DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I've been engaged for two months to a wonderful guy. Recently, though, we've had some conflicts concerning his friendships with members of the opposite sex. He sees himself as a counselor and doesn't think he can counsel guys because they're too stubborn to talk about emotions. So he tries to counsel girls instead.

He gets along better with girls than with guys. I don't have a problem with him being friends with girls, but I do not really think it's appropriate for him to be encouraging confidences from other young women about their lives — as in, deep personal things which they would not usually share with people. Nor do I think he is equipped to counsel them.

He thinks he is doing nothing wrong and therefore does not seem to be considering what I'm saying at all.

There is one girl in particular he is "counseling." I'm not sure if there are others or not, but he would not be averse to the possibility. This entire thing is further complicated by the fact that he is working as a camp staffer this summer, so he is around this girl all the time, and he and I do not get to talk very much. We do, however, see each other on weekends.

I just don't know who is right and who is wrong. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if his relationship with this other girl is truly more than it should be. I do not think he would cheat on me, or at least plan to cheat; I just don't think it's really appropriate for an engaged or married guy to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex, and the fact that he is bothers me.

I suppose if a couple together is intimate friends with a person that is one thing, but that is not the case here. It does seem that the closeness is mostly one-way; she talks to him about her life, not so much vice-versa.

He does want to be a counselor eventually, but he has had no formal training whatsoever.

I'm having a really, really hard time with this whole thing. He doesn't seem to be willing to compromise ... and I'm afraid this could lead to a breakup, which would be devastating. I don't know if I should back down or not.

I think what bothers me most is not so much his close friendship with this girl in and of itself; it's that this is combined with him not putting forth the effort to call me when he could, and that he really isn't listening to my concerns because he feels he's doing nothing wrong. It seems to me that he isn't even entertaining any possibility that I could be remotely right ... and that's what hurts.

REPLY

You get to the heart of your problem there in your last paragraph. He understands that what he is doing hurts you, but because he feels like there is nothing wrong with what he's doing, the issue is settled. This is not good.

He might be pure as driven snow in his heart about what he is doing. He might be truly trying to help a girl in need. But when his fiancée says it concerns her that he is having regular one-on-one conversations with a girl and that girl is sharing personal details about her life and emotions — which by the way is an entirely reasonable concern — he needs to pay attention and stop doing it.

There are two levels at which he needs to pay attention. One is at the level of the sheer fact that it is you, his fiancée, who is deeply concerned by something he does. It could be morally neutral, but merely because the person he loves is bothered by it makes it something he needs to re-think.

This is going to happen in any relationship. There will be behavior on both sides that will have to be changed or adjusted, not because they are necessarily morally wrong or even harmful, but just because there is now more than one person who lives on this island (or is about to, in your case), and I love that person more than I love leaving the toilet seat up or buying another pair of shoes (to use a couple of good newlywed clichés). Therefore, on that fact alone, I change my actions.

Now, if the behavior also has a level of moral concern, which I believe the one in question has very serious moral concerns, then there is even more reason to consider laying it down for the benefit of something greater — your relationship in this case.

Any reader who has followed my answers for any amount of time knows my opinion on opposite-sex buddies, confidantes, tent-mates, chums and any various and sundry descriptions of emotional connection. I am not in favor of it, especially — especially — when one is engaged or married! And even more so if it bothers the one to whom I am married or engaged (and it always does!).

He's 20 years old with no counseling training (which you shared in a follow-up e-mail) and has no idea what he is getting himself into. A professional counselor friend of mine with years of experience called this "a disaster waiting to happen" when I described it to him. And I wholeheartedly agree.

As seasoned counselors, he said he and his partners would never counsel the opposite sex without the proper training, that they have numerous standards they apply for accountability when they counsel the opposite sex, and he said many won't do it at all. These are professionals in their 40s and 50s and they've seen what happens, even with the best of intentions.

Also, I wonder how your fiancé would feel if the tables were turned? I wonder what he would think about your regularly spending time with another particular guy who was sharing intimate details about his heart and struggles with you? My guess is he might say it wouldn't bother him, but if it were really happening I bet we'd see a different reaction.

The bottom line is that even if your fiancé is well-intentioned, he's taking a huge risk, and he's taking you into that risk with him. If he wants to skydive as a single guy, that's one thing; once you get engaged or married, you're not the only one affected if the parachute doesn't open.

If he is unwilling to change, then I'd say at a minimum you need to put a pause on the wedding plans until this gets worked out. His unwillingness to compromise here is a red flag if I ever saw one. He might take you more seriously if you handed him that engagement ring back until he decides which girl is going to be his priority. A breakup now might be devastating, but not nearly so as a divorce down the road.

I do hope it works out.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

* * *

If you have a question you'd like John to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note that all questions selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.