DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am currently in college and can see myself getting married in a year or so. There's a lady at my school that I met this past semester. We spent a great deal of time together the past few months with mutual friends (occasionally it was just us, but that was the exception, not the rule). She and I really hit it off. We enjoyed each other's company, shared a common world view, and had similar visions for our families and futures. I liked her a lot.

Based on the time we've spent together and the conversations we'd had (some of the pretty deep), not to mention the counsel I'd received from other people I trust and time spent in prayer, I decided to ask her if she would consider a relationship with me. She was flabbergasted and took the day to think it over before saying "no." She didn't see me as anything more than just a friend. I told her that was fine and that even though it would affect our friendship, I wasn't willing to let it come between us. She agreed.

My feelings for her haven't changed. My question is, would it be appropriate to approach her again later? If so, how long should I wait? (I know she had a fairly recent bad experience with a stalker, and I want to be sensitive to that as well.) Is it wrong to hold out hope that she'll come around in time? She's a rather cautious person and might just need more space to think about it. Or am I deluding myself? How does a marriage-minded young man respond to rejection from a marriage-minded young lady?

REPLY

It depends on the "no" she gave you. If it was a "not now, but possibly later" no, then obviously the door remains open and it would be completely appropriate to pursue at a time when she might be in a better position to develop a relationship. If, on the other hand, it was a "I don't ever see us being anything more than friends" kind of no, then you're facing an uphill battle to say the least.

Here's the evidence: She's marriage-minded. She knows you fairly well. She was "flabbergasted" when you brought it up. And she took time to consider her answer before she responded to your invitation. All of that, and yet she still said "no." That's a pretty firm "no." There's not much wiggle room there. You run the risk of embarrassing her and yourself if you pursue her.

The problem that leaves you with is that you just can't turn off your feelings for her like flipping a light switch, and the more you are around her, the stronger your feelings for her grow. That being the case, I think it's unwise for you to keep spending as much time with her as you do. That will only make life more difficult for you (and probably her). She's made it clear she's not interested, so I would urge you to put some — no, much — distance between the two of you, close that chapter of romantic pursuit, and begin moving on.

It sounds noble not to let all of this disclosure affect your friendship, but it will, at least initially. To guard your heart, I'd sit down with her and let her know that your feelings for her just keep growing, and in the best interest of both of you, you're going to have to move out of her orbit for the time being, at least until there is either a change in her feelings or yours. I know that will be inconvenient since you have mutual friends, but I think it's the best thing for now. Gracefully close this chapter and see where God will lead you next.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am dating a wonderful Christian girl and we both know that our relationship is moving towards marriage if all goes well.

We know there is no point in delaying marriage until after we graduate. The problem is my dad always tells me I should wait until I'm at least 27 or 28 until I get married (he got married at 30) and that I "probably haven't even met the girl I'm going to marry."

I know he is being somewhat realistic but he also says that he thinks my girlfriend is great for me. I just can't stand how he essentially says that my relationship right now doesn't matter because I probably won't marry her and I shouldn't even think about it anyway.

I am almost 20 and as of the last few months, almost completely financially independent from my parents (I'm still on their health insurance, that's it). I am just worried that 10-12 months down the line I am going to go to my dad and tell him I want to get married and he will be completely against it.

I don't plan on popping the question anytime soon but still, with the thought in mind that a relationship should move towards marriage and that I'm not going to date a girl for several years before I marry her, how should I go about telling this to my dad so he will accept the fact that I am serious about my relationship with my girlfriend?

REPLY

One of two things is going on, maybe both. One could be that your dad's marriage "philosophy," for lack of better word, is different from yours. By that I mean that his starting point for whether to marry is first "be in your late 20's, at least." If that's the case, I'm sure he believes he has good reasons for holding that position, probably most of them related to his own experiences and those of other people he knows. And unfortunately, it is in fact true that many singles, because of their extended adolescence, are not ready for marriage until their late 20's and into their 30's.

But, let's be quick to add that that is not the ideal by any means. My guess is that this is mostly a default position for your dad, given his observation of most young people (and, again, his own experience, as you mention).

The other thing that might be going on is this: He knows you well and his advice is specifically targeted to you based on what he observes in your life. In other words, maybe he believes for some reason that, yes, some people could marry earlier, but not you. This would strike me a bit odd since your description of yourself seems to indicate quite a bit of maturity; but of course, I only know you from a 248-word e-mail, and your dad knows you from 19 years of life. And he knows this girl, at least better than I do.

Bottom line: Don't blow off your dad's concerns. Talk to him about them. Are they warranted? Does he see specific areas in your life that he believes indicate that you are not ready for marriage? Does he have question marks about the girl you're dating? Is financial stability a concern? Or, does his position have nothing to do with you or her specifically, but more "Nobody should get married before they're 27"?

If it's the latter, then your task is to help him have a paradigm shift. You've got your work cut out for you, but I think with patience and understanding, the two of you can come to some agreement on the issue. You'll have to convince him that you are not the typical 20-year-old who wants to goof off for the next 7 years, but that you have focus and direction, and part of that is moving toward marriage.

Part of convincing him of your maturity will be how you handle this issue. Whining and blowing up will only convince him he's right. On the other hand, patient, methodical communication will support your position.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.