Note: this week's Q&A diverges from the typical "question first, answer second" format, to more of a conversation. It seemed to flow more easily. I hope you'll agree.

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Oh, my! Candice,

I just recommended your book Get Married to a 30-year-old Christian sister who was bummed and asking me (a Christian brother) about what she can do to help it happen. I've read some great columns and advice you've given and felt confident recommending your book though I haven't read it.

Thanks, I appreciate the recommendation. I really do!

Then tonight I followed this link on Getting It Started. Oh my goodness!?! From my point of view as a guy, and one who knows other guys, except for your answer to number six, this advice is terribly unhelpful and not very correct!

Yikes. What in the world did I say?

Number six is good. You answer the question "what can a girl do to let a guy know you like him?" by suggesting she "smile, be kind, find out what he's into and explore it yourself. Then you'll have something in common to talk about (and you'll get a glimpse of what he likes to think about)."

But then you practically contradict that advice by saying essentially "do nothing out of the ordinary." To the girl who says, "I'm a friendly person, so how is someone to differentiate between my friendly self and my interested self?" you reply, "Guys just know. You exude an aura when you like someone. Maybe it's pheromones, maybe it's just the way you glow, but something about you virtually announces, 'I'm interested' without much effort on your part. As long as you're not doing anything to suggest you don't like him, I think it's safe to say he knows."

I'm not sure I see a huge contradiction between "be nice," "be careful not to suggest you don't like him," and in effect, "don't take extreme measures to announce your interest." But for the sake of argument, let's say there is one. What advice would you give?

Most of us don't "just know"! Especially if we're cultivating an attitude of treating women as sisters with all purity — then we'll chat with them, ask them how life is going, show them hospitality in many ways, have deep and possibly intimate conversations with them, ask them to dance, and hug them. I do all of that with my blood-sister and she genuinely appreciates it — because it communicates that I genuinely love her as a brother. And, I think that's what it communicates with my female friends. That's what it communicates to me and my friends when the women do the same for us.

I'm not convinced you're actually communicating what you think you are. But go on.

Personally, I get disinterested in girls who seem to pay attention only to me and the other "attractive" guys, or girls who do not appear genuine towards everyone. When a girl appears to give me attention, but tends to ignore or even blow-off the guys who are less attractive or less socially adept, that reveals to us guys that she tends to be self-absorbed, only concerned with what she wants. Sure, the attention is still kind of an ego-stroke for us, but that's not the kind of girl a mature Christian guy is interested in for a mate.

That said, I think that I, as well as many of the mature Christian guys I know, might very well be less "intuitive" about knowing when a godly woman is open to being pursued by them. I suspect we might be more like Boaz, trying to always treat everyone well, yet not so aware that one of these women may seriously be interested in us as a mate. We might very well need some more direct hints. Or, even some side-band communication via some mature, wise, mutual, tactful brothers/sisters/couples in Christ.

I do hope you can provide an update for that article, and I REALLY hope your book has more helpful information than "be friendly and outgoing and then they will just know." I expect it does, but otherwise, I'm going to have to have some more talks with my friend and her housemates.

Yes, thankfully the book does have much more than that!

Thanks for your other good stuff, Candice! (But pleeeease update that BA article — for the sake of us guys getting the clear message.)

So you want the girls to pay all the guys the same level of attention, and that includes everything from chatting and deep and intimate conversations to dancing and hugging. But you also need them to give more direct hints because, like Boaz, you try "to always treat everyone well." However, if one girl pays attention only to you, you believe she is "self-absorbed, only concerned with what she wants." And further, such behavior is beneath "a mature Christian guy" like you.

What direct hints are you hoping for?

It seems to me that what you call sisterly love is what most people would call flirting. And not only that, but also that you want these flirtatious girls to flirt with everyone but then to also go above and beyond regular flirting to give you the green light to ask one out, all without veering into self-absorption.

It's quite possible that the one who's self-absorbed and spiritually immature in this scenario is not the girl who may single out one of the men in the group for more personalized attention.

Not only is the behavior you're hoping to see from the Christian women in your group not biblical, it's not even in good taste.

While I can see how my advice in points six and seven might confuse a single woman, I can assure you that yours certainly would.

May I suggest that you go back to the beginning, to your definition and interpretation of "sisterly love" and "absolute purity." A good place to start, in addition to the Scripture itself (1 Timothy 5:1-3), is Scott Croft's biblical dating series. After that, I'd start with Michael Lawrence's "Real Men Risk Rejection," for a closer look at what it means to take the risks in a relationship, the way God designed men to do.

May God guide you in your efforts to relate to single women, deepen your understanding of His Word and bless you along the way.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.