AN ECONOMIC EXCUSE

Dear Boundless:

One of the reasons why young people want to balance their work life before they marry is that they want to be financially stable!

How am I supposed to support a family when I can barely afford to pay my bills? I think this is a HUGE reason young Americans want to be financially stable before they marry. Times have changed; the cost of living has skyrocketed. Who wouldn't want to be able to pay their bills, let alone "save" before trying to start and support a family.

I feel it's not a "devaluation of marriage" that causes the delay, but over-inflated costs of living.

Thanks.

Reply

Thanks for writing. To all those who may be delaying marriage so they can achieve financial stability, I would remind them that two can live more economically than one. A newly married couple paying for one apartment, can make their money go further than two singles, both working, renting two. There's a pragmatic reason to marry.

Also, it's been shown that married men earn more, on average, than single men do. I know from personal experience that our financial picture improved after we got married, probably due in part to the fact that as we've gotten older and more experienced, we're able to earn more. And those higher earnings started around the time we started having children.

It's understandable, and admirable, that a young groom wants to have a steady job. Sadly, too many singles put off marriage for an elusive goal of financial stability: something most people pursue their whole lives. Financial responsibility is part of living lives that please God, but not at the expense of all His other commands.

In addition to being good stewards, He tells us to marry. He tells young men to pursue marriage (Proverbs 18:22) and couples to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 9:7); He calls children a reward (Psalm 127:3). Even if those things never add to your balance sheet, they enrich your life in ways the dollar never will.

May God increase your capacity to courageously embrace the whole of living.

Sincerely,
Candice Watters

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WHEN TO WALK AWAY

Dear Boundless:

I've had a male best friend for three years and counting. My friends tell me we'd make a great couple and I agree. The problem is that he's dating another woman. He's still a good friend to me, telling me how good, beautiful, caring, kind, generous and special he thinks I am, and even that I'll be a great wife. We still talk and he confides in me. It's not hard to imagine why I'm in love with him. My friends tell me I should walk away. I think, though, that I should be patient and pray that he'll realize we're meant for each other.

Reply

Thank you for writing. I'm sorry to hear that it's been such a long process — it's always frustrating to feel like time is wasted. And I understand why more women don't do the right thing and walk away after waiting so long. It's often too painful to admit all that time and effort was in vain.

However, I do think you already suspect what I will say: it's time to end the relationship.

His behavior has been dishonoring to everyone involved. He's defrauded you by taking advantage of your affections while dating another. He's defrauded his girlfriend by being double- minded: looking to you for certain of his needs to be met apart from his relationship with her (such behavior would be considered an emotional affair if he were married). And in so doing, he's revealed the weakness of his own character. Not to mention the way all of this dishonors God.

Despite your emotions toward him, on a rational level surely you can see that his behavior is what we would have, in an earlier day, ascribed to a cad.

He has proven himself unworthy of your loyalty. Even if he dropped his girlfriend today and asked you to marry him tomorrow, why would you willingly align with a man who doesn't recognize (or if he recognizes it, doesn't think it's wrong to embrace) unfaithfulness?

I think it's best to cut your losses, make it clear to him that you are no longer available for intimacy (emotional or otherwise) and ask God to redeem the last three years.

With prayers that God will strengthen you to hear and obey His voice,
Candice Watters

Note: A lot of women have written with similar stories. It's important to note, however, that these letters differ in a striking way from Pulling a Ruth: when I was friends with Steve and hoping we'd become something more, he wasn't dating another woman. Yes, he did go out on a date or two with my friend early on, but during the length of our friendship, both of us were truly single, not having implied a commitment to anyone else.

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BUT OUR PARENTS MADE US DO IT

Dear Boundless:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years. We're both 20 and juniors in college. We met our first week of college and began dating a week later. I knew that I loved him a week after that. Four months later, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry.

Early on, we put up a lot of boundaries in our physical relationship. Looking back, I am so thankful that we did. We have saved ourselves from a lot of hurt and guilt this way.

