DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I'm 28 and single. I recently got out of a relationship with an unbeliever and I'm really struggling. I've been saved for a while and I thought that I could "help" him get himself together, but I guess I was fooling myself. My family didn't approve of him, but I was smitten and didn't listen to them. I just figured they didn't understand him.

Although I'm a Christian girl our relationship lead me to partake in sexual behaviors I wasn't comfortable with and left me feeling empty, but I figured I would do it anyway.

Things started to go sour and he stood me up on Valentines day. I was so hurt, but he didn't seemed fazed.

The other day I found out he has been cheating on me for five months, so I broke it off with him and he didn't say anything. I was trying to ask him the typical girl question "why" but he won't return my calls. I'm super sad and heartbroken. I want him back, although that sounds completely ridiculous. I miss him!

What should I do?

REPLY

Thank you for trusting us enough to write with your question. You are in an understandably painful situation. I'm not at all surprised that you miss your boyfriend or that you want him back, even given the fact that you knew all along that you shouldn't be dating him. The bonding that God designed sex to produce within marriage takes place whether the couple is husband and wife or not. And when a sexually united couple is split, whether by divorce or by breakup, it's like tearing a person in half. Sex is that powerful. That's precisely why it's so important to reserve it for marriage.

I say all this not to be redundant (I've talked about this before on Boundless) but to help you see that you must do exactly what you don't want to: You must turn and run from this relationship. That means no more calls and no more questions about why. Think of your pain like what you feel when you touch a hot stove. A dating relationship with a non-believer, especially one that involves sex, is a red hot burner. Let the pain from your burns empower you to never touch the stove again.

I think it's a mercy that your boyfriend was cheating if only because it means he's likely already moved on to one or more women and you won't be able to get back together with him. I hope that is the case because it will make it a bit easier for you to close the door on this relationship. A door that MUST be closed. Your future happiness, as well as the state of your soul depend on it. Why? Because you, a Christ-follower, could never be happily married to a man who does not share your faith, and the chances are great that he would pull you away from your faith, rather than you pulling him toward yours.

How can you move on? You must start by going to the foot of the cross, acknowledging your sin and the way you "fooled" yourself, and asking for Christ's forgiveness. This requires not just repenting for the things you did about which you feel bad, but also those you may not yet regret. Anything you've done against God's law is sin. But it's not enough to say you're sorry, you must also turn away. That is true repentance. And it's the essence of why Christ came to die for us.

But He didn't just die. He rose victorious. And in His resurrection lies the power to help you turn from your sin and begin the work of becoming more like Him. If you've received Christ's gift of salvation, acknowledging Him as your Lord and Savior, then you may ask the Helper, the Holy Spirit, to give you the courage and ability to walk in righteousness in this area. Not only will He empower you to resist these sins in the future, He can heal the pain you're feeling.

But don't stop there. After you've gotten right with the Lord, ask for your family's forgiveness. They were likely trying to help you avoid making these very mistakes. Thank them for that and ask them to help you move on and do better next time. Receiving their forgiveness will go a long way to restoring those familial relationships that matter so much. And let them know that you do want their input and help in the future, when other potential dates enter your life. Getting feedback about potential mates from the people who know us best and love us most (whether that's your parents, pastors or mentors) is an invaluable part of marrying well.

I pray you'll follow through on your hunch that this whole mess began with some wrong decisions, seek forgiveness and turn away from your sin and toward healing and restoration.

Blessings,
CANDICE WATTERS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I need your insight on a question that's been bothering me for some time. I'm 30 years old, never married, and the only one in my circle of friends who's single and childless. In the past couple of months I met and began dating a wonderful man, and while we're very compatible and I enjoy spending time with him, I also still appreciate my alone time and don't feel any sense of urgency about the relationship.

I've realized in the past couple of years that I'm content being single. I have lived like I'm preparing for marriage and seek out godly men, but I'm perfectly happy to wait on God's timing. And yet, beneath the peace and contentment is an undercurrent of fear — divorce is epidemic in my family, and I'm afraid of being as miserably unhappy as my parents were with each other and with their current spouses.

So what I wonder is, by declaring myself "content" with my singleness, am I really just hiding from the fact that commitment scares me to death? Am I selling myself short? Am I finding peace with God's plan or am I just chickening out?

REPLY

The short answer is yes, I believe you are using your fear of divorce as the driving factor in how you handle relationships that have the potential to move to marriage. And when fear is at the forefront of your mind, it's hard to imagine that it wouldn't cloud your ability to discern "God's timing."

