Dear Professor Theophilus:

I am 20 years old and at a secular university. My birth family devoutly followed a non-Christian religion, but I became a Christian my senior year of high school. Soon after graduation they told me that if I wanted to practice Christianity, I had to move out. I've been on my own ever since.

After three years, my family and I are finally on speaking terms again, and I see them often -- we live in the same city. However, they are extremely disappointed in me, even though I'm an excellent student and responsible adult. They think I've tarnished the family name, and they make constant remarks about how I'm the family letdown. The rude comments flare up especially during holidays. I've tried to tell them how much it hurts me, but when I stand up for myself they accuse me of being a "bad Christian," or say "I thought you were a Christian."

Though I've asked God to make me stronger, I really can't handle any more comments. Is it wrong to distance myself from family if they consistently hurt me? A godly Christian woman at my church has stepped in as my Christian mother, so I am not completely without a family, but what is the answer here? Am I wrong to walk away from an emotionally damaging relationship? Or should I stay around as a witness and take the verbal abuse?

Reply:

It must have been terrible to be thrown out of the family home after high school, and I sympathize deeply. As you point out, though, that old tragedy has been patched up. The problem now is merely that your family makes disparaging remarks. What you are asking me, in effect, is whether it would be all right, because of these remarks, to disown your parents and accept another woman, who is not your mother, as your mother.

When someone asks permission to violate the Fourth Commandment -- "Honor thy father and mother" -- it's always important to look deeper. Red lights flash when I do, not because of what you tell me, but because of what you don't. Feel free to write back if I guess wrong about any of the things you aren't telling me. But here are the red lights I see.

The first red light is that you don't tell me exactly what these hurtful remarks are that your parents make to you. I understand that they say they are disappointed in you. No doubt they are disappointed in you, even if they shouldn't be. Frankly, it doesn't sound unbearable that they should say so, nor does it seem as though hearing them say so should "damage" you. Why is it so difficult to bear their expression of disappointment, as a burden of love? Paul explains to the young church at Corinth that love is patient and kind, not irritable or resentful. He also says that it never ends. If you are expecting your parents, who aren't Christians, to speak with that kind of love toward you, shouldn't you, as a Christian, speak with that kind of love toward them?

The second red light is that you don't explain exactly why your parents are disappointed in you. From the first part of your letter, one gets the impression that they are disappointed just because you no longer belong to their religion. Maybe that's the case, but the words of reproach that you actually quote give a different impression. I'm struck by the fact that they don't say "I thought you were one of us!" but "I thought you were Christian!" They're not complaining that you don't live up to their faith, but that you don't live up to yours. Is it possible that their complaint is true? Could it be that you really aren't treating them as a Christian should?

The third red light is that you don't tell me what you've done to repair the situation. You say that you "Stand up for yourself," which means, I guess, that you defend yourself. But how do you do that? I can imagine a lot of different scenarios, some good, some bad. Here's an example of a good one:

Mom: "Even after all this time, it breaks my heart that you left our religion. That was such a letdown, such a discouragement to the family."

You: "I understand, Mom, and I love you. I know you're worried about me. But doesn't it say something about my faith that I'm responsible, that I care for you, and that I try to follow Christ?"

Mom: "What do you know about following Christ, you wicked girl? If you really followed Christ you wouldn't have left the family faith."

You: "I'll always be your daughter, Mom, but if you want to call me names, then maybe I should leave and visit on another day, so we can get a fresh start. How about Tuesday? I'll call before I come over."

This would be a good one too:

Mom: "Even after all this time, it breaks my heart that you left our religion. That was such a letdown, such a discouragement to the family."

You: "Mom, I love you very much, and I know you're concerned about me. But I didn't run away from Jesus; what happened was that I found Him. You know, after all this time you and I have never had a frank conversation about why I believe as I do. Could we do that? Would you think about it?"

Mom: "Maybe we could. I don't know. I'll think about it. Give me more time."

But the next one wouldn’t be so good, would it?

Mom: "Even after all this time, it breaks my heart that you left our religion. That was such a letdown, such a discouragement to the family."

You: "I wish you'd stop running me down all the time. You make me crazy when you talk like that. I resent it, and I won't stand for it."

Mom: "Listen to the disrespectful way you talk to me. Is that what you call being a Christian? It doesn't sound Christian to me."

Do you see what I mean? It's compatible with love to set boundaries (scenario #1), and it's compatible with love to invite a deeper conversation (scenario #2). But it's not compatible with love to be angry and defensive (scenario #3).

My dear, situations do arise that call for stronger measures. But nothing in your letter suggests that you're in one. Unless things are much worse than you've told me, you're not suffering abuse; your feelings are merely hurt. I'm sure that your parents are a trial, but if you disown them, you will pay a heavy price for the rest of your life.

