DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am just going to cut to the chase. I am a 25-year-old woman, and I desire to be married. I am very involved in my church, serving in several places. I feel called to ministry and am pursuing that through my church. I have been a believer since I was 4 years old, but while my mom is a believer, my dad is not.

That is where I feel like I've hit a hard spot. I have been pursuing marriage, meaning that I am trying to meet and get to know godly men from my church. I feel like I need to do something more, though. There is an amazing godly couple that has been a blessing in my life, and an awesome example of what the covenant of marriage between God and two people should be. I have been thinking of going to them and asking them to help me seek out that kind of a marriage. I know it sounds strange, but I am so not interested in dating the way the world does. Does this show a lack of discernment? Is it a bad idea simply because this couple is not a part of my "physical" family?

I am still praying about addressing them on the issue. If it is an OK thing to do, how do I approach them about something so personal?

REPLY

Thanks for writing. I think it's commendable that you're going about getting married the way you are. Though it would be ideal to have such input from your parents, as you've pointed out, this isn't always possible. Even if they are on the same page spiritually, distance (geographic, emotional or relational) can interfere.

Thankfully Paul provided a remedy in the advice he gave in Titus 2. Speaking about the range of ages in any church body, he encouraged the older believers to counsel the younger ones.

Not only is it "an OK thing to do," I think it's a great idea to seek out older, wiser Christians for counsel in the area of marriage, as well as the many other life challenges that arise during your 20s and beyond. No matter what season of life we're in, we can always benefit from wise counsel.

Getting wisdom from someone who's further down the road is invaluable. And even if they've had a bumpy road, they're able to provide better scouting than your peers — who are typically in the same place you are, still discovering those bumps themselves through trial and error. You never know where a mentor's insights in the form of advice, open doors and relationships may lead.

One of the keys to a successful mentoring relationship is something you're already aware of: finding a person, or people, who have strengths in the area you are trying to improve. In your case, that means approaching a couple that models a vibrant, godly marriage to help you in the area of marrying well.

It sounds from your letter that you are already friendly with this couple. If it's true that you already have a friendship with them, I think the best approach is the direct one. Let them know you desire marriage, that you admire their relationship with one another and that you've prayed about the possibility of them mentoring you in this area. Then ask them if they'd pray about it, too.

As you'll see in the answer that follows this one, the structure doesn't require formality and the time commitment is variable, based on your needs and their availability.

I wish you well.

Best,
CANDICE WATTERS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I have a question regarding the issue of mentorship. I recently asked a wonderful woman of God to be my mentor. After some prayer she agreed but neither of us knows where to start. I work with high school girls and have been a mentor but I still need advice on how to be mentored to. I would love to start a mentoring ministry at my church in the future and realize the example

I would love any advice and I thank you so much for your ministry, I have considered you somewhat of a virtual mentor since first reading Boundless.

REPLY

Thank you for reading Boundless and for your kind words of encouragement. It's sobering to know that you consider my writing a form of mentoring; may God grant me wisdom and clarity. (I know the standard for teachers is high.)

I believe you've already taken the hardest first step in forming a mentoring relationship — recognizing its value and being open to the input of another. Ours is a culture of radical individualism. When you're used to that, it can be intimidating, awkward or downright annoying to have someone, anyone, speaking into your life. And yet this is just the sort of relationship we're called to as followers of Christ.

Now that you've both said yes to mentoring, what's next? You need to decide what you want to be mentored about and agree on the form that mentoring will take. First the content: It's not likely that one woman can answer all your questions or meet all your needs. This woman, for example, may be best suited to be your spiritual mentor. But if it's advice about your career, life skills or romantic relationships, you may need to branch out.

When I worked on Capitol Hill, I met a woman whose career I greatly admired. She was a bold success in her job and yet managed to remain feminine. I wanted to learn from her and so I asked her to mentor me in the area of my job. She was not, however, the woman who could help me in my desire for a husband — she was a longtime single. That advice came from another woman; someone whose life affirmed Christian marriage. And for help learning how to home school and be an effective mom, I've looked to yet another woman. Each of these three women has distinct skills and areas of maturity that I've wanted to emulate at different seasons of my life.

As to the form, I think regular and casual is the way to go. Mentoring is different from discipleship, which is formal and driven by the teacher. Think of this as a friendship with someone you look up to and respect. The less formally structured the relationship, the less intimidated both of you will be about spending time together and allowing issues to come up naturally. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have a regular time set to meet each week or bi-weekly or monthly (whatever works with your schedules), but that when you do meet, you're not working through a formal curriculum.

Meet for coffee, take walks, discuss books you're reading and what God is showing you in Scripture, tell her what's currently weighing on your heart and let her encourage you, pray with you and when necessary, challenge you.

You've already cleared the biggest hurdle and that's simply getting started.

Every blessing,
CANDICE WATTERS

p.s. For readers who want more detail about the how-tos and benefits of mentoring, check out Connecting: The Mentoring Relationships You Need To Succeed In Life by Paul D. Stanley and J. Robert Clinton and Mentoring: How to Find a Mentor and How to Become One by Bob Biehl. These books spell out in great detail the principles of biblical mentoring.

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.