Going into college, I thought that getting married in college was the worst idea ever. Now, I'm not so sure. Our friends and mentors at church have encouraged us toward marriage, as well as our friends at school and from home. We have both individually asked our parents about how they would feel about us getting married while still in college, and none of them support the idea. They all want us to wait until we graduate.

And here is the problem, and where I'm seeking guidance. How do we honor our parents and not burn in lust? We are very physically attracted to each other, and keeping up our boundaries is a lot harder than I ever imagined. I feel like either we're fighting because we're frustrated with each other and our situation, or we're tiptoeing up to the line of where we agreed we physically wouldn't go.

It's getting hard to be with him, either because we start arguing, or we have such a great time I want to break down and cry because we have two more years of this to go before we can get married.

Are we mature enough to be married? Is that even possible? Is getting married in college a bad thing to do? How do we honor our parents, while not burning in lust?

I really am confused and earnestly seeking to do the right thing.

Reply

It's not always easy to answer these questions because email can only reveal so much about a person and her situation — there's typically a lot that doesn't get communicated. Still I'll do my best to suggest some principles that may help you navigate your situation.

To answer your first question, there's nothing intrinsically bad about marrying while in college. For you it may be an unwise thing, or a premature thing but nothing about going to class and studying every day disqualifies people from marrying. Whether and when to marry has more to do with your character, maturity and ability to support yourselves apart from your parents' income than the fact that you have class at 8 a.m. every morning.

It may be unwise for some couples, but for others, it's a good decision.

You say none of your parents supported the idea of you marrying before graduation. Why not? Have you given them evidence that you will be able to make a home together, including holding down jobs that will provide for your needs while still making progress toward your degrees? If you haven't, that would be a good place to start. Maybe they're reluctant to give their blessing because they realize the improbability that you'd be able to cover your expenses and finish school (including tuition) without their financial support. Remember, once you marry, your husband would have the duty to leave father and mother and cleave to you. Likewise you would be under his provision and no longer under your father's. These are no small concerns.

If their reluctance is not financial but relational — they're concerned you're not mature enough to marry — what might you do to demonstrate otherwise? Spending more time together with his family and yours might allay their fears. And it would have the added benefit of cooling off those passions you're struggling with.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm not certain about a lot of your situation and can only suggest principles for guiding you and your boyfriend. However, of one thing I am certain. You must resist the temptation to fall into sexual sin and then blame it on your and his parents for not letting you marry. If you are burning, you must stop the behavior that inflames those passions. If you decide to honor your parents by waiting till after graduation to marry, it is possible — and required of you — to remain sexually pure. It won't be easy, but there are ways to help you make it.

First, you must be vigilant about how, when and where you spend time together. If you are in the company of others, you're not likely to end up doing things that are reserved for married couples. So spend time together with friends, with family and in public places. Also, be careful about being together late at night. The more tired you are, the less reliable your defenses will be. That includes napping together, midday, as well. Again, if you spend time together in the company of others, especially trusted friends and mentors, you'll be making great strides toward the altar in a way that is God-honoring.

One thing's certain: crossing any boundary into sexual activity will only confirm your parents' hunch that you're not ready to marry. The more restraint you demonstrate, the more you prove your ability to make adult decisions and take on adult responsibility.

It's a great gift to marry with the blessing of both sets of parents and I commend you for caring about what they think. They often have insights into our romantic relationships that we aren't able to see for all our emotions. When you stop creating opportunities for sexual temptation, you'll be able to think more clearly and may be able to see some of the reasons they think it best to wait. But consider also that as they observe you exercising restraint, they may recognize your growing maturity and be more open to your marrying soon. If they don’t however, and you do have to wait till graduation to marry, cooling the passions will make the waiting less agonizing.

May the One who made you strengthen you for the waiting and the growing.

Every Blessing,
Candice Watters

This is the first in a regular series of "Boundless Answers" for gals. If you have a question you'd like Candice to consider for this column, please send it to editor@boundless.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Boundless Answers" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.