DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I'm a single guy, and there is a good Christian girl (that I
like) in my town, but she's dating someone on the other side of
the country. My question is ... what should be the characteristics
of my behavior? Do I befriend her and try to win her heart? Do I
come right out and tell her how I feel? Should I treat someone
else's girlfriend as if she were already his wife?
REPLY
The details mean everything in this situation. First, how are
we defining the word "dating"? We know that at the very least it
doesn't mean they are going out on "dates" with each other,
since that is physically impossible. But if by "dating" we mean
more like "courting," which means they intend to get engaged
and married within some reasonable amount of time and they're
just waiting for all the logistics to come together, then I would
obviously be more hesitant to entertain ideas of pursuing
her.
If, however, their relationship is neither serious nor
exclusive, and they don't seem to be quite sure about whether
marriage to one another is in their future, then I would be more
inclined to explore the potential of getting to know her
better.
Scripture commands us not to covet another man's wife
(and by implication, for women not to covet another woman's
husband). In other words, don't even entertain the thought of
her being yours if she's married. But she's not married, and
there is no way to know whether she considers herself
"available" without asking. So ask. If she says she's unavailable,
then you've got your answer. If she says she's available, make
sure the guy she's "dating" has the same view. You don't want to
get into a situation where she's telling you one thing and him
something else. If you pursue her, it needs to be public. No
sneaking around behind his back. If you let open honesty be
your guiding principle, you'll avoid a potential mess down the
road.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
* * *
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I have a question regarding missions. I have never felt a
"calling" to become an overseas missionary full-time, but over
the past few months I've felt that perhaps it would be a good
idea to do some cross-cultural missions. I am in my second year
of university, and doing this missions trip would make me
behind a year in my program. I'm just struggling with the issue
of staying in school, where there are tons of mission
opportunities with class-mates, or leaving to go on an overseas
mission. I think that both are in favor with God; I just don't know
if going away for a year is such as good idea because it will
jeopardize my relationships that I have with some non-Christian
friends at university.
REPLY
Maybe I'm an optimist, but I can't imagine how your
choosing to go on a missions outreach would in any way
jeopardize friendships with non-Christians, at least in the sense
that they wouldn't want to associate with you as a result. I tend
to think that exactly the opposite would happen — that it
would speak volumes to them about your heart and authentic
faith. The fact that you would pause school to go halfway around
the world to share God's love with total strangers should be a
real testimony to them. It will probably open a door for a great
conversation about your faith and the message of the
gospel.
You say you've "felt perhaps it would be a good idea...." If
by that you mean that you've had a strong impression that God
is calling you to a missions outreach, and He has placed that
desire in your heart, then by all means, you should pursue it. It
is certainly God's heart to use you to reach people with the
gospel message. If this is an opportunity that for some reason
might not come around again, and the financing is not an issue
(you don't mention it being an issue so I assume that's not a
problem) then I think you should go. My guess is, once you get
out there, you'll wonder why you ever questioned it. I've never
known any person to go on a missions outreach and later regret it.
Usually the only regret is that they didn't go sooner.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
* * *
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
My girlfriend and I are discussing getting married soon, and
are making preparations for how we will live together, etc.
post-marriage. I am planning on playing music full-time after I
finish school and as a result I may not have a significant income.
She will be making good money, even enough to take care of
both of us comfortably without my income at all. I am
uncomfortable, though, with using the money that she earns to
help me live successfully. I want to be able to provide financially,
but I feel that one of the reasons God may be leading me toward
my career and also toward marriage with her is to allow me to
do what I love and also be with who I love. Is it wrong for me to
want to take care of all of her needs, including finances? Is it
prideful? How should I view this situation?
REPLY
A temporary arrangement for you both to rely primarily on
her income is fine, as long as she agrees. Temporary for two
reasons: One, Scripture makes it clear that we men are to
earn a living; and two, you will eventually start a family and
you'll want to at least have the option of allowing your wife to
stay at home with the kids if she chooses. That means you'll
need to make an income that can provide for your family.
Both of you need to agree how temporary this season will
be. As I've written
before, my wife helped put me through seminary. Her
salary was our primary source of income for a little over two
years. But we both knew that was a temporary arrangement. My
education not only prepared me for future ministry and career,
but was also an investment in my potential income-earning
down the road.
Finally, I'm not sure what you mean by "I'm planning to play
music full-time ... and as a result I may not have a significant
income." Playing music and earning money aren't necessarily
mutually exclusive. Plenty of people get paid to play music. Why
not be one of them?
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
* * *
If you have a question you'd like John to consider for
this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all
questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for
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