DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I really love and appreciate your Web site. I've learned and grown so much as a result of reading so many of your articles.

As I've read, I have not found an answer to a problem that I am having to deal with and I was wondering if you could help me. I'm completely in love and courting a really incredible girl. We've known each other for over a year, and we both love each other and are on our way towards marriage.

Saying all this, I know that a talk will come soon about our past sexual experiences. I have never even kissed a girl yet, but I have much reason to believe that my girlfriend has already had sex with at least one if not two guys in her past. This thought really makes me sad.

Like I said, we will talk about this soon (in the coming months), but I was wondering if you could give me some help on how to work through this myself and some advice on how to make this conversation as grace-saturated as possible while addressing issues that are or could be important (not that I even know what consequences could come from her past choices or how it could affect our relationship and marriage).

The issues that affect me the most are just sadness of us possibly not being completely as close as we could be, insecurity of being compared to these other guys, and just having trouble dealing with the thought of this girl I love having been so close and intimate with another (or others).

I have no idea what she could be worried about or how I could best prepare to help her through this. I would appreciate any advice you could give me or point me to.

REPLY

I'm glad you wrote with a great question. This is one of those issues where the suffering of sin cuts so deeply and where the glory of the gospel shines so brightly. It's where the dark valley walks hand-in-hand with the bright mountaintop. It's where sorrow aches and forgiveness heals.

Whenever we look across the table and see sin, we have two responsibilities. First is to acknowledge it for what it is — not a bad decision, not a poor choice, not an innocent mistake — it is a sin. It is a sin against God first, and myself and others next. And sin calls for confession and repentance on the part of the one who sins. True repentance leads to change. It bears fruit for good. When we see it in others, we don't dismiss it; we call it what it is.

But because we too are depraved, when we look across that table and see sin, we have a second obligation; and that is to be part of the healing, forgiving and restoring process. We understand that, "But for the grace of God, that would be me." And in fact, it is me. No, I might not have committed the same sinful act, but my heart shares the same depravity. Scripture reminds us that none are righteous, and all have failed to live up to God's high standard of holiness....all but One.

Jesus showed us perfect response to people's personal sin. He exhibited the perfect balance of righteousness and compassion; justice and mercy. He called it the way He saw it without compromise, then He brought healing and hope and restoration.

I want to encourage you with two thoughts as you prepare for your conversation with her. First, you must have as your ultimate goal the glory of God. What I mean is that you can't see this as ultimately being about you, and you can't see this as ultimately being about her. This is about God. All of life is from Him, through Him and for Him. So as you think about this, you think as Christ would think. How could you do that, you ask?

That is thought number two. As a believer, you have been given the "mind of Christ." The very Spirit of Christ dwells in you. You have access to all of the discernment and wisdom of God. Additionally, you have the power of God to help you love, forgive, restore and celebrate the gift of grace: Christ taking your sin and her sin upon Himself, and paying our death sentence.

You can approach this just as Jesus would because He dwells in you, and that is not merely a great by-product of the gospel — it is our calling. We are the body of Christ. He has chosen the foolish things of this world, i.e., us, to love through, to live through, to forgive through, to restore through. As you lean into God, listening intently to His voice as you pray and meditate on the Scriptures, He will guide you perfectly.

On a practical note, whenever I have very significant events such as this that I know are coming my way, I will often spend a good bit of time praying over it, maybe for a couple of weeks or more each morning and throughout the day as God brings it to my mind. I'll also usually take a day or a few meals (or media or whatever) and fast while I focus that time I would have otherwise been eating or watching television to pray. I find that focused prayer and fasting helps to keep me from diving into something unprepared and leaving the door wide open for my flesh to rule me.

If the two of you discover that this is more difficult terrain than you can manage on your own, then don't be shy about reaching out for help through a mentoring couple or even a Christian counselor. I don't believe it will come to that, but be open to it just incase.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

* * *

If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.