DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I really love and appreciate your Web site. I've learned and grown so much as a result of reading so many of your articles.

As I've read, I have not found an answer to a problem that I am having to deal with and I was wondering if you could help me. I'm completely in love and courting a really incredible girl. We've known each other for over a year, and we both love each other and are on our way towards marriage.

Saying all this, I know that a talk will come soon about our past sexual experiences. I have never even kissed a girl yet, but I have much reason to believe that my girlfriend has already had sex with at least one if not two guys in her past. This thought really makes me sad.

Like I said, we will talk about this soon (in the coming months), but I was wondering if you could give me some help on how to work through this myself and some advice on how to make this conversation as grace-saturated as possible while addressing issues that are or could be important (not that I even know what consequences could come from her past choices or how it could affect our relationship and marriage).

The issues that affect me the most are just sadness of us possibly not being completely as close as we could be, insecurity of being compared to these other guys, and just having trouble dealing with the thought of this girl I love having been so close and intimate with another (or others).

I have no idea what she could be worried about or how I could best prepare to help her through this. I would appreciate any advice you could give me or point me to.

REPLY

In part one of my answer I discussed preparing your heart for your conversation with her about her past behavior and the need for you to view this not from your view or her view, but from God's view. I want to add to that some thoughts on walking through the repercussions that we all experience from past sin, especially those that impact our marriage.

Sometimes our sin sets into motion consequences that are like waves from a stone (or boulder!) thrown into water. Every case is unique — sometimes God intervenes and there are no repercussions when there should have been. At other times, He allows them. Whatever He chooses, we can be assured it is for His greater glory and our greater good.

One classic example of the tragic repercussions of sin is that of David and Bathsheba. David had an affair with another man's wife then arranged to have her husband killed. God nailed him on it, and David immediately awoke to his depraved and perverse behavior that he had previously justified. He goes into deep, sorrowful repentance. In the ultimate of tragic repercussions of sin, God in His sovereignty "afflicts" the child of David and Bathsheba and allows his death.

David was so repentant, those around him were worried about him. For seven days while the child was sick, David wouldn't eat; he wouldn't do anything but seek God's mercy. One can only imagine what that conversation between God and David was like, but we can rest assured that David came out of it a changed man for the glory of God. In the end, God takes the baby home. David has wrestled with God, confronted His sovereign glory, and accepts that even in David's tragic choices, God is in control.

So it is with our sin. Will there sometimes be dire consequences? Yes. You and your wife-to-be might struggle with not only her sexual past, but also with whatever ways you have allowed lust into your life, or a myriad of other sins you've both acted on. Memories might flare up; hurts could surface; shame could rear its head. It could be anything from a simple sharp pain in the heart to serious dysfunction (that might require outside help). The key is where you go from here.

Marriage is not only embracing another person's present and future, but also his (or her, in your case) past. One of the most exciting parts of marriage is partnering with God to bring healing to one another from past hurts, often caused by our own sin. We embrace this person who looks great from the front, and when we put our arms around her we discover all the wounds in her back, and she discovers ours. Guess what? You and God get to spend a lifetime enjoying the thrill of healing and restoration and being healed and restored. And what better way than through the warm, flesh-to-flesh, spirit-to-spirit bonding with another person?

The goal is not to run from those hurts, but to lock arms, openly discuss them, pray through them together and seek God together on how to experience His restoration, never looking down our noses at the other person.

If he had another chance would David had done it differently? I'm sure of it. Would your girlfriend? Of course. Would you? Yes. There are much better ways to get to know the goodness of God than through choosing to turn our backs to Him, causing Him and others grief and pain. (Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! Rom. 6:1-2) But if that is where we are, that is where we are.

Don't bury your problems, but don't let them control your life and marriage. Enter into it together with God, seeking and discovering Him in this dark valley made by your own choices, and move out of it. You might have some ashes on your face as you emerge into beauty. Let them serve as a reminder of how seriously God takes sin and how beautiful is His forgiveness.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

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If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.