One more thing. The woman in your church whom you mention may have many good qualities, and I pray to God that she isn't the person who gave you the idea of disowning your parents and transferring your daughterly affection to her. But if she is, then she is not a good spiritual influence, and you need to cool off the relationship.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

YOU TARZAN, BUT ME NOT JANE

Dear Professor Theophilus:

The girl I've been dating broke up with me this week, just when my heart was starting to get involved. It was the reverse of the typical scenario where the girl wants the guy to be more open about where things are going. She was sending mixed messages about the relationship, but when I told her that they were confusing me, she said she felt pressured. Now I can't help but wonder if I pushed her away. Did I? She told me she "liked me a lot," but her actions didn't seem to match what I would mean by "I like you a lot." I've asked my friends, both men and women, for advice, and everyone seems to think I did the right thing. But it still hurts.

I think I should take your advice to Julie in "Confused About Everything" and go on retreat. I need some time to think. I'm 26, and I haven't had a date on Valentine's Day in three years. My friends are getting married, buying houses, having kids. It's tough. It warms my heart to think of marrying someone who shares my vision for a large family, reading stories to the children, helping others. If my desires are right, then why am I so frustrated?

Reply:

It's difficult to judge from a distance -- but yes, it sounds like you did do the right thing with the young lady. Nothing that you say suggests that you put any undue pressure on her. She simply decided to drop you.

Remember that a lot of people today delay marriage and put off growing up. They treat dating as just having fun. If a girl takes this attitude toward dating, then the mere fact that the guy takes a different attitude is likely to scare her off -- but it doesn't follow that the guy has done something wrong. Besides, it would be a disaster to marry someone who wasn't ready for marriage, so the fact that the young lady broke off the relationship is probably a good thing. Perhaps God was protecting you from marrying the wrong person.

Your second question is more difficult. If your desires are right, then why are you so frustrated? It's possible that God intends marriage for you, and you just need to be more patient -- or perhaps more careful about who you date! But it's also possible that He intends consecrated singlehood for you. I think you are wise to go on retreat.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

THE FOG OF, UM, WAR

Dear Professor Theophilus:

My girl friend and I have been dating for almost a year. Although we're not yet engaged, we're not just dating for the heck of it -- I think the relationship is marriage-bound. We're both Christians, and both committed to remaining virgins until marriage. The problem is that we've become more and more physically intimate. I'd call the present level "heavy making out." This crosses serious ethical and spiritual lines for both of us.

We know we’ve messed up and can't continue in this behavior. The question is, what do we do next? Break up? Not touch at all? Or what?

Reply:

It's nice to have an easy question for a change! I've answered this question before, but I give a refresher course every now and then because it keeps coming up. No, you don't have to break up, and you don't have to avoid touching at all. But you do need to know what to avoid, and you do need to know how to be successful in avoiding it. You may think you already know what to avoid -- after all, you've just told me that you didn't avoid it. But let's review anyway.

What to avoid? Avoid intercourse (of course), avoid whatever resembles intercourse (for example oral sex), and -- this is the important one to remember -- avoid whatever gets your motor running for intercourse. The God-given purpose of sexual arousal is to prepare the two spouses for intercourse, and it achieves that purpose so well that once arousal happens, intercourse tends to follow. Holding hands with your girlfriend while walking across campus probably doesn't put you in that condition, but other things do, and they are the things to avoid. I know that you know what they are, because, of course, that's why you do them -- arousal is enjoyable. The problem is that arousal can't be "used" as recreation. You can't turn on the rocket motors and then tell the rocket not to lift off. Besides, that behavior just isn't pure; arousal should be saved for your wife. Why? For the same reason that intercourse should be. And your girl friend isn't your wife yet.

How to be successful in avoiding it? First, don't wait until you're aroused to ask yourself "Am I becoming aroused?" Why not? Because you'll be tempted to give yourself a dishonest answer. Instead, make a list of things not to do so that your decision is already made ahead of time -- then just don't do them. Does something get your motor running? Put it on the list. Is something difficult to stop doing? That's really the same question asked a different way. Put it on the list too. Whatever she thinks gets your motor running and whatever she thinks you find it hard to stop -- don't argue; write those things too. And of course she follows the same steps, putting herself in your place and you in her place.

Second, don't trust that will power alone will be enough to keep you on the right side of the line. We aren't made that way. Just as the purpose of arousal is to prepare the two spouses for intercourse, so the purpose of being alone together is to prepare the two spouses for arousal. Logically, what follows? You should simply avoid being alone together! Of course I don't mean you can't ride in an elevator together, but you shouldn't be all by yourselves for extended periods of time. Here are some examples. Have dates in public places, like restaurants, not in secluded places like her apartment or that lonely spot in the park. If you want to watch a DVD together at your girl friend's place, okay, but invite a couple of other friends over to watch it with you. When they leave, you leave -- and at the same time. See where I'm going?

I think you'll find that following this advice puts your whole relationship on a different plane. It makes it possible to find out how you really feel about each other without the fog of arousal -- which is every bit as confusing as the fog of war.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Footnote:

The author of the previous letter wrote back to thank me for the advice and say "You've probably saved my girl friend and me from an imminent breakup." Isn't that interesting? People are always imagining that sex saves relationships. Actually, sex confuses them. Purity saves them.

* * *

If you have a question you'd like Professor Theophilus to consider for this column, please send it to asktheo@trueu.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Ask Theophilus" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.