BUT BABE, I'M A BRAND NEW GUY

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I have a question that admittedly concerns my love life — I know you don't like that kind of question — though it has brought up questions about my faith. I've been seeing a man for several months, whom I met through a mutual friend. He's a great guy who regularly attends church and shares most of my beliefs. However, many of my friends have advised me not to see him any more because of things they discovered about his past.

They haven't met him yet, but they've found out is that he has a daughter from a previous marriage and was partially, if not mostly to blame for the divorce (he wasn't physically unfaithful, but "emotionally unfaithful"). With me, he was upfront about all this from the beginning. After the divorce — about a year ago — he recommitted his life to Christ. My friends don't believe he could change, and I realize I sound like a dumb and desperate woman claiming that he has. But if I can't believe God has changed his life, what does that say about my belief in the power of God? It seems like my friends are saying that once someone has sinned, he's irreparably messed up. Of course, in theory, they deny this — but, well, it just seems that they are being unfair to this guy by not considering who he is now.

I know that they only have my best interests at heart, but I'm so confused. What do you think? Am I searching for the answer I want to hear instead of searching for the truth? Am I being unfair to ask my friends to reconsider the guy once they meet him? Does God still change lives dramatically? And how can you tell when such a change is for real?

Reply:

My dear, here is how to know whether the man has really changed. If he stops dating you and returns to the wife and daughter whom he has betrayed, then he has. If he doesn't, he hasn't.

This isn't about whether he's a great guy, because whatever greatness there may be in him is pledged to his wife, not to you. Don't you know what he promised her? "Until we are parted by death." And don't you know what Jesus taught? "What God has joined together, let no man separate." That means no woman either.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

SINCE YOU SAID THAT, WOULD YOU SAY THIS?

Dear Professor Theophilus:

In your column "I Got My Girlfriend Pregnant. What Now?" you advise the guy to marry the girl, even though she isn't a Christian, because it is his duty to protect the life he created and the mother.

So my question becomes: does the same hold true for a Christian girl and a non-Christian guy?

I've just found out that I'm pregnant. I've been dating the man for over a year. I realize my sins — dating a non- believer, sex outside marriage — and I've repented before God. I want to make things right, but I don't know how.

We're both 23, we have fairly decent jobs, we're covered by insurance, we're healthy, and we don't have any addictions. There isn't any physical reason not to keep this baby and make a family. My concerns are over the fact he isn't a Christian. I know God does not want us to be unequally yoked, yet it seems to me that we're already yoked through the new life. My boyfriend loves me and wants to marry me and have a family. He doesn't want to give the baby up for adoption, but he'll support me in that if it's what I really want. Neither of us believe in abortion.

I too want to solidify this family we have started, but I'm confused about whether it's the right thing to do. I love him and I want this baby too, but I'm afraid to want it and afraid to be happy. I feel like I'm rejoicing in my sin.

I've started looking for a crisis pregnancy center for help, but I would greatly appreciate your advice. If you know of books that would help me know how to tell my parents, I would be grateful for that too.

Reply:

I can set your mind at ease about one thing. It's not wrong to rejoice about your baby — in fact, as your heart knows already, it's very right. A child's new life is a gift of God no matter how the child was conceived, and to rejoice in the baby is not to rejoice in the sin.

I'm so glad that you realize that abortion is not an option. I'm also glad that you're going to visit a crisis pregnancy center — that's one of the best things you can do. You can find one in your area by dialing the toll-free number for CareNet, 1- 800-395-HELP. Your counselor will help you make the decision that is best for your baby. One of the things the counselor may discuss with you is the option of letting the child be adopted by a Christian husband and wife who are already prepared to be parents. Do keep your mind open about adoption; that may be part of the meaning of caring for this gift. Real love makes sacrifices, and what is best for the child is not always the same as what makes us feel best.

Yes, I did advise the young man in "I Got My Girlfriend Pregnant, What Now?" to marry her, but no, your decision is not the same. Here's why. The young man's duty was to protect his girlfriend and the baby she was carrying. For that reason, if she would accept him, then in my view it would not be right for him to run away from the responsibilities of being a husband and father. But your duty is not to protect your boyfriend; yours is to protect your baby, and yourself as the baby's mother. Therefore, you certainly have the option not to marry the young man if he would not be a good husband and father, and you should consider this carefully. I'm not suggesting trying to raise the baby by yourself; a child needs a Mom and a Dad. If your boyfriend would not be a suitable husband and father, that would be a strong reason to place the baby for adoption.

Here are some questions that you ought to consider about your boyfriend: Would he be faithful to you? Would he do whatever was necessary to be a good and responsible husband? Would he do whatever was necessary to be a good and responsible father? Would he be marrying you only because he felt "trapped," so that he might want "out" later on? Considering that he is a non-believer, does he understand and agree that marriage is for life and that divorce is not a solution? Again, considering that he is not a believer, does he agree that the child will be raised according to the Christian faith, and can he be trusted to keep such a promise? For example, will he attend church with you and the child every week, even though he does not believe in church? Will he go to the Sunday School's annual Christmas Pageant to see the child wear a sheep costume and say "baa-a-a" to the baby Jesus, even though he does not believe in Jesus? I'm sure you catch my drift.

