I am a recent college graduate, working full-time in a rural area and living by myself. I would like to marry at some point in the future, and am not even committed to having a career if I am to have a family. However, I don't have any current significant other, or any potential in friends or social circles. I am trying to be content with the idea that God is allowing me to be single at this time, but struggle with a sense of entrapment.

The basic dilemma is this: until I meet someone, I need to be providing for myself, but my jobs have not put me into contact with anyone, and local churches are desperately lacking in young men. I don't want to go to the places where the guys are (bars, etc.), and don't even feel really good about being the one looking anyhow.

In church, older people have been trying to play matchmaker, apparently feeling sorry for the single girl, and are trying to push me in the path of sons, friends and so forth. I appreciate the concern that my church friends are showing, but am wondering if I should tell them that I'm not interested in meeting their "very nice boy" and that I'm happy being single. Which isn't all true. Or should I give these guys a chance?

I've asked a lot of people about this, but everyone has a different idea. My parents think I should try some dates, that or find a job somewhere there are more young men in my interest and educational bracket. One friend thinks that it's best to let God bring 'the one' to me, and trust that it'll happen, miraculously, when the time is right.

I'm just afraid that I'll be so busy with career stuff, as an in-between, that someday I'll wake up and find that the 'miraculous' never happened.

Thank you,

Esther

Reply

Hello Esther!

Yours is a very common dilemma, especially because of the way modern society is structured. We’re far more isolated today, which makes it harder to meet people.

I used to believe the “God will 'miraculously' drop ‘the One’ on your doorstep when the time is right” perspective, which younger women seem especially prone to. It’s a romantic thought, and it does happen every once and awhile, but I’d bet that 98 percent of the time, God works through very “normal” occurrences like church introductions.

I wouldn't have met my husband if my mom hadn't challenged my dreamy assumptions about divine appointment. My now-husband Sam and I had e-mailed a few times, and I knew he lived in Chicago — two hours away from where I was going to college (which is supernatural enough! Out of the whole United States, he was within a short distance of my home). But I thought, "No, if God wants it to happen, we will miraculously meet in O'Hare or something unplanned like that." I had probably watched too many movies; on screen, when a hero and heroine meet for the very first time, there is always a tingle or a foreshadowing clue. In Little Women, Jo March and the Professor knock into each other and her manuscript spills all over the ground; in Ever After, Danielle assumes the Prince is a robber and pelts him with apples. Real life first-time meetings are usually murkier, and far calmer.

My mom took serious issue with my romantic view, and said, "You need to arrange a meeting with Sam." I think she may have even told me to “be aggressive.” I got annoyed with her, but (thankfully for all involved) I finally acquiesced, and e-mailed Sam that my family just happened to be taking a trip to Chicago. We went out to dinner, and, emboldened by my mom’s example, I even invited him to go to the Planetarium with my family the next day.

God expects us to be active — not passive — recipients of grace. In all areas of life, he seems to work almost exclusively through everyday means. He also invites us to take risks. I’d say sometimes he even tests us with “risky” opportunities, in order to get us out of our comfort zones and into a deeper place of needing and trusting him.

When I was single, I hated taking risks when it came to guys — I didn't want to hurt their feelings, and I wasn't good at communicating. The second time I visited Sam, it was for his surprise birthday party. I came bearing a gift — an old edition of A. A. Milne’s book, Now We Are Six. The book itself is dedicated to a young girl with the inscription “because she is so speshal.” My inscription followed suit. “To Sam Torode — now you are six, and because you are so speshal.” (He really was six; his birthday is on February 29.)

I struggled with even a risk as small as that, not wanting to leave a reminder of myself with him if we didn’t end up together. It was my relationship perfectionism holding me back. I was worried it would be too flirtatious and forward. I shouldn’t have been so paranoid. In retrospect, it’s innocent and endearing, and I’m glad I wrote it. (My mom deserves coaching credit yet again — she gave me the confidence I needed to go ahead with the gift.)

I think it’s always worth the time spent exploring possibilities. Don't worry if a number of them don't work out — that doesn't mean you or the other fellow is a failure. It just proves the fact that a good personality-match takes some time to find. But that's why it's worth being actively open.

It can be especially rough going on set-up dates if you don't have an extremely gregarious personality (which I don't), or if you don’t feel “pretty enough” or confident enough (which I didn’t). But those are just feelings, not truths. A great book to help heal you of any insecurities or doubts about yourself as a woman — feelings that are magnified by the dating scene and the season of singleness — is Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. They reveal the secrets of a beautiful woman — wisdom that can only help you to grow in confidence and your ability to interact with, and attract, the right man for you. (Vulnerability is one of their key attributes of a beautiful woman, and this is closely tied to risk-taking.)

Most of the time, fear is never a good motivation for any action, or lack of action. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of “getting in God’s way” by going on a date with what may be someone else’s future husband — these all need to be felt, processed, but ultimately overcome. "Be not afraid, the Lord is with you." Enjoy every opportunity to spend time with another human being, even if nothing romantic grows out of it, and consider it an opportunity to bless another human being with your beautiful presence.

Blessings,
Bethany