: bullying. I think you should stand firm and not confuse his added silent treatment for anything other than what it is: manipulation.

Sincerely,
Candice Watters

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.