DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

Dear Candice:

My boyfriend wants to work with a campus ministry. This ministry requires both the husband and wife to do campus ministry together (that is, she can not have a secular job). I do not share my boyfriend's giftings toward formal ministry, and cannot do it well. What should we do ... can we still be married? Would it be wrong for my boyfriend to choose marriage to me over working with the ministry?

REPLY

It's hard to imagine a ministry that would formally forbid a wife from working in a non-ministry field, but assuming such a requirement exists, I'll try to answer your question. One of the main reasons God made Eve for Adam was to provide "a helper suitable for him." Her primary role as wife was helper. A big part of being a man's "help meet" is to support him in his primary role as provider. That means supporting him in his work.

Specifically, if your boyfriend is pursuing campus ministry and it requires his wife's participation and he has asked you to be his wife, part of that request, whether stated or implied, includes your participation in his work. If you're not willing to fit in with his plans, and your goal is a godly, biblical marriage, it's best that you not marry him.

That said, unless He's disobeying God by choosing you over the ministry, I don't see why he might not change his career plans to make marriage possible. As long as you're not giving him an ultimatum — "Me or the ministry, buster" — effectively taking on the leadership of the relationship, he may indeed choose to change his plans, especially if those plans were made before he met you.

A lot of this depends on your boyfriend and his sense of professional calling. If he sees himself in ministry and you're not willing to be a part of that, he would be wise to end the relationship now, for the benefit of both of you.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

For the past few years now I've felt it my calling to join the military, more specifically the Marines. The only problem is, my parents are completely against it. In their opinion, women are not fit for the military. The only thing they want for their daughter is a Ph.D. in some high paying career, a wealthy and overly amazing husband, a nice (preferably large) house and grandkids (somewhere along the line). Pretty much the American dream right?

Well lately, Every time they've asked about my future aspirations, I've had to shrug it off since I'm sick of fighting about it. If you're wondering how I know for sure they don't want me enlisting because I'm a female, I'll tell you. It's because they've told me point blank, just came right out and said, "You can't join because you're a girl."

I truly believe its God's will for me to join the military. I've spent time in prayer and laying it before God and believe this is my calling. I'm old enough to enlist without parental consent, and if I have to I might just do that. But the way I've grown up, I want my parents to give me their blessing. Is it wrong for them to withhold their blessing on me just because of sexist notions?

It's really become a battle inside of me. I don't know if I should go through with it or not. How can I honor my parents if I go against them? I don't want end up regretting my life later on and worse, one day resenting them.

REPLY

I'm not sure you can honor them if you defy them and enlist anyway. Nor am I certain you understand the nature of what you'd be defying them for. The military is nothing if not an exercise in obedience, honor, submission and following rules whether you like and agree with them or not. You're having a heck of a time submitting to your parents' authority in your life — it's hard to imagine you submitting to a relentless drill sergeant.

I'm not saying you should never enlist, but that given your current state of mind, you should not enlist now.

You say your parents are against your military aspirations because of sexist notions. I must say that I agree with your parents. The military, and most certainly the Marines, is no place for young women. Call me sexist if you will, but I call it common sense. God designed women to help men in their calling to provide for and protect their families. He made us to bear and raise children, to nurture, to sustain. We are physically smaller in stature and weaker than men (generally speaking). Soldiering requires brute force: both physically and emotionally. It's a vocation uniquely suited to men.

That's not to say there are no roles within the military that are well-suited to the gifts and talents of women. But I must say in no uncertain terms that I am absolutely opposed to women in combat. It weakens our military position to have women at risk of capture and torture (how foolish to require men who are trained to defend and protect suddenly have to abide and silently bear the torture of their fallen female soldiers or risk giving ground to the enemy). It dulls our understanding of the reality that women (and children) need to be protected.

And worst of all, it often sends mothers of young children, even infants, into combat zones. I've seen too many stories in our local paper — this being a military town — about moms having to find long-term babysitting for their infants and preschool children as they and their husbands are preparing to ship out to other parts of the world. The government is required by law to treat all soldiers — men, women, single, married, parents — the same. It doesn't make exceptions if you happen to have little children at home.

It's unconscionable. I suspect your parents, by saying "you can't join, you're a girl," have much of this in mind and are simply using a shorthand phrase to make their point. And even if they're not thinking this way, I hope you will. You are contemplating a serious and long-term commitment that could very well cost you your life. And there are no guarantees that in the ensuing years you won't fall in love and want to marry and start a family. What will you do then?

Please continue praying. Please continue talking with your parents. And please consider getting counsel from other wise and godly mentors. This is no small decision you are contemplating.

Taking more time to weigh these issues and come to an agreement with your parents will be well worth the wait. Your relationship with them and the rest of your family is too important to toss aside so you can pursue this desire.

I pray God will give you wisdom,
CANDICE WATTERS

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.