DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I'm writing you because I really don't know what else to do. I am 20 years old, going on my fifth year of college. I really hate college, and find myself screwing things up, dropping out of classes, and racking up student debt continuously. My family is very concerned for me, and I keep disappointing them. My mom keeps trying to get me to see a Christian counselor who has helped my sister quite a bit, and I don't object, but I'm too lazy to arrange the meeting. I have two roommates from my church who seem to be doing fine. I hate schoolwork so much; it feels like acid to try to complete it.

The truth is, I really hate life in general. Sunday is the most miserable day of the week. I physically strike myself in the middle of church, because I'm flipping out. I want to scream and explode during the service, like some crackhead or kid with ADD. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I like to leave as soon as I can, though usually I don't, having to give rides to family or friends who wish to stay longer.

I just met with my pastor, at his initiative, for counseling, but I probably didn't adequately convey the seriousness of my misery, likely because I wasn't feeling particularly bad that day. The way I explained my plight to him probably seemed kind of a joke. He gave me sound advice, telling me that we all can get discouraged and turn to daydreaming if we forget the purpose God has for us. But I can't forget something I never knew. I don't feel useful. I really don't want to live any longer, as I can't see anywhere for my life to go. I often consider joining the Marines, as some drastic move to whip me into shape, but I'm afraid that it wouldn't change anything, and perhaps it would just consume more years of my life. What would I do after that?

I guess I have a pretty gifted mind (I was an A student most of my school life), I hear, but I'm incredibly lazy, and I've never felt very skilled at anything. My major is physics, and I find the subject fascinating, but I can't imagine being useful in any related job, or any job whatsoever. I feel like my life is that poster that shows all those bent nails and says something like "Incompetence: If you think you can make up for your lack of skill by redoubling your efforts, there's no limit to what you can't do."

It seems bizarre to me, that where I work, and much of my life in general, people seem to love me, but I feel like I'm really slow and often messing up. My managers, who are not Christians, say I'm such a great guy, and I wonder if that's where I'm supposed to say something like, "Well, that's just Christ within me, gals!" But I might feel hypocritical of such a testimony, with what a morbid wreck I've been the past months. Why do so many people, at work, in my family, and at church, love me so much? I feel nowhere near worthy of it.

I think of all these things that my heart desires, that I'm probably supposed to obtain, like a college degree, vocational skills, a solid career, a godly wife, and a family, and I really don't have faith that God can bring that about. I'm such a pathetic pile of sloth, how could I ever acquire those things? Surely my heart desires skills, societal purpose, emotional and physical intimacy, but my flesh wants to tell me it's too hard; it's not worth it. That's far too much work; just keep some forgettable, simple job and live alone all your life, enjoying more and more of the petty pleasures you already have, like sugar and video games.

I'm so scared to sign up for another term of college, considering how I keep doing worse and worse. At the start of this school year, I had the chance to graduate by June '09, but I've probably destroyed that chance by now. Truth is I don't want to do anything; any job I have, no matter how low on the economic ladder, I'll feel pathetic and incompetent.

Yet the fact that I'm writing this letter shows that I must know this is a wrong state of mind. I know the Bible commands us to have joy, hope, and a positive attitude about life, and though I want to say I don't have faith that I ever could, I must have some shred of belief that it's possible. I have prayed quite a bit about this, but lately not so much, because it hurts to pray or read the Bible. It feels trite, like I'm reading or speaking the same words from or to God; what good does it do to keep asking God for help? Nothing is improving. Yet He seems to keep giving me more chances, keep cutting me more slack, stirring my professors to be more gracious than I think they ought, and sending holidays and snow days to my school. But these seem to stir me to more laziness, and I'm deathly afraid of a great chastening coming my way.

How do I change? Should I stay in college? What am I supposed to do?

REPLY

I will preface my answer by saying I agree with those people who love you and who've encouraged you to seek professional, Christ-centered counseling. I think it's great that you've met with your pastor, and I hope that continues, but based on your note, I think you could be dealing with some depression issues that need to be addressed by a licensed counseling professional.

You can start by talking to one of the Focus on the Family counselors who are available Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Mountain Standard Time at (719) 531-3400; just ask for the Counseling department at extension 7700. There is no charge, and someone there could help you make next steps.

You've been on my heart much since I received your note. I've been praying for you and asking God to help me encourage you. Anyone who has been in your place knows it can feel like your feet are frozen in cement blocks and even the slightest motion takes enormous effort. Maybe I can help take a little chip out of that concrete.

The thing that I immediately noticed from your note is how many times some version of the first-person pronoun "I" appears versus how many times reference to God appears. It's somewhere in the range of 70 to 5 or so. I have a couple of thoughts about that.

First, you are absolutely right. The human condition is what you've described, only much worse. Brought to its natural conclusion, the human condition is a dead end street, giving us little reason for even getting out of bed in the morning. We are foolish, disobedient, deceived, enslaved, hating everything and being hated. There is, in fact, nothing good that dwells in us, that is, in our flesh. We are wretched and completely self-absorbed.

Second, the only thing to pry us out of that condition is the power of Christ, to whom nuclear energy is but a microscopic spark. He is absolute mercy, perfect love, and precisely sovereign over your every breath.

Merely being in this Person's presence causes our heart to miraculously transform, our mind to be completely renewed, from self-absorption to God enthrallment. This is more than mere positional change; this is experiential change.

Empty religious activity does not bring about this kind of change. Meditating and concentrating and soaking ourselves in the character and person of God and in His unspeakable goodness toward us is what transforms. Over time He replaces us as the central figure in our story, and the fog lifts and the transforming power of God rescues us from self and delivers us into a world where He is our all-consuming vision.

All of those first-person "I's" become third-person "Him's." Yes, I am depraved. But He is magnificent. He reaches through the twisted metal of my wrecked life and pulls me out into His marvelous light.

You need more than mere church attendance. You need to be facedown, pleading with God, as Moses did, "Let me see your glory!" You need the very Person of God to invade your life. This should be every believer's reality, and I believe you can make it yours.

No, not every moment will be a blissful transcendence above all things difficult. But over time there will be progress in seeing things through His lens if you make it your life's aim to know this Christ. He will change your heart and I promise you, that darkness will lift.

Let me offer a suggested prayer to get you going. May God burn this (or some variation) into your heart!

Father, You are the Sovereign God of all that is. You are a real, present and powerful God who leads my prayers and answers them. I've never breathed a breath that You have not ordained nor watched over. You stand ready to reveal Your glory to me and to heal my blinded eyes, that I might see You every day, through every circumstance. I confess that in my flesh there is no good thing. Left alone, I am wretched and lost, held captive by forces beyond my control. But I shout with thanksgiving, for You have sent Your Son to rescue me from all that keeps me from experiencing Your transforming power and glorious presence, and You have graciously opened my eyes to His truth. You have spared no expense in rescuing me. Lead me in repentance; teach me the prayers that lift me out of the fog; illuminate your Scriptures; and live through me by the power of Your Spirit. Deliver me from darkness into Your marvelous light. Above all, God, take all that has been meant for my harm by the enemy and redeem it for Your glory and my eternal good, for I know that is Your heart toward me.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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Focus on the Family has a staff of more than 20 licensed Christian counselors available to talk with you. If you are struggling with depression or mood disorders and would like to talk with one of them, please call (719) 531-3400 Monday-Friday 9-4:30 (Mountain time), and ask for the Counseling department at extension 7700. One of the counselors' assistants will arrange for a counselor to call you back at no charge to you.

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.