Dear "Boundless Answers: Women" readers,

Last time I answered a question from a single mom who's dating a man she's thinking about marrying despite her family's pleas to end the relationship. Included in my answer was part of an "Ask Theophilus" column by J. Budziszewski where he answered a similar question from a single mom wanting to know if she should be looking for a husband.

After my column ran, I heard back not only from the mom in a dating relationship, but also from the mom in the Ask Theo column, the one looking to date. Both women are convinced their situations are unique; that their desire to date and marry, even marry non-believers, is possibly acceptable.

What stood out is that both women, after justifying their ongoing romantic relationships, apologized to me for not taking my advice.

It's odd to be in a situation of giving advice and then hearing back from people who say they appreciate it, but apologize for not taking it, and then ask for more because they enjoy reading it.

One of the letters read,

Your advice would be sorely appreciated. I can't promise I'll take it, but I'd at least like the opportunity to consider your perspective :) Thank you.

I don't want to belabor the point, but for the sake of the children in these situations, as well as all the other children of single moms who may be listening in, I thought it was worth another column.

What follows is both a response to their follow up questions (portions of which are included) as well as a more general point about taking advice, whomever it's from.

The dating mom wrote,

I am still with my boyfriend, but I've been praying over it a lot. The moodiness dissipated after he graduated, got a job and stopped letting his dad bully him, and he's been going to church some. He really loves my son, and my son loves him. I am quite sure that he would never, ever hurt either of us, or I would leave him immediately. I'm not trying to ignore godly counsel by staying with him. It just that he's my best friend, and he has always been here for me (we've known each other for years), and I just want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing before I throw this away. Right now we are taking it a little more slowly, and I am weighing things carefully in my mind. Having those feelings for my son's dad out of the way has helped tremendously, but I just am questioning the general wisdom of me being involved with anyone. Like I said, you have given me a lot to think about.

My sister, who I have always considered wise, has reversed her former opinion and now says that my boyfriend is a suitable husband. I really just don't know what to do.

I hope you don't feel like your words were wasted since I haven't dumped my boyfriend. It's just that, for all his faults, he has always been there to rescue me and to lift me back up. He cared about me long before I was interested in him, and he's the only person who has ever really loved me in a healthy way. My feelings for him have grown since I stopped caring for my son's dad, and it makes it that much harder to walk away.

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my letter and for taking me seriously. Again, I apologize for waiting so long to respond and for not immediately acting on your advice.

Dear Reader, I love marriage because I love God and His creation. Marriage is a significant part of His creation. He set it apart as the institution that pictures His own love relationship with His church. It grieves me to see something foundational to His Kingdom, as well as to our healthy society, under attack from every side. Not only is the culture at war with marriage as God designed it, even segments of the Christian population seem complicit in tearing it down.

I'm not, however, saying marriage at any cost. Any marriage outside of God's design, far from being a picture of Christ and His church, makes a mockery of God. How we as believers marry and behave within marriage shows the world about God. If we violate His plan for marriage, our marriages lie to the world about the true nature of God.

That is why Paul admonished believers not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. A man who merely claims to be a Christian or who "goes to church some" hasn't demonstrated evidence of being a follower of Christ. And nothing less will do for a husband. What harm you think he is or is not capable of is not enough. What really matters is the fruit in his life. Does he bear the evidence of the Holy Spirit? Is he loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self-controlled?

Consider what one reader of the Boundless Line had to say about the deceptive nature of romantic relationships:

I was briefly in an abusive relationship, and the scariest part of it was that the guy didn't think he was doing anything wrong — and the longer I was with him, the more I became convinced of that, too. We need to protect ourselves from cultural influences that can potentially warp our ways of thinking, especially our ways of thinking about love.

My goal is to give advice based on Biblical wisdom. I do my best to prayerfully write this column and hope that I point readers to principles grounded in the Bible. Because what really matters is what He says. That's why it's essential to be in His Word every day, reading, studying, memorizing. Then you'll be able to measure my advice, or the advice of anyone in your life, including your sister, against the true standard. But it's not enough to find an article, sermon, or friend that tells you what sounds good for your situation. It's not even enough to find a scripture that applies. To make truly wise decisions, you must consider the whole counsel of Scripture.

Two passages worth meditating on are 2 Timothy 2:15:

Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.

... and Matthew 6:33-34:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The more you seek God's will by studying His Word, the more the Holy Spirit has an opportunity to speak truth to your heart.

I hope readers will understand that I don't expect them to apologize if they ask a question that I answer and then they don't take my advice; even if the advice they rejected was sound and biblical. The only one they need to consider when accepting or rejecting advice is the Lord. Did they obey His Word? If not, He's the one whose forgiveness they should seek.

Psalm 51:4 says:

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

May God embolden you both to faithfully obey His Word.

Every blessing,
CANDICE WATTERS

* * *

If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.