DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

My fiancé and I have an absolutely wonderful relationship except one thing keeps digging in the back of my heart. Whenever she mentions past relationships or past experiences with those relationships, I tend to find myself shutting off. I have seen pictures of her and those relationships and every time I see it, it really, really hurts. Now, this is the question. Is this something that I need to overcome in myself or is this something that I need to talk to her about?

REPLY

Of course you need to talk with her about it. If the situation were reversed and there was something that you were saying or doing that really, really hurt her every time it happened, wouldn't you want to know about it?

You guys are soon to be married. It doesn't matter what is causing the hurt; now is not the time to make a habit of stuffing your feelings.

Past relationships are something most couples have to address at some point, so this is not anything out of the ordinary. Just tell her exactly what you told me. Tell her that whatever is irrational about what you're feeling, you obviously want to change, and whatever way she can support you with that will help a lot.

In terms of who needs to change, whether her or you, depends on the details and the context in which these old relationships percolate into your conversations.

If they come up naturally in conversation merely because they are a part of her life, like a vacation she once took or a school she attended, then it just sounds like some historical facts that shouldn't cause much heartburn, and the onus would be primarily on you to explore why the notion sets off some hurt — or maybe jealousy?

If, on the other hand, she seems preoccupied with her past relationships to the point that her current, and soon to be forever, relationship is filtered through the lens of the old, as if those past relationships serve as some reference point, then certainly she needs to work on not fixating on the rearview mirror.

The good and biblical approach to past relationships (and the past in general) is to rejoice over that which was of benefit to your growth in Christ (all of it ultimately is, both the good and the bad) and let God redeem and heal that which pulled you away from the King.

Though he wasn't necessarily speaking of past relationships, I think Paul's encouragement in Philippians is applicable to some degree here.

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13b-14).

Paul was referring to the old, sinful nature — the flesh — and all of the ways it manifested itself in past days. He said let's not let the past hold us back from what God has up ahead in Christ. "Wave goodbye to it," is my paraphrase, "and hello to all of the ways God is in front of us."

Together (that word is you and your fiancé's new mantra) the two of you need to cover whatever ground you need to cover about the past. If necessary repent, forgive, redeem, learn, rejoice and then start looking forward to what new things God has for the two of you as you become one flesh.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am currently finishing up grad school. I have recently received a great job offer from out of state. Only problem is, I have a good circle of Christian friends here. They're mostly working and becoming established here. They tell me that I should stay here — not because I'm headed in the wrong direction, but because they're here. There are plenty of jobs in my field around here, so I am not forced to leave by economic necessity.

My dilemma boils down to this: If I take the job offer and leave, I feel like I would be needlessly leaving my friends. If I stay, I would be throwing away a great opportunity.

I would accept the out-of-state job offer for several reasons. I have lived here for most of my life and welcome the opportunity to try living in a different part of the country. Based on past experiences, I think this would greatly broaden my perspective. I also see it as a rite of passage — to strike out on my own, away from where I grew up and from that which I am familiar with. I am young and unattached and these opportunities may disappear later in life.

Some of my friends understand this and some don't. I certainly don't want to leave them but I can't have my cake and eat it too. I'd actually be quite comfortable here, but I'd also be restless knowing what I might be missing if I stayed put.

While God can work out all things for good, that does not leave me off the hook for making wise and responsible decisions. Problem is, I'm not sure what is a proper, biblical view of this dilemma — "commitment" versus "adventure." Am I making a mistake if I end up making the move?

Thanks a lot, Boundless!

REPLY

It's a great compliment to you that your friends will miss you. I would expect any group of good friends to feel the same way. But you can't base major life decisions on whether you break up the gang. That's part of growing up.

Now, if you have a love-interest or some ministry opportunities that you have with that group, or you serve as some leader or mentor to them, and you sense that God wants you to stay and invest in some sort of discipleship role, then that's another story. Or, if you believe God has called you to that community of believers in the Body of Christ would be another very good reason to stay.

But to stay because your friends would miss you if you moved away is not reason enough.

Your decision is not between "commitment" and "adventure," unless you've committed to your friends that you'd never move out of town. I might be missing something, but I see nothing that would indicate you would break some trust by moving.

We all hate to see good friends move away, but it happens, whether by calling or career choice or school choice or just because you want to. For your friends to view this only from the perspective of how it will affect them is selfish. True friendship (love) wants what is best for you and for the call of God on your life and supports that in every possible way.

A Caution: What you don't want to do is move away and not be a part of any community of believers. It would be a mistake to move anywhere and be disconnected from Christian fellowship at the local level, when you have such a good network where you are. That's my main concern. If you decide to move, make sure you have a plan for plugging into the body of Christ where you land.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.