DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am in desperate need for a godly male perspective on my situation. My boyfriend and I met in church, both active Christians, and have been dating for about a year and two months. From the beginning, my boyfriend has seemed to have a problem with my lack of "secure femininity" (as we have come to call it) due to how I act, dress and talk. When we first met, we connected as friends with some interest. The friendship grew to the point where we would hang out every day and this hasn't changed much over the course of our entire relationship.

The problem seemed to arise when I didn't meet the cultural cues that he was used to seeing in women. I grew up in a small town and didn't really learn all that much about make-up, dressing nice, acting lady-like. I was just myself and went camping, outdoors a lot, things of that nature. To give you more of an idea, my mom soon gave me the nickname of "Dirty Mary" when I was younger after I would play outside all day and come in covered in dirt and scraps from head to toe. Outward appearance just wasn't something that I was concerned with. Why would I be? -- I would just mess up anything I worked hard to accomplish.

It wasn't until I read The Art of The Chase that I realized all of the rude and hurtful things he said (unintentionally) were actually a big deal for most guys. Prior to this reading, hearing him say things like "I'm just not attracted to you" or "I like you and care for you deeply when you're like 'this' but not like 'this.'" That just hurt to hear all the time, especially when his eyes told me something completely different (that he likes me more than he might know). But that book talks about men needing mystery just as women need romance and that this is accomplished through not "dumping emotions" onto the guy and being "reserved," which my boyfriend has said before. And through reading this book, I realized that, 1) I wasn't being completely fair to him by trying to make him my girl friend to talk to and my boyfriend, and 2) that my boyfriend really stinks at communicating.

The problem comes in that now I realize my attraction and love for him is most likely deeper than his for me, which hurts, and I will most likely have to give something up in order to keep him wanting more, so to speak.

To add to all of this, through the relationship we have struggled sexually and although we have not had sexual intercourse, it would seem that through other sexual acts we have consciously allowed ourselves to become deep in emotional involvement, hints why this is extra difficult to deal with.

I just feel lost and like something has to die for this relationship to live. I'm not sure that I am strong enough to handle it all.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it very much.

REPLY

So does he tell you he's not attracted to you before or after these "sexual acts" with you? I'm not trying to be cutesy with that question. I'm trying to make a point: Whatever his view of your "femininity," it appears it's positive enough for him to want to discover more of it physically. So we can at least establish that there is some disconnect between what he is saying and what he is doing.

To "care deeply" for someone only when she "acts feminine" is not "caring deeply" at all. Imagine if I told my wife, "Honey, if you would just put on a little lipstick right now, I would really care deeply for you." That's ridiculous. I might like it when she wears lipstick; I might even prefer it; it might be attractive to me; but that has absolutely nothing to do with whether I "care" for her at any level. (For the record, I'm neutral on it.)

I've never read The Art of the Chase, so I can't comment on its content either pro or con, but here is what you need to know: "Mystery" and "romance" aside, in a relationship that is being done right, one does not keep trying to change the other person by issuing a list of things that the other person needs to change; rather, one strives to bring out the best in the other person by loving him or her unconditionally. Being truly loved by someone brings out more of our beauty, whether masculine or feminine. It's biblical: We radiate the love we receive.

It could well be that you have some insecurity about your self-image as a woman, I don't know. But biblical femininity is an issue of the heart (as is biblical masculinity, which it sounds like he might have some issues with as well), and merely addressing it at the level of make-up and clothing is a huge mistake. If he just wants you to look like some airbrushed magazine cover, then he's the one with the problem, not you.

Now, if it's merely an issue of your having difficulty expressing your femininity appropriately, then that's a matter of finding women who you believe express that well and asking them for advice and help. Candice wrote a fantastic piece related to this called "Not Enough Beauty." Be sure to read it.

As you seek advice from other women, keep in mind that women have different views on what being feminine is and should look like, and you'll need to proceed with caution. It's much, much deeper than outward appearance, but don't feel bad about asking for advice on hairstyles or clothing or feminine etiquette—if you haven't been around it, it's not your fault, just ask for some help. I remember the first time I had to tie a tie. I almost burst into tears because I had no idea what to do and no male in the house to teach me. I had to go find some help and discovered men were more than willing to offer all kinds of help.

Let me be quick to add, though, that there's a lot of gender confusion in our culture, and that's a very serious problem. God designed male and female uniquely different. It's up to you to determine whether you just have a little "tom-boy" in you, which is harmless, or more seriously, whether you're somehow trying to reject the way God made you.

Every believer at some point needs to make peace with how God made us (either male or female), embrace it, celebrate it and walk in it as best we can. Maybe you need to make peace with God's unique design of you as a woman. I'm probably reading too much into it, but the fact that your mom's comment and the nickname that she gave you so long ago is still fresh in your memory, might be an indication that there is some hurt there that needs to be explored. That's armchair psychology, but it might be worth praying about.

Here's my advice. First of all, take this to God in prayer and begin asking Him to open your eyes to what His desire is for you from a feminine standpoint. A good prayer to begin praying is, "God, I want to be exactly the person you made me to be. As I behold your glory, transform me so that I radiate your glory as you desire a woman to do."

Second, seek the opinions of others on this, especially other females who you know and trust. Just share with them what you've shared with me and ask their honest opinions. And, if need be, ask for their help.

Third, your relationship with this guy needs a major overhaul. It doesn't sound like the two of you are actively putting Christ at the center of your relationship. You're over-the-line physically. You don't mention it but I'm guessing you're not holding yourself accountable to anyone. And I have a hunch that the two of you are not together seeking God's direction for the relationship. If these things are true, your problems are much more foundational than what I've addressed.

From the moment you read this, immediately stop letting him have the kind of access you've been giving him sexually, and do what I told the young lady to do in Preference or Sin. Find people who will hold you accountable. And bring Christ in as the third Person in this relationship, and together, daily (since you're together every day anyway), ask Him to start leading it. I promise you, if the both of you agree to do this, God will bring light to whatever issues you need to address (be they feminine or masculine) and much, much more.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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