You also need to ask some searching questions about yourself. Marriage is for life. Can you accept this young man as he is right now until you are parted by death? Many young women think "he's not what a father and husband should be, but he'll change." You can't count on him changing; you have to make your decision on the basis of how he is now. If he doesn't change, will you be able not to resent him for being what he is?

I'm glad you realize that you must tell your parents. Don't put that off a day longer. You don't have to read books on the subject; that would merely be procrastinating. No technical or specialized knowledge is necessary. You speak the same language they do. Just tell them.

My suggestion would be first to break the news to them yourself, without your boyfriend present; then to have a second meeting with them, at which your boyfriend is present too. This will give them time to calm down. After all, you're dropping a bombshell in their lap, so you can't blame them if there is an explosion! Remember that in the shock of the blast, they may say or suggest things they don't really mean. Be patient, ask for their counsel and support and apologize for letting them down by getting involved with sexual sin. During the second meeting, your boyfriend should behave with the same maturity, and he should apologize to them for sleeping with their daughter.

The bottom line is that you shouldn't put off telling your parents, you shouldn't put off visiting a crisis pregnancy center, you should keep an open mind about adoption — and you should resolve to follow Christ faithfully from now on. If you rely on Him, His grace will be sufficient for you — it will even be sufficient to help you to do the right thing for your baby. This may be the first step toward becoming the person whom you want to be but haven't been. I'll pray for you.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

(Editor's Note: In 2001, we ran a clever retelling of one author's experience with an unplanned pregnancy and her decision to give her son up for adoption. With a nod to C.S. Lewis, Laurel Cornell wrote The Screwtape Emails.)

NOT ANOTHER ONE

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I know you get far too many letters about same-sex marriage, but I don't think you've answered this one.

I'm not for homosexual couples raising children — I believe it will cause damage and is morally wrong. But that doesn't seem to be a sufficient argument against legalizing same-sex marriage, and I honestly do not know of one.

You point out in "So-Called Marriage" that a child needs a Mom and a Dad, but marriage in America is in decay. Many children are raised with only one parent. When we live in a country that does not legally have a problem with only one sex raising a child as a single parent, how can we refuse to enact a law allowing only one sex to raise a child as part of a couple? Besides, don't some homosexual partners take on masculine and feminine roles in their own relationship? A child would receive a more balanced influence this way than from a single parent.

I'd like to be able to answer this objection, but I don't know how. Anything you can offer would be appreciated.

Reply:

I'm glad you're trying to think these matters through. Let's take your two questions one at a time. My answer to them rests on what is in the best interest of the child.

Your first question is "When we live in a country that doesn't have a legal problem with only one sex raising a child when they are single, how can we refuse to enact a law allowing one sex to raise a child as a couple?" I don't know what you mean by "doesn't have a legal problem with." If you mean that the law is indifferent to single parenthood, this isn't true. Our family law is based on the assumption that it is better for children to be raised by both of the parents, and that when this is impossible, it is better for the children to be raised by one of the parents than by strangers. In adoption, too, strong preference is almost always given to married couples seeking to adopt rather than singles. This, I would argue, is just as it should be.

Your second question might be paraphrased "Isn't a Mom playing Mom plus a Mom playing Dad better than just one Mom? Isn't a Dad playing Dad plus a Dad playing Mom better than just one Dad?" The answer is No. In the first place, men and women are psychologically different; a man playing a feminine role is not really like a mother, and a woman playing a masculine role is not really like a father. In the second place, only a real man and real woman can model relationships between men and women for the child. Children raised in "gay" households suffer not only the lack of the other kind of parent, but the additional burden of sexual confusion because of the homosexuality of the caretaking adults. And let's not forget that homosexual relationships are far less stable than real marriages. So on top of everything else, such children suffer a greater risk of household breakup.

You agree that it isn't good for children to be raised by homosexual couples. On the other hand, you say that this doesn't justify defining marriage as a partnership between a man and a woman. Considering that the reason the law protects marriage is precisely to safeguard children, these two views seem inconsistent. I hope you will agree and change your mind.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

THANKS, THAT HELPED

Dear Professor Theophilus:

In answering a question from a reader, you made a statement that made me cry. "Faith is not the feeling of trust, but trust." Just this morning I was telling a friend how faith just keeps trying to slip through my fingers. When I read your statement I realized that it's not really slipping, it just feels that way.

I plan to continue to hold on to it no matter how it feels.

Thank you for your column.

Reply:

Thank you for writing. It refreshes my spirit to know that my words made a difference to you.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS