I WANNA BE EQUAL WITH HER

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I am a college guy who never did anything more than make out with a few girls. Recently I met a girl who I like incredibly, but she had sex with a previous boyfriend. She repented long before she met me, and doesn't want to have sex any more till marriage.

I've struggled severely with this issue, crying and praying many nights. I have continual images in my mind of them having sex. I have never met the guy, but he is a big football player, and I am a small computer nerd.

My girlfriend wants to wait till marriage before we even get to the "touchy stage," but I want to have some of our own moments to replace the images in my mind. I would rather face the wedding day a non-virgin with my girlfriend, because we would be entering this day as equals. If the husband is supposed to be the spiritual head of the wife, how am I supposed to let her deceive everyone, including our parents, that she is pure, while I do not bear the same mark? I would like to be responsible for her.

Only after I started dating her did I have desires to have sex before marriage. I always thought it should be reserved for that day, but in our case it is different. I told her I wanted to elope, but she will not accept that. I can wait years before I propose to her, but I would like to gradually build up our physical bond, with the summation of that bond being total sex when we get married. I have very good brakes, because I have put on the brakes two other times when previous girlfriends wanted to have sex.

What do you recommend?

Thanks,
Someone who just wants to do the biblical thing

Reply:

Your letter sets off 10 screaming sirens in my mind. Let's go through them systematically.

1. "I've struggled severely with this issue, crying and praying many nights. I have continual images in my mind of them having sex."

Your anguish is understandable, and I cannot offer hope that it will pass away. Until and unless it does, though, don't consider marriage with the girl. If you do enter marriage with these feelings, the prognosis for the marriage will be poor.

2. "I always thought [sex] should be reserved for that [wedding] day, but in our case it is different."

Everyone thinks his case is different. Everyone thinks he has a good reason. Stop telling lies to yourself.

3. "I can wait years before I propose to her, but I would like to gradually build up our physical bond, with the summation of that bond being total sex when we get married."

Translation: "I want every part of sex but penetration. So long as I get more and more of that, I don't need to get married for a long, long time." You make this sound like a testimony to your self-control. Actually it's a testimony to your lack thereof.

4. "I have very good brakes, and have been making out with her for a long time and am in complete control at all times."

Translation: "I don't have a license to drive, but I refuse to wait. My compromise is to ram on the accelerator with my right foot, while ramming on the brake with my left. Smell that rubber burn! Aren't you impressed that I can keep the car from moving forward?" No, what makes the greatest impression on me is that you haven't the slightest idea what a car is for. Cars are for driving. But until you get that license, don't even start the ignition.

5. These brakes are strong “because I have put on the brakes two other times when previous girlfriends wanted to have sex."

Translation: "I view sexual arousal as another form of recreation. So long as we don't have penetration, I call that putting on the brakes." A better name for it is not putting on the brakes. Sexual arousal isn't recreation — it's foreplay. Between spouses about to have intercourse, it's pure. Between you and your girlfriends, it's not.

6. "I told her I wanted to elope, but she will not accept that."

Nor should she; elopement would be an insult to her family and yours, and a disgrace to the meaning of marriage. Marriage is a mutual and irrevocably binding promise between the spouses to live as husband and wife, entered into in the sight of God and the community of faith, who are assembled as witnesses so they can hold you to your vows.

7. "My girlfriend wants to wait till marriage before we even get to the 'touchy stage,' but I want to have some of our own moments to replace the images in my mind."

Translation: "She sinned with that other stud, so I won't be satisfied until she sins with me." You say you love her, but love is a commitment of the will to the true good of the other party. I can't find the slightest sign of a commitment of your will to her good.

8. "I would rather face the wedding day a non-virgin with my girlfriend, because we would be entering this day as equals."

You're certainly right that you aren't yet equals, because she is your moral superior: She has repented of her sexual sin, but you can't wait to sin more. The kind of "equality" you want is to drag her back down to your level.

9. "If the husband is supposed to be the spiritual head of the wife, how am I supposed to let her deceive everyone, including our parents, that she is pure, while I do not bear the same mark? I would like to be responsible for her."

Give me a break. Nobody "leads" by sinning. Besides, if she has truly repented, then the only "mark" on her is Christ's.

10. "Someone who just wants to do the biblical thing."

The biblical thing is just what you don't want to do. Try as I might, I can find nothing in your letter but habitual lust and self-deception.

My advice is to abase yourself before God, and beg Him in the name of Christ to make a pure and honest man of you. He can do it; the question is whether you will let Him.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

JUST LIKE A BROTHER

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I’m in a long-distance relationship, and my boyfriend wants to come over for a week during his school break. He says he wants to stay in my apartment, because he does not know anyone else here and can't afford a hotel. We're both Christians, and he promised that we wouldn't fall into sin. He said he would be just like a brother.

When I told him that I wasn't comfortable with this plan, he became very hurt, said I didn't trust him, and told me I'm being selfish. He said that he wouldn't come again.

I feel really bad because I like him a lot and I didn't want to hurt him. What do I do?

