Dear Readers:

Last time we looked at the boyfriend who has reformed his porn-viewing ways, as well as the one who likes his Maxim. Now for Scenario 2.

Scenario 2: The man struggled with online porn in the past but is now in an accountability group. He admits that he still falls occasionally while online ("all men do") but is sincerely trying to be better because he doesn't want this to be a stumbling block in the relationship.

I think this is the most difficult situation to address because on the surface, this guy seems so well adjusted. He's admitted his struggle and he's getting help from a group of friends. To top it off, he's extra sensitive in that he doesn't want it to hurt the relationship. Trouble is, the way he's dealing with it, harm is exactly what he's courting.

To say that "all men struggle" is to diminish the severity of the sin. I suspect men who use this line aren't as much "struggling" — which implies a concerted effort against the sin — as they are indulging. It's a variation on "everybody's doing it so it can't be that bad if I join them."

My greatest concern is your boyfriend's admission that he still falls sometimes when he's online. That suggests he's using a computer that is not sufficiently protected. There are lots of high quality, dependable services that secure computers against pornography and all manner of illicit websites and services. I would hope that with his history, he would admit he needs a service like that. He knows the smut that's readily available online. And he knows he's vulnerable to it. To use a computer that doesn't have blocking software or a blocking service is like knowingly, repeatedly drinking from a faucet that sometimes contains sewage in the water.

Just last Thursday Boundless ran an article by Mike Ensley who's fighting same sex attraction. To hear him challenge Internet abuse is a powerful reminder of just how critical it is for all believers to have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to online smut.

Is the Internet a temptation? Why do you still have access to it when you don't have to? Get accountability software. Give your wireless card to a friend so you can only go online when they're around. Have a friend, parent or mentor install a blocker and set the password. Get that DSL connection out of your bedroom. Whatever excuse you're using to keep that temptation there — need it for work, personal Web page, etc. — it's not worth it.

(The whole article is a must-read for anyone who's ever warred in his or her heart against lust.)

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him to put a service like Safe Eyes on his system. And I'd also ask him to agree to not use any computers that don't have that or a similar service in place. His reaction to your request will tell you a lot about whether you should continue to date. Is he repentant? Is he humble and open to reproof and correction? Is he turning from his sin and running the other direction? Is he willing to get extra help if he needs it, including the "vigorous accountability" I mentioned last time? These are the behaviors of someone trying to get right, and live right. Anything less — especially if he's defensive about not taking extreme measures — is symptomatic of someone who's not serious about quitting the sin.

The worse thing you could do is act like it's no big deal. Sadly, that's what most of the men (and even lots of women) in our culture do. It's become "common" for men and women to consume a steady diet of online porn. We know temptation is common. The Bible says as much. But just because something's common does not mean we are powerless to resist it.

Someone facing Scenario 2 should exercise extreme caution. The man in this scenario has not had enough practice turning from his sin. Repentance is so much more than just saying, "I'm sorry." And it's certainly more than saying, "Every guy struggles with this in one form or another."

Now for the part of your question about being "too good." Scripture is clear that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. None of us, by our own efforts, are good. None of us is without blame. You are not "too good." And it's simply not true that you haven't had any areas of sin in your life you've had to deal with. Either you're not being honest with yourself about your own sin, and so it remains un-dealt with, or you've not struggled with so visible, or embarrassing, a sin. It's tempting when we escape sins everyone can see (by the grace of God alone), to fall into pride. But the fact that people aren't aware of our sins doesn't make them any less sinful. It's essential in such cases to pray for our own forgiveness — and humility.

That said, it's not true that because we all have sinned we must remain in intimate relationships with those who are sinning. If your boyfriend were an alcoholic who attended AA meetings but still got drunk once every other week, I'd advise you to end the relationship right away. Or what about abuse? If he had graduated from anger management classes but still occasionally hit you, I'd say you'd be foolish to stay with him. And marrying him would be out of the question.

A final thought. The women dating the men in all three of these scenarios will at some point face the natural consequences that flow from a habit, no matter how reformed, of pornography use. Hopefully all three men will run away from temptation and overcome their sin, by the grace of God. And as we know from God's word, He does forgive. But as a wise woman once told me, "Jesus forgives, wisdom doesn't." Yes, if you repent and turn from your sin, Jesus will forgive it and forget it. But the natural consequences of those habits will remain to be faced and dealt with.

Proverbs 9:12 says, "If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you; if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer." Ensley put it this way, "Jesus' forgiveness erases my guilt, but not my memory. When hard times come, some part of me will always remember that that stuff once numbed my pain." On the other side of forgiveness comes the hard work of overcoming thought patterns, repairing relational damage and restoring sexual integrity. Theophilus said in A Soul is Like a House:

Yes, we can be forgiven all in a moment for repented sins, and yes, we can be healed of our sinful propensities. What you are overlooking, however, is that these are not one thing, but two things. "Conversion" is a very different thing than the soul's initial turn to Christ, and the cleansing of our inward sinful tendencies may take a long, long time.

Whether you want to be the woman who's there throughout that long conversion journey is something you must weigh soberly and prayerfully.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.