DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I'm in my early 30s and in a few months I'll be getting married to a wonderful Christian man God has blessed me with.

However, in my late teens and much of my 20s I was involved in an abusive Bible-based cult. With much prayer and support from family and friends, I left the group. Very soon after leaving I was raped repeatedly by a "friend" and became pregnant. Scared and feeling abandoned by God, I had an abortion. Though I deeply regret my abortion, I know God used the event to break and restore me.

Since then I've been in Christian counseling and been surrounded by an amazing loving community. My life has totally turned around and God has given me much joy and happiness.

Sparing him the details, my fiancé knows about the cult and even the rapes. Though it wasn't easy for him to come to grips with any of it, he's learned to trust God as he's seen how God has used much of those experiences for good.

But how am to tell him I've had an abortion? I've been advised by counselors not to tell him until we're married. In the meantime, as we're preparing for our marriage, I'm freaking out! My counselors offer no real sound advice. My family says he doesn't really need to know. I've read a thousand Christian blogs and books but nowhere do I see this topic being addressed! I know I'm not the only Christian woman who has had an abortion that she deeply regrets and will have to share it with her husband. Can you offer any advice or insight on my dilemma?

REPLY

I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to bare your soul with your fiancé, when what it was you were sharing was so painful. I remember talking through far less traumatic events in our past when Steve and I were still dating, and those were tough enough. But assuming you have a strong relationship with the man you're going to marry, and that he a man of high Christian character, I can also imagine that it was a great relief to finally have the secrets revealed. To feel his acceptance and unconditional love must have released a great weight from your shoulders.

And so I believe for several reasons, that you must tell him about the abortion, and you must do so before the wedding.

You ask how you are to tell your fiancé you had an abortion. I think that part is straightforward: You must pray for courage and as soon as possible, tell him the truth. Just like you told me: "I was raped repeatedly and I got pregnant and I had an abortion."

It won't be easy. Far from it. But to wait until after the wedding is to set up a potentially devastating confrontation at the time when you should be celebrating and settling into a new routine. The transition from engaged to newly-married can be overwhelming in itself, you certainly don't need the stress that such a post-wedding "bomb" would likely set off.

I don't see any benefit to concealing this from him another day. And certainly not until after the wedding. Frankly, I'm stunned and saddened by the bad advice you've been given by all those you've trusted to have your best interest at heart. The benefit of telling your fiancé before the wedding is that you can say, in effect, "I want to get everything out in the open so that you can trust that our marriage will be built on a foundation of trust and honesty." Yes, you will risk the possibility that he will say, "This is too much; I can't marry you." But if he's the man of godly character you believe him to be, that will not be the outcome.

There will certainly be pain and grief and maybe even a need to seek more premarital counseling to deal specifically with this issue, but it is, at its core, about forgiven sin. And so there is great hope that he will be able to extend the forgiveness that Christ has already given you, and move forward in the confidence that he is marrying an honest, redeemed woman.

The enemy loves to keep us in knots over the sins for which we've already been forgiven. Remember, he is the father of lies. The freedom you seek can only be found in telling the truth; shining the light on the dark corners of your life. And if you are to be united in the one-flesh union of Christian marriage, it's essential that you do it before you take that vow.

The alternative is to wait until after the wedding, when you will be hard-pressed to find any time that feels "right" for confessing. The temptation will be to keep putting it off for fear of upsetting your good marriage. But that will not ease your conscience, and you will never be able to fully rest in your husband's love, or be truly one, with a guilty conscience. You'll always feel like there's a part of you that he doesn't know, like there's something forever coming between you.

And when you do finally break down and tell him the truth, he may be tempted to always wonder if there's anything else. Regaining his trust at that point will be much more difficult, I believe, than it will be before the wedding. Not to mention that he may possibly feel like you tried to trap him. Far better to let him know now that because you respect him so much, and trust him to be a godly man, that you want to be completely honest.

Telling him may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but once he knows, the healing and restoration can begin. That's where the hope lies for your future happiness in marriage.

I'm praying for you that you find the strength to do this now — today if possible. I'd also encourage you, in light of what your counselors have been telling you, to seek out new, Biblically-grounded counsel.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

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Focus on the Family has a staff of more than 20 licensed Christian counselors available to talk with you. If you would like to talk with one of them, please call (719) 531-3400 Monday-Friday 9-4:30 (Mountain time), and ask for the Counseling department at extension 7700. One of the counselors' assistants will arrange for a counselor to call you back at no charge to you.

