Editor's Note: Following is an issue that weighs heavily on the minds and hearts of many single (and married) Christians. Due to the sensitive nature of this question, and the frequency with which it's asked, we decided to answer a composite question so those asking, as well as the ones they're asking about, will remain anonymous.

DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months now, with the blessing of our parents and friends. Although we were friends before we started dating, some things have come to light only since we began pursuing this relationship. The one that is really bothering me is Internet porn.

Is it true that all guys struggle with this and therefore, we gals should just accept it?

Is it self-righteous to think I'm "too good" for him, simply because I haven't had areas of sin in my life that I have had to deal with?

Is it OK to keep dating him while he deals with this, until it's no longer a struggle for him?

REPLY

Thank you for writing. Because this is a serious problem that afflicts so many dating couples, I'm thankful for the opportunity to discuss it with the women who read Boundless.

In another day pornography was a lot more difficult to obtain. You had to actually ask for it from behind the convenience store counter, or make a drive to some disreputable bookstore in the seedy part of town. For a lot of men, that was more trouble than it was worth. Often the risk to reputation was enough to quiet the temptation.

Thanks to the Internet and its lawless environment, porn is ubiquitous. Dr. Albert Mohler, President of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, says he just assumes every man entering the seminary has used Internet porn to some extent and addresses it accordingly.

Sadly, I think women need to approach the men in their lives similarly. This is not license to ask just any man about his Internet habits, or to bring up racy topics in mixed company, but it is reason to, at a minimum, ask the man you're seriously dating how he avoids the temptations so prevalent in our society.

Thankfully not every man struggles in the same way, or to the same degree. I think it's accurate to say, though, that all men face temptation and some are better than others at obeying God's Word about fleeing (see Matthew 26:41 and Job 31:1). By no means should women just accept that because porn is so widespread, men can't be helped for using it.

I can imagine several scenarios that would come up in the context of a Christian couple's dating relationship, each with its own implications:

Scenario 1: The man struggled with pornography in the past but has given it up with the help of rigorous computer safeguards and vigorous accountability. He has repented both to God and to his girlfriend and is actively, obviously, working for sexual integrity in the relationship as well as his thought life.

Scenario 2: The man struggled with online porn in the past but is now in an accountability group. He admits that he still falls occasionally while online ("all men do") but is sincerely trying to be better because he doesn't want this to be a stumbling block in the relationship.

Scenario 3: He doesn't struggle with porn, per se, but he does enjoy reading Maxim and other magazines for men. He assures his girlfriend that they're harmless and should they marry, he plans to give them up then.

The first scenario is the best possible outcome where Internet porn abuse is concerned. Under these circumstances, I'd advise a friend to proceed with the relationship, confident in the totality of her boyfriend's repentance, as evidence by his active turning away from his sin. His efforts to guard his heart as well as his eyes demonstrate his spiritual leadership and wisdom.

The third scenario is far from ideal and to me, the solution is obvious: either he gives up the magazines now, or you break up with him. To say that these magazines are harmless and that he'll give them up in the future (if and when they're married) is at best naïve, but more likely manipulative and deceptive. Maxim and others are like gateway drugs. While not Playboy, such magazines dance around the edges of pornography. After a while, they'll fail to satisfy his sexual urges and he'll need more skin to be satiated. Because online porn is so widely available, it's unlikely he'll be able to resist the temptation. (In fact, he's probably already using it.)

As for marriage being the thing that finally motivates him to give it up: Don't count on it. There's nothing magical about a wedding ring that suddenly makes it easier to stop sinning. The ability to have legitimate sex will do little to satisfy the illicit cravings he's indulged while single. Unfortunately, the nature of married sex — satisfying but routine — may leave him more dissatisfied than he anticipated, thereby increasing his desire for porn.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

Next time, the tricky Scenario 2.

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.