DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

In the past year I met a guy that I am not only attracted to, but who's also a godly man who is desirous of a family.

Here is where my problem comes in: We know each other through my best friend who is dating his best friend. I have never really spent time alone with him but we do spend time together as some combination of the four friends. I would like to get to spend more one-on-one time with him to get to know him better personally, but I don't want to be forward or rejected if he doesn't see me the same way. How do I proceed?

REPLY

Thanks for writing! I don't see your situation as a problem, but an opportunity. You're already in a good (and for many of our readers, desired) position of being able to spend time with the man you're falling for. Though this will take some self-control on your part, I do believe your role is to wait on him to take the lead. Carolyn McCulley has said "women exercise trust in God by waiting to be pursued, men exercise trust in God by risking rejection." Certainly you should be praying for him that he will be up to the challenge of moving the relationship forward, but what you should not do is try to move it forward yourself.

One of the benefits of this waiting is that it has the potential to refine your character and your ability to trust in God.

That said, I would suggest that you pray for discernment about where the relationship is headed and has the potential to go. Your situation at present is promising, but do be careful that you don't let it languish too long.

You may not be the one to move it forward, but you do have the ability to prevent it from stagnating. If he seems unwilling, after a reasonable amount of time, to move it forward and seems content to enjoy your companionship and budding relationship without any intention of making it official, then at that point, your best course of action would be to spend less time, not more, with him.

Again, this is not where you are today, but you may be there in the weeks to come. For more on that, you may want to read an article I wrote earlier this year, and something Suzanne wrote a couple of years back.

My counsel for now is simply, enjoy your time together and let your character and the fruit of the Spirit in you shine through.

Every blessing,
CANDICE WATTERS

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DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am single and have never dated, but I know God's call for me is marriage and I would like to be married in the near future. My problem is lust, or my overwhelming sex drive.

I have read several of your articles and have concluded that right now is my time to grow in my relationship with God — not wasting my singleness. Time for me to learn to love and cherish my family and friends, time to become a virtuous woman that a man would want to marry and people would want in their life. Well I'm on my way, but how do I combat these not so pure feelings and longings?

I desperately want to be pure before God. I know I need to get involved in church and I'm in the process of doing that. Also, I have cut out most of the music and media that "trigger" these feelings. I pray, but it even happens when I'm praying.

Help me please!

REPLY

For starters, it's great to hear that you're in the process of getting involved with church and have already cut out most of the music and media that trigger your lust. Keep going! Join your church and where music and media are a problem, don't settle for "most." If it's tempting, you should get away from all of it.

I'm wondering what you mean by lust. Do you mean that you feel yourself desiring sexual intimacy in general (as in, at certain times of the month and based on hormonal shifts in your body, the idea of sex sounds appealing)? Or do you mean that you're thinking about a particular man and entertaining sexual fantasies?

I do think this is a key distinction. The first example has everything to do with how God designed us for marriage and child bearing and is a powerful incentive to be intentional in your efforts to marry well. The second example has everything to do with our sin nature.

It's true that the enemy that would love to destroy our souls works overtime to take our design and warp it toward sin. So there's a fine line between scenario one and two, but there is indeed a line.

If it's scenario one, then church membership and guarding your thoughts are a great start. I would also suggest adding to that concentrated prayer for a mate and God's transformation of your life, as well as intentionality in your relationships with men.

If you're imagining yourself married to a certain man and there is a possibility that could happen, that's worthy of prayer, too. Not obsession, but prayer. But if you're imagining yourself having sex with him (or no one in particular), then that's a matter of submitting your thought life to the Lord. There's an article on Boundless you may find helpful, "Ordinary Lust."

I pray He will purify your thoughts and empower you to act in obedience.

Every Blessing,
CANDICE WATTERS

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If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.