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

My problem involves my behaviors before I turned my life to Christ and how they're haunting me today. In the past five or six months, I've completely changed my life around. I grew up in a Christian family and accepted Christ ... I don't know how many times! In High School, I was all about living "the life," and then I got a serious boyfriend, college came, etc. I started thinking on my own, trying to run my own life as many young adults do. Let me fill you in on a little bit of my history.

• I dated a guy for four years in high school and college — he wasn't a Christian, we were sexually active.
• I dated on and off other guys for about year, sleeping around, thinking that's what it took to get over this guy — one night stands, you name it.
• I dated a guy from 2005-2007 — wasn't a Christian — we were sexually active — I found out in 2006 that I have HPV.

After my last boyfriend and I broke up, that is when I said, "OK, God, I'm through running my own life. You are my Father, my creator, my Savior and I need you." I turned to God and prayed that He would take over my life, and place His desires in my heart.

I can see the changes in my life. I'm more involved with Church, I'm in a Bible study for singles at my church, and my relationship with Christ has gone from "I don't need you" to "I can't live without you." I've recently made a promise to God that I will not be sexually active until I'm married; a freedom I never thought would feel so good!

Well, I started dating this guy who is ULTRA amazing! He leads a Bible study, he's a few years older than me, has a great job, and is hilarious. I wasn't attracted to him at first, but started to become more attracted as I started to hang out with him. I really felt like God had opened my heart and allowed me to like him. He is exactly what I would want in a husband, and in a father for my children. Great spiritual leader and everything else I've prayed for.

My fear is that my past will scare him off, especially the HPV. I've been praying about that and asking God to heal me, and I trust that He will. It may not be today or even next year, but I know that He will. But how can I continue dating this guy if my heart is going to be tugged into it, without bring this up? Should I let the right time come about, or should I wait until we're serious and start talking about marriage?

I know he has a past too, but I doubt he has an STD. He is forgiving and understanding, but when it comes to STDs, that affects both of us in the future. I'm worried that if things don't work out with this guy, that it won't work out with any guy who isn't willing to forgive or willing to marry me because of this filth in my body.

REPLY

Welcome to the life that is in Christ! It's such a joy to hear from readers who have been transformed by His saving grace and who are on the path to making their lives more like His. Because your active faith walk is so new, church involvement and mentoring is essential. You need lots of models in your life right now who can help you see what a faith lived-out is supposed to look like.

When a person who's been going their own way suddenly accepts Christ's gift of salvation, that's just the first step. It's the starting point on a journey. But what follows is just as important. How you go about revising all your old habits and relearning how to make wise decisions is an essential part of the process. It's what theologians call sanctification.

And when it comes to dating, even long-time believers are in need of some major sanctification. Sadly, sexual activity among singles isn't that different within the church than it is in the world. For this reason, and because you do have some long-practiced habits that you'll be battling, I think it's important that you pay special attention to your dating circumstances.

You can do a lot on the front end to ensure success when things start to get serious. Things like not being alone together, but rather being together where other people can see you; spending time as a couple with other, more mature, married couples; getting wise counsel from women you admire who have themselves married well; and both of you having someone, other than each other, who's holding you accountable for purity.

The added benefit of being this intentional about how you date is that you should know fairly soon if this is a relationship that has the potential to lead to marriage. And intentional, biblical, dating is a lot better at protecting your heart (and body) than the world's way.

If your relationship does have long-term potential, then I do think it's important to tell your boyfriend about your HPV infection, but only when it's clear that he is interested in pursuing you for marriage. To do so prior to that is, I believe, to burden him with a responsibility that outpaces his commitment. This assumes that you won't be dating him (or any other suitor) recreationally, but intentionally. After all, you've seen first hand where dating for fun can (and often does) lead.

Rest assured, I do not believe his response will be the measure for how any other man would respond. You are not precluded from marriage because of HPV. You are forgiven. But you will need to find a man who is courageous enough to take on the potential consequences that HPV often brings. This one may be that man. But if he runs, he's not the final word.

The last thing you should do is believe the lies of the enemy that this is somehow the one unforgivable, unredeemable sin. It's not. Just keep pressing into God, growing in your faith and maturity, and seeking out godly mentors (Titus 2:3-5). He is faithful; a God who redeems the years that the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25).

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.