Reply:

He says he's hurt? How selfish of him! Good for you for hanging tough, and shame on him for trying to "guilt you" into doing something wrong.

"Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." To room together yet expect God to protect you from falling into sin would have been like throwing yourselves from a building yet expecting God to keep you from hitting the ground. We are under strict command from the Lord to flee not only from sin, but from temptation. What your boyfriend means by "trusting him" is believing that he's above temptation, but no human being is above temptation.

You ask what you can do. You've done it, my dear. Don't think you can patch up the relationship by giving in. It's up to him to respect the boundary you've set, and if he doesn't, you need to tell him good-bye.

The fact that you do feel guilty for doing the right thing suggests that you could use a little counsel in the area of setting boundaries. Two Christian psychologists named Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a helpful book entitled Boundaries: Where to Say Yes, Where to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life. I think you'd find it helpful.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

NAPPING WITH GIRLS

Dear Professor Theophilus:

My roommate and I are both Christians, but I've been a Christian much longer. He has a very intellectual faith; he became a Christian essentially by being convinced of the evidence in Josh McDowell's More Than a Carpenter. Most of his decisions are governed by logic, but sometimes they don't make sense to me on other levels.

The problem at hand is that he sleeps with his girlfriend. They don't have sex, and they've agreed that they want to limit physical contact for moral reasons. I told him that anything motivated by lust is wrong, but he says he isn't motivated by lust — it's just a nice thing to do together. He has napped innocently with his sister and his dad, and sees no difference here.

I don't know where to draw the line, either. If I came in and they had been relaxing on the couch and had both fallen asleep, I wouldn't have a problem with that. But if that's OK, what's magically different about napping in bed? Or sleeping all night together? Or living together for that matter? If he can assure me (and I think he's being honest) that there's no lust involved, then what's the problem?

Even though I don't have an argument or a scripture to say why it's wrong, my feeling is that it's a bad idea to sleep with your girlfriend, even if it really is just sleeping. I feel uncomfortable if I come in the room and they are in bed asleep together. His solution is, "I'm sorry that makes you uncomfortable. We can not do that when you're around if you like, or sleep in her room." Of course my discomfort shouldn't be the issue, but I worry that it is; maybe I'm trying to stick my nose in his business. After all, I feel uncomfortable watching couples kiss, because I feel that's private and I shouldn't witness it, but that doesn't make kissing wrong.

I don't want to be selfishly motivated. I also know that because we are so close, I tend to feel threatened by his closeness with her; suddenly I'm not his best friend anymore. That's a rotten way for me to think, because I think his girlfriend is a wonderful person, I think she's great for him, and I wouldn't be surprised if they got married.

So here are my two questions: (1) Is he doing something wrong, or is this a case where my expectations are merely legalistic — like Christian groups who disapprove of any secular music? (2) As his roommate and friend, what should I do?

Reply:

What your friend is doing is called "courting temptation" — inviting a sin to come around and snare him. The same thing went on among some of the early Christians, and the Church had to put a stop to it. Perhaps on a faraway planet circling some other star, there is an intelligent species whose young males and females can sleep in the same bed without sexual feelings. However that may be, there is no such species on this one. If your roommate thinks he has no sexual feelings when he cuddles under covers all night with his girlfriend, then he's deceiving himself. After all, what makes snuggling with her so much "nicer" than snuggling with the guys? Could it be — naw, but could it be — that she's a girl?

Unfortunately, once we indulge sexual feelings, they grow stronger, even if we say they aren't sexual. Here is how it works. One night soon your roommate thinks: I think I'll lie a little closer to her. Then he thinks: A little kiss wouldn't hurt. Then he thinks: My hand would be much more comfortable on her breast. Then he thinks: It's such a warm night, I think I'll take off my shirt. Then he thinks: This is getting nicer and nicer. Do you catch my drift?

When a man deceives himself in the way that your roommate is deceiving himself, the usual motive is that he wants to have intercourse with the girl but can't admit it. So he arranges to be "accidentally" overtaken by temptation. There is no point in his saying "I know that could happen, but I won't let it," because God designed us to become aroused under such circumstances, and the only way to avoid the arousal to avoid the circumstances — to save the bed for the marriage.

Your own discomfort with the situation is natural, because your roommate's behavior with his girlfriend causes a variety of moral difficulties for you too (as you have already discovered). In fact, that's a second reason why his behavior isn't right.

On the other hand, we can't control other people. So do this. Pray first. Then explain to your roommate — briefly, clearly, and quietly — what I've explained to you. You don't have a passage of Scripture to prove your case, because this is a matter of wisdom, not explicit command; God expects us to use our heads. Be prepared for the fact that he will probably resist what you say. If he does, don't nag, and don't let yourself be drawn into a quarrel. Just tell him "I'm concerned for you because I think you're deeply mistaken, but I won't wrangle. You did that say you would be willing to drop the behavior when I'm around, and for my own sake, I'll take you up on that offer." If he agrees, simply thank him sincerely, and let the matter drop.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

If you have questions you’d like to Ask Theo, send us an email and we'll pass it along to him.