DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am a happily married 34-year-old woman. My husband and I are active members of our church; we've been married for nine years.

Last year, a man four years younger than I am guest-played in our worship band. He is very attractive and talented. We got close the first time we met. He continued to play with our praise band, and I had constant communication with him because I coordinated the band's practice schedule. We had long conversations every time I contacted him about scheduling. We really enjoyed talking to each other on the phone, and we text each other constantly.

We had plans of seeing each other for coffee or for a snack together with our friends but it didn't push through.

Here is my question: Have I established an inappropriate relationship, even though both of us know we are involved with somebody else?

REPLY

Typically we stick to issues with singles, but this is a good topic for singles to understand, and, in fact, it does involve a single man.

You know the answer. Of course it is inappropriate. He's not a "younger man." The two of you are practically the same age. Viewing him as a "younger man" is merely an attempt to convince yourself and maybe others that a romantic relationship with him would be out of the question because of his age. He's closer in age to you by two years than my wife is to me. No, he's just a man, and a very attractive and talented one with whom you have had nearly constant communication since you met him. What part of that scenario could possibly be appropriate, unless he is your twin brother?

I can't imagine that your husband approves, if in fact he has any clue as to the depth of your relationship with this man. My guess is that he doesn't have any idea of either the amount or the significance of communication between you and this other man.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot. What if your husband had struck up a relationship with a new and very attractive and talented co-worker that was four years his junior? What if they were text-messaging one another constantly and having long conversations on the phone, discussing when they might be able to meet for coffee? I doubt you or anyone else would call that appropriate behavior for a married man.

I'm sure I'm not telling you what you don't already know, but you're having an emotional affair, which is how most sexual affairs begin, and you need to end this immediately. You need to explain to this man that the relationship you share with him is entirely inappropriate for a married woman, and to protect him, yourself and your marriage, you are going to greatly limit your contact with him. Or you might determine that you need to eliminate it altogether. You need to find yourself a trusted female friend who will hold you accountable to doing just that.

It sounds like God has helped you and your husband make it through some difficult times. He has brought the two of you together for a purpose. Don't let the enemy destroy that. Go into your prayer closet and fight for your marriage and your love for your husband, and ask God how you can cultivate a marriage that brings Him glory. Then do what God shows you to do. That's a sure way to affair-proof your marriage, honor your husband and bring pleasure to your heavenly Father.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

What do you think about Christian singles living with members of the opposite sex? I have two friends (a man and a woman) who work for a college campus ministry organization, and live in a house together.

All told, there are four young men and the woman living in this house. My male friend has a girlfriend, but the rest of the young men and the woman are all single. I say that unmarried men and women should not live together, whether they are dating, cohabitating or just roommates. I seem to be the only one in my Bible study with this opinion.

Since my friends are merely roommates, and not romantically involved, everyone else seems to think their living arrangement is acceptable. I say it's not, since it is not a good witness and goes against what we all profess about couples not living together before marriage.

What are your thoughts?

REPLY

You are dead on. It is a very poor witness for Christian singles of the opposite sex — in ministry no less! — to be living in the same house together. They are damaging their credibility as Christians and especially leaders in ministry.

What if a single young guy and girl who attend their campus ministry meetings want to move in together "just as roommates"? What will their counsel be? "Well, the two of you shouldn't do that, because it looks bad, but if you can find about 3 or 4 other guys or girls it's OK." Huh?

Christians who believe it's OK to have opposite-sex roommates or housemates (we'll leave cohabiting for another time) have made two very significant mistakes in their thinking.

One, they have agreed with the feminists, who for 40 years have tried to get us to believe that, outside a few plumbing issues, men and women are essentially the same, that there is nothing uniquely masculine about men, nor feminine about women. We can be great buddies, fight alongside each other in combat, share public restrooms, and live together! This flies in the face of scripture. Men and women aren't the same. To throw a girl in the mix of a bunch of guys living together, and think it's essentially the same as throwing another guy in there, is a victory for the feminists. "Oh, we won't be tempted sexually, we're just friends!" And all the feminists said, "Amen!" (Of course the feminists wouldn't care so much about temptation — casual hook ups are like shaking hands).

Two, as Christians these young people have a responsibility to live in such a way that it benefits and builds up others. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 says, "'All things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful,' but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." In a college setting, where the hook-up culture is doing everything it can to tear down healthy relationships between guys and girls, Christians should be making every effort to live as counter-cultural to that as possible. Opposite-sex roommates send a weak message to a world that desperately needs a salt-saturated standard.

I hope you'll keep urging them to change their living arrangements, for their sake, for the sake of those who are watching them, and for the Lord's sake, who commands us to "do all to the glory of God."

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.