DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am attracted to someone in my church; he has always been in my church but I have never felt attracted to him before.

Recently my relationship with my boyfriend has ended because he is an unbeliever and wanted me to continue in premarital sex with him which I was not happy with. I still care for him deeply, but all of a sudden I have developed these feelings for this church member and I do not know him.

We just shake hands as a sign of peace but we do not talk. I also had two dreams about him; once he was wearing an engagement ring and once, a wedding ring. I'm not sure if it means anything but could it possibly have a connection to him being my future spouse?

REPLY

Thanks for writing. I think you've done the right thing in breaking up with your unbelieving boyfriend — especially since you were having sex with him. While your long term goal should be marriage to a believer (see 2 Corinthians 6:14-15), before you start a new relationship with anyone, you should first confess, repent from and seek forgiveness for your sexual sin. If you try to skip this step, you're setting yourself up for a repeat of the relationship you just left.

As for the man in your church, keep in mind that attraction is merely a starting point. It's not enough to build a relationship on, and at this point in your journey, it seems to be a distraction and temptation more than anything. You have some serious business to do with Lord in order to clear your conscience of your disobedience, not the least of which is misrepresenting your faith and relationship with Christ to your unbelieving ex-boyfriend.

About the dreams: We often dream about things that occupy our waking thoughts. They're often just extensions of our desires, nothing more. Please don't infuse them with a significance that's likely not there. Too many people have made life-altering decisions based on a dream or two with dire consequences.

The Old and New Testaments recount how God used dreams to speak to his followers. Dreams are one way God speaks, even today. Acts 2:16-18 says:

No, this is what was spoken by the prophet Joel:
"In the last days, God says,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your young men will see visions,
your old men will dream dreams.
Even on my servants, both men and women,
I will pour out my Spirit in those days,
and they will prophesy...."

But dreams aren't the only way God speaks to us. His primary mode of communicating to us is through Scripture. The possibility for Divine communication via dreams is not a guarantee. If what you're feeling, based on dreams, contradicts Scripture, you can be certain the dreams are merely wishful thinking.

If you stop thinking about this man during the day, I suspect your thoughts of him while sleeping will diminish. That may sound easier said than done, but the human mind is a powerful thing. You can turn your thoughts elsewhere when he comes to mind. And the more you do so, the less frequently you'll be tempted to daydream.

Based on what you've told me, I think the relationship you should be most focused on right now is that with your pastor (or his wife) or a mentor: someone with whom you can pray for forgiveness and talk with about ways you can avoid sexual sin in the future. They may be able to help you get to the point where you're ready to start a new romantic relationship with someone who has the potential to be your husband.

I pray this admittedly difficult advice motivates, helps and encourages you.

Blessings,
CANDICE WATTERS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I attend an Independent Baptist Church in Sydney, Australia. The pastor and his family are American. The pastor has four lovely sons and I have fallen hopelessly for the eldest son. He is the most Christ-like, gentle, kindest, sweetest young man I have met.

I'm attracted to him so much that whenever he walks by, my heart feels like it goes to honey; if there were any man I would want to marry it would be him.

What should I do about it? I mean I have prayed and tried to commit it to the Lord but these strong feelings will not leave. Am I obsessing too much about him and marriage? Candice, I really need help with this one! What is a girl to do when there is a handsome saved gentleman who crosses her path every Sunday and Tuesday and crosses her mind in between?

REPLY

Unlike the reader's question above, you're in a very different situation. Her role at present is to focus exclusively on getting right with God to the exclusion of any romantic relationships. Yours may well be to focus on getting married. A couple of questions before I answer your question, though. How old are you? Are your parents part of your church body? Does this young man know you — are you friends?

Regardless of your answers, what you shouldn't do is pursue him. If, however, you are of marrying age, are in a position to get married, and are not too much older than he is, then you can rejoice that you know a godly man who makes your heart melt. Ready? Close your eyes and smile. And sigh. Enjoy it. It's a wonderful feeling — one many single women are still waiting to experience.

Enjoy, but don't obsess. You need a game plan; some action to get you moving in the right direction in the event he feels (or could feel) the same way about you.

For starters, be his friend. He's your brother in Christ and simple kindness can go a long way toward building a relationship. Do you share common interests? Pursue them. When I first met Steve and my heart turned to honey (I love that metaphor), I found out what book he was reading and I started reading it too so we'd have something to talk about. It was a far cry from taking the lead in the relationship. But it was an intentional and strategic way to "roll out the red carpet." You don't want to remove the risk — the man needs to be the one to initiate. But your kindness sends the message that you're worth risking for.

After that, relax. Enjoy the friendship and see what happens. Don't obsess and don't stalk.

But don't stop there. If your parents are part of the church and you have a good relationship with them, confide in them. Ask them what they think about your suitability (and his) for marriage in general, and to him in particular. If your parents aren't part of your church body, aren't believers, or aren't interested in helping you marry well, find another older married couple you admire and respect. Ask for their input. And ask for their prayers. You can agree together for God's wisdom as well as for your ongoing spiritual development.

Be open to mentoring and the challenges mentors bring to your life.

Even if this young man ends up marrying someone else, you'll be a stronger believer and a better potential wife when the right man does come along.

I wish you well,
CANDICE WATTERS

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.