DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I am a daughter of a mother and father who divorced each
other. They have both since been remarried and divorced again.
Now my father is in a relationship and I was wondering where
the kids (my sister and I) came into the mix. I have been taught
now that as I prepare for marriage to be expecting that my
husband would come first before the kids. Well, do the kids of
the first marriage always come first or do the kids go back to
being second after each marriage or relationship? There were no
other kids produced out of these relationships described above.
I work in college ministry where 50 percent of the students are
children of divorced parents and a lot of times they remarry.
This is a question for them and me really. Thanks so much! I
love what your ministry has done for me and so many
others!
REPLY
Being a fellow child-of-divorced-parents myself, I
empathize with you. You and I, along with countless other
children and adults, have the task of navigating waters of what I
call the "un-ideal." The ideal is that parents stay married, raise
kids in a healthy environment, and provide a model of Christian
marriage that their children will hopefully replicate. But of
course, we live in a fallen world, and the ideal is not always the
case.
If you're asking how family members should relate to one
another and whether one relationship (husband-wife) has
priority over another (parent-child), let me give you this as a
guide. Jesus boiled our relationships down to just two levels of
priority: First with God and then with everybody else. First,
love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind. Second love
your neighbor (anybody who is not the Lord) as yourself. Jesus
said all of the law can be summed up in those two priorities.
Paul gives more specifics about how loving your "neighbor"
should play out in the family and in society, and
re-emphasizes love as the guiding principle in all
relationships. They are all to be placed equally under the
lordship of Christ. Now, please don't confuse priority of
relationships with the hierarchy of authority in the family, which
is clearly laid out in Ephesians (Father as head, etc.)
Now, practically speaking, all the family relationships (part
of the "neighbor" category) are interconnected, more like a web
than a step ladder, and at the center of that web is the
husband-wife relationship. Ideally it is to be the model for all
other relationships in the family, because it involves the adults
— the God-ordained leaders — of the family. So as
a model, yes, it is the foundational relationship in the family
(again, ideally). All other relationships are to take their cues
from the husband-wife relationship.
More to your specific question, when there is no
husband-wife relationship (due to divorce or death or never
married), then from a practical standpoint the parent-child
relationship might receive more attention (merely because more
time is available for it) and by that measure moves toward the
center of the web, but it was never designed to be the model
relationship for the rest of the family.
In your particular case, with your parents having chosen
multiple marriages and divorces, your family web has become
increasingly complex and the husband-wife model relationship
is in complete disarray, but the principles are the same. You and
your sister are to do your best (leaning on God's mercy) to "honor your
mother and your father" — your biological parents
(and when applicable, step-parents) — and strive to, at
least from your standpoint, place those relationships under the
lordship of Christ and live them out for His glory. Don't be
too preoccupied with which family relationship comes first,
second, third and so on; focus more on submitting the ones in
which you are involved to Christ.
Finally and most importantly, let your current situation of
family "un-idealness" (I just make up the words as I go) as a
springboard to doing it right. The more you focus on front-end
solutions, the more you can avoid dealing with the fall-out from
the back-end problems. You start by having a clear and high
view of the sanctity of marriage as God-ordained and its unique
design to illustrate Christ's love for His church. You have a vision
for what the end will look like, the legacy of a couple who did it
right, who look back over 60 or 70 years of marriage and life
together, surrounded by kids and grandkids and great
grandkids, and rejoice in their legacy together. And you
understand the daily work it takes to glorify God with this
institution, relying moment-by-moment on His mercy and grace
to live, love, forgive and triumph in the intense environment of
family.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
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