You are not consigned to repeating the marital failures that plague your family tree. You can break that cycle of relational chaos and there are some excellent resources available to help you do it. One of the best is John Trent's book Breaking the Cycle of Divorce. Trent was raised by a single mom but now has a strong marriage and family, and ministers to thousands of families nationwide. In addition to reading about strong relationships, you can begin to evaluate yours own to see if it has the potential to thrive.

According to the most recent State of Our Unions Report, "your chances of divorce may be lower than you think." The report is issued annually by the Marriage Project at Rutgers University and is among the most comprehensive and authoritative perspectives on the state of marriage in America. The 2007 report on the divorce rate states:

The background characteristics of people entering a marriage have major implications for their risk of divorce. Here are some percentage point decreases in the risk of divorce or separation during the first ten years of marriage, according to various personal and social factors:

• If you have an annual income over $50,000 (vs. under $25,000), your percent decrease in risk of divorce is 30 percent. [That's a 30 percent decreased risk of divorce.]
• Having a baby seven months or more after marriage (vs. before marriage) decreases your risk of divorce by 24 percent.
• If you marry over 25 years of age (vs. under 18), your risk of divorce goes down by 24 percent
• Religious affiliation (vs. none) decreases your risk by 14 percent
• Some college (vs. high-school dropout) decreases your risk by 13 percent

There are many things you likely already have going for you to decrease your risk of divorce. In addition to these indicators are some proactive things you can do.

Understand the Nature of the Marriage Vow — When you vow to stay married, you're promising something that, by itself, is impossible to do. What's required goes far beyond feelings to a bedrock commitment: a decision of the will to stick it out no matter what. And for centuries of recorded history, people did. The notion of commitment is little honored in our culture, but it's what's required to stay married for life. Thankfully, in the context of Christian marriage, we have the benefit of divine power to help us keep those vows; our covenant of marriage. He is faithful.

Don't Follow the World's Way — Just because our culture allows no-fault divorce does not mean you have to avail yourself of it. Do you believe in divorce? Does he? It's important to have that conversation and answer that question before you go any further in the relationship. For a Christian couple, the notion of a back door of escape shouldn't be an option.

Get Good Input — As you're evaluating the potential of this man to be your mate, don't look to your family members who have failed in marriage for whether the two of you make a good match. Get that feedback from other, older believers whose marriages you admire (mentors, pastors, friends, etc.).

Ask Hard Questions Now — Don't wait until after the wedding, or even engagement, to start asking questions. It's best to know as much about this man and his convictions and beliefs before the wedding. Get some pre-engagement counseling and don't avoid the tough issues. Talk about money, does he live on a budget, do you? What about debt? Do you both want children? How soon? What about birth control? Do you attend the same church? What's your philosophy of how you'll educate your children? How are your family backgrounds similar, different? How will you reconcile the differences? What new traditions do you want to start together?

Embrace Community — It's essential that you walk through this in community for the benefit of good counsel as well as good modeling. And not just while you're dating or engaged, but also, even more importantly, once you're married. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." But it's not just the wisdom for making critical decisions that you need. Since you grew up without examples of what good marriages look like, you need replacement models. You need to see what it means to work through conflict instead of letting it drive the relationship apart. You need to see healthy intimacy that improves the relationship rather than false intimacy that rots it.

Fill Your Mind and Heart with Truth — I think it would be very helpful for you to do a Scripture study on the word "fear" and start memorizing and quoting the passages about Jesus taking your fear away. It's never wise to make decisions out of fear. They will always be skewed not toward what's wise or best, but toward what's least likely to leave you hurt. Only when you're free from fear will you be able to think clearly about who will make a godly husband, with strong character, able to follow through on his vows.

As much as the enemy hurt you through the divorce of your parents, don't allow him another victory by letting that keep you from a God-honoring marriage. Just because your parents blew it doesn't mean marriage is to blame. It's still a wonderful state — designed by God for our GOOD and His glory! I know from personal experience that when you marry well — and you can, even when you've grown up under people who married poorly — it's one of the best things we can experience this side of heaven.

You can make your marriage last. Listen to what theologian Elton Trueblood wrote more than 50 years ago:

A successful marriage is not one in which two people, beautifully matched, find each other and get along happily ever after because of this initial matching. It is, instead, a system by means of which persons who are sinful and contentious are so caught by a dream bigger than themselves that they work throughout the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come true. (The Recovery of Family Life, 56-57)

The hope we have in Christ is that when believers marry and together they commit to a lifetime of working to become more like Christ, their marriage will not only not end in divorce, but will bear much fruit.

I pray God will make you fearless, strong, and courageous!

Blessings,
CANDICE WATTERS

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.